Don't wake me up

Sometimes life is completely the opposite of what you expect or want it to be. The universe has a funny way of throwing you off-guard, when least expected. Go ahead make plans, paint the prettiest, rosiest future and chances are it will most likely be grey. 

i had made plans too, but then life happened. M went away as swiftly as he had come. And now, alone inside my head, i wonder if everyone is wearing disguises or masks to hide their true intentions or true feelings, pretending to forgive and forget but in reality they are just waiting for you to stumble so they can push you over the edge.
i always thought that M and i would stay together, in sickness or in health. i don't remember if he ever said it or maybe i imagined it. It is was that sort of thing that you assume will eventually happen. But sometimes, it doesn't.  

Maybe us being together is like the dead violet plant on my window sill. i keep it there cuz it belonged to my great grandmother and even if it will never bloom, it reminds me of home and that comforts me. 

i watch this video on a loop...for hours. It sends chills down my spine. It is from the SATC movie, when Big gets cold feet and leaves Carrie just before their wedding... and he says something that M used to say— i don't know. i cry every time i watch this. 


Bliss 
Dear smoky room 
Stardust in the eyes
Anything will rise
- Bliss, Vanessa Paradis

i have let go let M go. It was difficult but i did it...and i want to will stick with it. i finally realised that looking into his eyes and not finding my self there...was not okay. When i set him free...i died a little inside...but maybe, he will live now. 
i have no hopes anymore...i have truly set him free...i am not waiting for everything to become fine, cuz it never would have. There are two people in a relationship...and they go through everything that is bound to tear them apart but they come out through it all...stronger.            

Dearly beloved, if this love exists only in my dreams.
Don't wake me up...

Look into my eyes and you will see me,
Look into my heart and you will find you..
M used to say this to me...i wonder if they actually meant anything or are they just hollow words picked up from a Google search?
Maybe people just fall in and out of love, then why call it 'love' when it is so fickle. 'Love' should be something stronger, never ending kinda feeling— and not 'You destroyed my ego, so i will walk all over you and leave you helpless' kinda vengeance.

Then again...what do i know? i am just a stupid girl.

Sayonara

*___*