i can make you feel

i am missing my old self. It only looks like i am way better off now...LOOKS. But i really feel that i was much happier, shinier and better at everything 10 years ago even though many people feel like i was a wreck back then. It's not true. 

Can you imagine worlds
So many miles away from here?
How many different words
And how many ways to feel the same.

- Can you imagine, Dope Stars Inc

i was a psycho, off-the-hook and unpredictable...but that was the closest to being me i think i'll ever get. i feel cheap, watered down version of what i was before, following set patterns because i don't know any better. Have you ever felt like you are stranger you don't like? Well, that's how it is for me now. i think i lost myself when i switched from Regular cigarettes to Ultra-Milds or it could also be then when i replaced having coke for breakfast-dinner-lunch with lime water or it could be when i stopped loving M. It could be anything, the only thing that matters is that what was before is not here. i have been invaded and possessed by a woman who is nothing like me. And i hate her. 

My mountain home is just like me. This time will probably the last time I'll set foot there. It's dirty, polluted and a cheap version of itself. My heart breaks...i just want to remember it the way it was. This blog is probably the only link left to my gloriously painful past. 

She says she doesn't like it here

Left everything back home

She was lost and bitter

Broken and alone

- I can make you feel, Home Video 

The only thing that hasn't changed is my loneliness. Does it happen to anyone else? The feeling like you are so alone even when you are surrounded by people. I, for one, love my loneliness. It's the love of my life, my boyfriend, my Jesus. i actively try to seek to isolate myself. Crowds of enemies or well-wishers annoy me. 

Sayonara