Gathering gloom

Now everybody says it was best for you,
but deep inside your heart cannot decide if it's true

Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.

- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

For the past two weeks i have been poorer, more jobless and feeling shittier than a church rat. 

Caffeine, nicotine, the latest copy of Vogue and SATC reruns on the telly are a good companion when you have less than 95 cents to last you a week. And for the record, adoring my lace shirts that burnt a hole in (literally charred) my finances, surprisingly, soothes away the stomach rumblings.  

Anyway, i am in the NYC of India. And somehow, despite my happiness of finally having 'arrived', i have been sitting holed in my cosy hotel room or staring at
the sky from my Raounzelesque balcony at 3am while the world around me finds new loves, new sadness and new shoes. 

Let's face it. i am afraid. i am very very afraid to go out and then find a lorry of memories hitting me right in the face. Or worse what if my new memories aren't as good as the ones with M?

Ghosts of happy memories, sad breakups and many, many unfinished businesses are all waiting to bang right into me. Delhi is haunted for me. Yet, it is exactly this reason why i choose to be here and sometimes wait for that bittersweet nostalgia to sneak up to me, surprise me, reduce me to tears.

Trying to pick up the pace

Trying to make it so that i never see your face again

Trying to throw this away 

Want to make sure you never waste my time again

- Norah Jones 'Happy Pills'

The wall pattern in my hotel

Time flies by really fast and now it’s time for me to leave for the sleepy town, which i had dreaded for almost 10 months and will continue for some more time till i am back in the Capital again...to dodge the lorries of memories waiting to run me over.

Maybe everything happens for the best...

"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
— Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar) 

Maybe i have too much time to think about myself…the world outside is difficult enough.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 

Stuck in reverse...
- Coldplay 'Fix you'

The balcony door to my Rapunzel-like tower

Today is my last day in the Capital and i cannot wait to go back to my apartment in the sleepy city, though i am pretty sure once i am there i would want to be somewhere else.
Anyway, i was asked to check out of my company hotel abruptly without any prior warning. And it did not help that they lodged me in another one, the two-hour-long wait was very introspective. i felt like such a minion, like a tiny lost guppy fish in a sea of fancy electric eels and deadly sharks. Maybe its not that big a deal, but yea...the feeling is something i can do without.

Update- i was told i am not good enough for the job in the Capital by the Big shark, turns out the other big sharks are not too keen on me either. i guess, i am naive...

Feeling worse because of those words which are said to cheer you up for obviously being 'not-good-enough.' Well, the gloom keeps piling on.
Maybe i am just a tightly screwed bottle of gloom. Wish you would be nicer to me, Life.

Little bit of feel good

Mommy and i went thrift shopping, it was fun and i snagged awesome vintage deals.

But i still feel...

i feel fat, ugly and a loser.




Sayonara