she's melting houses of gold

I write best when I am either falling in love or falling apart.

- Rudy Francisco

That is broadly true...but right now, i'm languishing somewhere in between those two situations.

i played the last innings of my body piercer phase a few weeks ago. Now, it's back to the drawing board to map out the life ahead.

i'm not really worried about AI taking over the writing industry...because it's not really good writing. It's mediocre...anyone getting impressed by words spewed by a chat bot never really had good grammar writing skills to begin with. It's all so synthetic and incapable of inciting any feelings. I believe that the main problem is the shrinking attention spans of the readers. 

Anyhoo, whatever has to happen will happen. i've been on a bender since August, through most of September, and i'll probably keep it going until Halloween in October.

Getting old is not really conducive to such plans. My liver has been revolting but drinking (tea or a pint) is a non-negotiable in most social situations. 

i have three costumes planned for my favourite time of the year...kinda excited for my first slutty Halloween. In the past the focus was always on getting the details and the character right. 

This time i'll try to get my bits out...my friend told me that i dress "conservative". i think she's right...i love the prude, slightly depressive and beautifully morbid Victorian aesthetic. 

i've even started collecting Victorian mourning  and memento mori jewellery. It's incredibly romantic...

Sayonara

The Cringe of Main Character Energy

Currently in the middle of the monthly haemorrhaging ritual that nature mandated women partake in. Coming over here in the depth of my monthly monster is not a good idea but here i am... cramps, bloat and all.

As i see it, anything that gets me to string two sentences together is a good idea. 

The irony of celebrating my birth anniversary while writhing in pain is not lost on me. Well... At least i was having fun until the monthly monster arrived.

Mandem got me a bunch of birthday presents but my favourite was the 20th anniversary vinyl of Fallen by Evanescence. i had completely forgotten how obsessed i used to be with Amy Lee. i have been playing it on loop.

It felt so nice to listen to their music after aeons. i must admit the lyrics did give me a slight cringe with the whole 'edge lord' vibe. 

It is what it is...

i am not exactly embarrassed by my emo days. To be fair, all the rest of my "emo" peers have gone ahead and built fairly normcore lives for themselves with stable jobs, kids and the works. i haven't and i don't really intend to. You see, it was not exactly a phase. 

i still do enjoy melancholia and i guess, once an edgelord, always an edgelord.

The only difference is that i am not exactly public with it...running to Myspace (or even Orkut) to update my status.

In my defense, things really did feel pretty intense back then...

Maybe it was the teen angst or maybe hormones or maybe life was indeed intensely shitty.

On the other hand, life's shitty-ness factor rarely fluctuates regardless of your age.

But that phase has made me slightly more tolerant when i see videos of people on my FYP singing/staring/gyrating while looking moodily into the camera—with a skin-whitening filter, of course. 

The cringe... Oh the cringe 

Everyone is a main character in their head. In my younger days (a phrase mostly used by adults when they think they are ready for adulting) it involved listening to an Avenged Sevenfold, BMTH, SOAD and BVB playlist, wearing nervous system destroying skinny jeans, vision obstructing bangs and scribbled on Vans/Chuck Taylor.

Now, the aesthetics are different but maybe, just maybe the underlying need for attention is the same. 

Either way i am not really curious to see if their adult lives turn out to be a different shade of shitty than us former-emos (are we really?). As i said before, once an edgelord, always an edgelord. 

Sayonara