Strange

That's the thing about breakdowns...you know...the prelude before the snap is sickening. You watch yourself screw up everything that once mattered to you and you cannot control it. 

i think i am going through that phase. Everyday i have to convince myself that i need to make it through the day because i'm not a quitter, i'm strong i can do it. But i am slowly eating myself up from the inside. i am my own parasite. 

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will instead
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

i am functioning but i am also fucking up. And i am terrified that i will never get out of this and even if i do, i would have hurt too many and burnt all the bridges that lead to the perfect me a month ago. i feel suffocated and the feeling of freefalling at the same time. 

It's really really annoying that even though i want to do a social media detox, I am REQUIRED to stay wired all the time. i am going crazy and i can't show it. The worst is that you can never pin-point what is the cause, you just feel what you do. 

But i really wanna get better...i really can't bear the madness inside my head. So, i've decided to come here and scream..about a few things that may not be related to my mindfuck but are irking me nevertheless. i mean, these are all the things i think about. Everyday. Every waking minute. Every sleeping second. 

1. i am tired of being stared at all the time. Everywhere i go, someone or the other clicks photographs and snapchats about me WITHOUT permission. i really feel guilty for having the balls to actually do something with my hair other than get streaks :/

2. i hate my new job. i feel overworked and underpaid...it's like this- if you're good at something EVERYONE expects you to do EVERYTHING. i feel like they are taking undue advantage of my OCDs just cuz i cant do work half-heartedly.

3. i am in love  feeling some strange feelings about this one guy, with whom i really cannot must-not have any dealings for the sake of my sanity. For starters, he's in love with another...though that's not a woman and it's more of a habit and he's related to me in a versy peculiar way. Not incestuous but social circle-wise.

4. i think i am being stalked and the creep knows where i live. i have no idea what to do.

5. i am sort of 'chilling' with this one guy who's really nice and all but i feel stressed and not-happy with him but when he goes away, i feel sad. i am pretty sure it's not love.  

I don't even know how it all started...all i know it started with a random dream years and years ago. The kind of dream where you're dreaming of nothing, it's jet black in your mind and suddenly a scene slides into the frame. What really happened in the dream...is something i'll never tell. But i saw some designs...i think they were tattoos. And, years and years later, i saw those on HIS arms. Of course, at first they seemed familiar but much much later that dream came back to me in it's full form. Only this time, the person had a face and the arms had designs I had seen in real life. 

Did i dream him into life?

He is horrible. Nothing that i would ever ever would want in my life. But he does strange things to my mind. i wanna protect myself so i am more horrible to him and we end up hating each other. i have no idea, no surety of what i want from him...except that he makes me feel strange things.  

Sayonara

People are onions

You will never believe what brought me back here....
Sure an urge to purge through writing. But something else... a thought- People have so many contrasting depths within them. And to tell you precisely what led me to this thought i will have to let you in on one contrasting layer of mine.

From your
Narrator's chair
A calming scent
Of lavender fills
The air.
- The Fool, Moderat

When people look at me they are intimidated sometimes or just think that i am a materialistic, snotty bitch who thinks too much of herself. Yes, that may be true...but people who thought this initially and are now my friends also cannot get over the fact how pleb i am.
The Layer. People keep telling me that i am good at this and that and i should open this parlour, that shop. But nobody really knows what i am really good at... and enjoy doing too.
i love cleaning bathrooms
DAFUQ! right? i don't quite know how i came across this layer of mine. Maybe it's just a combination of wanting my surroundings to be clean, not trusting others to do a good job or just the smell of my favourite detergent. i don't know what is it...
And no, i clean other's too. i mean there have been times when i've moved into new flat where the previous tennant left the bathroom tiles muddied, the pot yellowed and the sink flooded. i've just waited till i'm alone, armed myself with the harshest detergents, cleaners and brushes to get scrubbing. then when my new flatmate comes in and gets shocked at the pleasant smelling, spotless loo, that gives me a feeling i can't express. It feels nice.

What i actually mean is that not just beauty everything is skin-deep. People may be horrible to you but a saint to someone else. It's difficult to slot everyone in a black or white shade. i can be a fashion reporter and love everything beautiful but i like to scrub away mud and shit from the loos. Does that make me a psycho? i hope not!

Sayonara! 

Ivy still clings to the wall, into life some rain must fall

Here i am again...all because i had a thought late last night. Who the hell made these guidelines about what being love should be like? It's really messed up. i mean NONE of the people i know have had the 'happily ever after'....it's always with some ifs and buts. The 'happily-ever-after' IF at all it happens is never unconditional. And why do we not see the beauty of all kinds of messed up love around?

M and i are back together in a very messed up way. We aren't dating, we aren't even making out or having sex. We just lie together in bed and feel complete. Then, in the morning we put on our masks and go our way as strangers.
We are just together in a very forbidden way, none of his people know about me and none of mine even know that we are in touch. We are in love and probably will be forever. i am hanging out with other boys and he is banging other girls but at the end of the day, we hang our coats in each other's heart-shaped home.

When we are together it all feels complete, but we cannot imagine giving this relationship a name, at least i can't. i won't even try. You see, when you try to put your love in a labelled box, you close yourself off to many unexplained emotions, feelings and experiences. He's not a friend cuz he's hurt me too much to be called one. Yet, he's more than a friend because our souls open up to eachother like no other. He's not a lover because i don't plan on a future with him and yet, he's more than lover because we do love each other more than anybody can imagine.
Yet, there's a painful snag in this system. When you are making your own rules, there is no acceptable way to solve your problems.    

Sayonara
*__*