Who will i be when i am with you again?

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will
If you don't eat yourself
You will explode instead...
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

Is there a time when you magically grow up?
Like when you don't feel the need to cry anymore...words, insults and betrayals just bounce off you and you just stand expressionless.
If there is, where is my titanium age?


Does it happen, like, you have controlled the throbbing pain in your chest or you wake up one day when living doesn't seem so bad... but then, you look up. Raindrops on the window or a dog licking your hand or a friendly smile, and you crumble. The verge of bursting into tears at the most inopportune moment, place and time does not cease. The worst part? The reason is always the same. There does not seem to be a way out of this misery.


i am sick of being sick and i am sick of this vicious circle of abuse, secrecy and... hugs. If this planet is God's sepulchre, i don't see how this misery is his will.
How can this be your will, the man in the clouds? 


Like a hurricane, you struck my life, destroyed my relationships, my self esteem, my confidence and i constantly felt anxious, depressed and sometimes abnormally insane, a psycho. 
This city is beautiful...


The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.
- Poppy Z Brite


Yet, the noise is so overwhelming that i seem to have forgotten what silence, other than mine, meant. i wait for the legendary 4am, for some torture and reflection, but cats fighting or an accident nearby or a couple falling out of love, the noise never ceases. 
So, i plug in my ear phones, and make my own Tomorrowland, where M exists in my life, where there is no endless wait for a phone call that might end my life, no nightmares and no memories of losing something... there is just nothing. And i think i am happy, then. 


Andy Warhol: I wonder if people are going to remember us? 
Edie Sedgwick: What, when we're dead? 
Andy Warhol: Yeah. 
Edie Sedgwick: Well I think people will talk about how you changed the world. 
Andy Warhol: I wonder what they'll say about you... in your obituary. I like that word. 
Edie Sedgwick: Nothing nice, I don't think. 
Andy Warhol: No no, come on. They'd say, "Edith Minturn Sedgwick: beautiful artist and actress... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and all around loon. 
Andy Warhol: ...Remembered for setting the world on fire... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... 
Andy Warhol: ...Made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. 
- Excerpt from Factory Girl (2006)


i love this song, its the theme song for my Tomorrowland. 

Sayonara 
*__*