i think my black cloud has returned. The heaviness, the emptiness...and oh the guilt... so much of guilt. Because there's no reason, no explanation to why i feel the way i do.

The problem of melancholia is not just the inexplicable suffering. For me, the worst is the fear of something good happening. I'm so scared of any ray of happiness sneaking in that i let all of my chances, the shots at acing in life, just pass me by. Like a singer says 'oh sadness! I'm your girl.' i hate my job and i want to leave...i have two job interviews lined up for tomorrow too. But will i make it to them it's a big question mark. Would anyone believe that i just can't make myself do things anymore?

i am constantly thinking of ways to die... at my own hands, according to my own plan. i am not sure if i'll ever go through with it but just the thought of having an exit ready is like a warm fleece blanket and cup of hot coffee on a cold winter morning. It cocoons, shields and strengthens me... the thought that i can bring all this to an end on my own terms.
With everything going out of control, i just want to have something that's all mine... my life.

Maybe i'll get better, maybe i won't or maybe i'll see y'all on the other side. But for now... the black cloud is here to stay.