Life has the coldest colour?

Now that the M chapter is finally closed and the book sealed, hidden in the dusty archives of my mind, i shall not waste any more airtime on my blog talking about him. Unless of course, the heart wants what it wants.
So i murder love in the night
Watching them fall one by one, they fight
Do you think you'll love me too?
- Lana Del Rey, Serial Killer

i am surprised at my cold-bloodedness, the way i sliced his attempted comeback with the precision of a psychotic serial killer. Oh and with a song on my lips. When the drama has gone on for 7 years, why should i skimp on the closing act?
Literally. Whatever hate mails he texted, i replied with a song. So i am not one to kiss n tell but let's say Katy Perry's- Ur so gay, Lily Allen's- Fuck you and the likes are pretty fitting replies.

Okay, back to the real world. i have off from work till the New Years. So, i have been using the time to catch up on some me time. i watched this amazing movie, Blue is the warmest colour, a lesbian romance. It was so beautiful, i was hoping for a happy ending, like always. But then, i realised that life gives no happy endings, so why should a realistic movie be any different? Nevertheless, it was beautiful. And i also found a different version of one of my favourite songs. Check it out

the nightmares and the hate

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down
- Smile Empty Soul, 'With this knife'

Today i want to talk to no one about how you can be surrounded by thousands of people and yet have no one to talk to. Its not like my friends and family don't love me, it is how you can miraculously find words to converse with a complete stranger and yet...can't utter a single sentence to the person sharing your bed.
i am awfully jealous of people who know where they want to go and what they want to do rather than being pushed, pulled, going with the flow. Hell, i can't even tell anyone which ice cream flavour i like or if i like ice cream at all? i can go for years believing i hate ice cream and decide one winter that i was wrong along.

i knew i loved you, before i met you
i think i dreamed you into life
- Savage Garden
Y is trying to make me feel better by sending me cheesy songs from the nineties. i feel bad for him, he doesn't have to bear with my volatile behaviour, my sudden need to push him away and the violent temper. What makes it worse is the feeling that i get in the pit of my stomach while i am misbehaving- he doesn't have to bear all this, then why? And for how long....

i don't ever want to find out, though. i feel indebted and the what if question haunts me. After M, i felt like a hole had been punched through me. i was so lifeless and empty, it makes me so scared to even think about those days. i don't wish that even for my worst enemies.

It makes me think that it's so unfair that i am left behind, still recovering from that suckerpunch while everyone else has already got up, dusted themselves and got on with life.
i don't think i am fixed completely. And maybe i will never be. So, should i continue ruining somebody else's life or release them...
But what do i know...i am just the girl with mixed feelings about ice creams and everything else.

Sayonara
-.- 

For better or bitter?

i am back there again.
The same old dark place. i know everything is so transitory but when you repeat the same mistake, it is a sign to take stock of your life and what exactly do you want from it.

The less i knew, the less i needed and the more i was content.

M texted me. The usual shit about how he doesn't 'believe me' and the many mean things he always says coated with self-pity and irony. His usual style, as i have come to realise. If i was like before, one thing would have lead to another and i would have rented out my heart to him for another short lease, wherein he would trash the abode and walk away without paying the rent. Well, i am sorry for expressing my emotions in real estate terminology courtesy my nomadic lifestyle, but wth, you get the drift.
Anyhoo, this time was different and i guess, M wasn't ready for my verbal volley so he ended up resorting to the insult popular with many insecure schoolboys in their 20s, 40s, 50s and more. 'FAT' is the name of this game.

Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don't work out. 
- unknown

Okay. So i am FAT now. Maybe it is cuz i am not on an emotional roller coaster anymore. Or maybe cuz i finally notice when my stomach rumbles rather than pining away for a phone call that may never come. OR maybe cuz i met a man who really loves me (for now).
And though it is not always smooth sailing, i trust him. And of course, the on-demand-back massages, tummy rubs and his cute surprises are a bonus :P
So my fatness is contentment. Happiness. Peace. 
And i will lose it someday. But he may never lose his bitterness.

Sayonara
*_*

Click-clack away

Its funny how many people come and go in your life. And yet, they all leave something behind.
i still remember that guy who pulled me in when i was hanging to the door for my dear life on a fast moving, over crowded DTC bus. That was almost 4 years ago. i didn't know him..nor do i know him now. But i remember his act of kindness to this day and i still call him my messiah. Then, there are people with whom you share bittersweet/awkward memories that you don't know quite how to feel about.
Like Y does a really cute thing for me sometimes. Just cuz i like to unwind after work with my cigarettes and music, he calls me up, plays music (my music...read: trashy hip hop or emo screamo) and we just sit in silence...its nice. As in, was...since my monthly monster managed to make things awkward. 
Ughhh! i asked him to play Tonight by FM Static, which is my emo song for my dead dog, Dingo. Ughh^infinity, halfway through the song i started tearing up and by the time it finished, i was bawling like a bald, toothless baby. Y really didn't know what just hit him and though he was all gentlemanly about it, i still sincerely wish for the earth to split wide open and swallow me  -.-

Mero aankhama hardin badal chairahyo 
Binti cha kasaile aandhi layideu
- Deep Shrestha, 'Mero aankhama'

M used to sing this song for me. i still listen to it sometimes... but i don't know him now. i just know and remember the thing that he left behind with me. Not clothes or souvenirs, just the memory of something i felt so long ago.
But not all leaving behind is of the good kinds, you know. Sometimes i think back of one of the many BBFs (Backstabbing Best Friends) in my life, the horrors of being violated and also the people who pushed me into my suicidal phase.
i wonder why they did what they did and how do they feel now. Do they even think about me or if i was just another inviting Welcome-Walk-All over-me doormat for them?

Bring your love baby, i could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby, i could bring my pain
- The Weeknd, 'Wicked Games'

Do we really have control over what we leave behind? Or does it depend on the disposition of the other person? i can choose to keep bad memories of the piercing pain in my heart, the tears and the nights i lay awake, alone and thinking about suicide OR i can remember the laughs i shared, the good vibes and the happy memories. 
Like, i am sure my first few flat mates and the first few boyfriends have nothing good to remember me by, or if they even remember me at all :/
Note to self: Leave behind goodness.

A never-worn dress that i cannot show love to anymore. So, it's FOR SALE.
Lemme know, if any takers *__*

Sayonara
*_*

Wordy sucker punch

Forget this life, come with me 
Don't look back, you're safe now
- Evanescence, 'Anywhere'

It's 4am again and insomnia has set in again. If my absence from bloggersphere was missed, gomenasai to my loyal 22 followers. i have been playing...a game called life. 
Ok whatever. But true it is, the perk this week of working with sharks was that we got a free tarot card reading. The card woman said i am 'uncommunicative' hmmf

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
- Evanescence, Anywhere

i had no reason to believe her until yesterday night when i went out with Y. Something silly happened and i did not speak. Its not like i did not have anything to say...there was a flood of emotions and i could not organise my thoughts. Its suffocating, i felt so cornered...and the questions kept coming, felt like words, sentences were slapping and punching me in the face. Reminded me of a time that seems a million light years away. But that was real, atleast these are just words.
Anyhoo, on introspection, the card lady was right about a lot of other things too. idk if it is a spiritual pact to say mean things to shock people into cleaning up their act or something, but the card lady gave me the impression that everything i say or do is doomed :/ And, when today i spilled tea on the power socket and narrowly escaped shot circuiting the workplace, i am forced to think it may be true. 

i recently set fire to couple of other things too. But, this was a good fire. All the diaries with naive stuff about M, the day i lost my mind and the dried flowers, notes and 4 year old packet of weed that M gave me (i was saving it for a special occasion, guess there were none) had a happy funeral. It feels nice to let go, all the funeral drama makes it so real. 
Or maybe it was a bad idea...especially torching the packet of pot. Maybe i should add 'possible arsonist' to my list of mental disorders-Akemi-is likely to-suffer from (or already does). 

You don't remember me
But, i remember you 
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream
And dream, i do
-Evanescence, Taking over me

Its almost 5am and i have to wake up in 3 hours, put on a mask and go to workplace. i have a sinking feeling i will be late, not that the sharks will notice when the tiny guppy fish floats in, but it is a bad thing if they are in a mood to feed on someone's happiness and self-esteem.

Akemi hates it...but there is no way out. Like sensei had said long ago- dying without making a mark is a tragedy, not a loss. Come to think of it, i haven't seen sensei in the longest time. Oh darn, i really have to sleep now or lie in bed till it is unbearable. 

Sayonara
-.-