Tonight, we are young

i love sports. i love animals. i love kids. i want to save the world. So, how do i combine all those things? i don't know.
- Joan Jett

M is back and my world is brighter than sunshine, on the inside. Though, on the outside it may seem different. 
i am so happy that i even offered to do a story on a party hosted by people who seem to believe that the Mayan prophesy about 21 December, 2012 is not about the world coming to end BUT about transition to a better world.
i may end up going for one of their 'sweet spot parties.' You can RSVP too here.

Anyhoo, i had an amazing weekend cuz M came over and then it was just perfect...in the sense 'perfect' for an OCD patient like me. He just kept sleeping through the weekend, talk, eat and then go back to sleep again. All this gave me enough time to do my 'weekend chores' like shopping for more frozen food and washing. The added bonus was his cute sleepy look, "Hah!!! You went out without me..WHEN?" when i told him that i just returned from the super market.
 i also reunited with my high-school bestie, who now is the lead vocalist of a hot-shot band and has cut some albums too. She took me to my first mosh-pit in a tiny drinking place, albeit a tiny one compared to the REAL METAL HEAD mosh pits. But nevertheless, i was whining about sweaty, long haired, black band tee wearing guys stomping on my heels and the musty air in the room. Then we tipsily drove back halfway across the city, playing and screaming  singing Wiz Khalifa's Black and Yellow on loop. It was fun!

What is life without a walk of shame, now & then.

Cut to Day-2 and i was on my way to a home cooked dinner with another friend who just got married. i ended up staying over at her place and over eating too. The next day, i had to do the legendary walk of shame early morning (we are talking as early as 5am) and wearing my bright yellow maxi skirt didn't seem to be that great an idea. But the worse was travelling in the metro with all eyes on me.
But i just stare right back, it is a good mood phase of mine, i guess. One of my friend once told me that my 'good mood-swings' make her feel scared and then she made the most epic comment ever (that i will surely use in my future fashion film or novel) — "It seems like you are high on your own blood."

My new 2 simian line

Sayonara

*__*

Where did Jesus go?

All the quotes in this post are from Memoirs Of A Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin.

"What were you like," i asked her, "Were you happy? or were you smiling because they told you to?"

Nothing seems to be like before...and i cannot recall who i was before everything crashed down. Was i happy? or, am i happy now?
i don't know what to do, feel or think anymore. 
It is something...i cannot find an answer to and i get the feeling that if i could pinpoint the cause behind this madness inside my head, i might be able to make sense of everything. But i can't remember...what was it? Was there anything at all, in the first place?

It's like when you take a trip with some one you don't know very well. Sometimes, you can get close very quickly, but then after the trip is over, you realize all that was a false sort of closeness. An intimacy based on the trip more than the travellers. 

i meet people everyday, but no one makes an impact. Its like i am vapour and they pass right through me. Some of them genuinely try (or maybe they just seem to) to be my friend...but i don't think i need anyone anymore. i just want to be alone...i don't want to hear about how i am capable of so much more. What's the point of telling me that when i don't even believe it myself?
Last night, i pulled out all the emotional plugs and let it all out, i know it seems crazy and i am NOT suicidal but i went to the roof and walked on the edge with the clammy wind hitting my face, mascara stains on my face. God! what a rush. Every time i felt i was going to slip and fall, my heart leapt. You know, like i was suddenly alive. 

In my opinion wounds are like water set to boil — They heal best when left unwatched.

Mum called me up from another city, and when i heard her voice...i broke down. i told her how everything was going wrong, i told her about the 'friends' who i wished i'd never met, i told her that i feel so unwanted and i told her i wished i could just turn back time,  become that weird kid again, who roamed with her black dog in the chilly mountain rain. She told me to have faith in GOD. Its not that easy...i have lost faith in humanity, and God is...i don't know.

Dear God, i don't know if you read my blog or if  you have internet in heaven. But everyone says, you watch over me every second and i used to feel your presence and i used to talk to you too...but i can't feel you anymore. 
Are you still there with me? Do you still care about me, God? Are you mad at me too?
Please tell me what to do...i think i am running out of the will to live anymore. But i will hold on till you come back.
Now when i talk to you...i feel silly cuz i think you have more important things to worry about but sometimes i get very messed up and no one can comfort me. 
So, if you have time please come watch over me, i think i really need you.
Love you, God. i hope you love me too. Amen.


Sayonara