The past and the chase

He holds me in his big arms 
Drunk and i am seeing stars 
This is all i think of
- Lana Del Ray, Video games

i have been AWOL from all the things i knew...and getting closer to the roots. i don't know if it is helping...but i am alright. Here at home, sitting on the ancient Compaq 7540, typing on the keyboard that makes every click sound like an atom bomb going off in the dark, its easier to slip into a peaceful coma, when life and its beauty make sense. 
The air has a wintry nip and i love it. Returning home after almost two years, the dogs seem fine and the grandparents too, though everyone seems to be dusted with white powder on their hair and a stray wrinkles here or there. Seems i fell into an age defying blackhole and when i emerged, everyone else seems to have aged. Or maybe even i have, i just don't see it yet.

Doomed from the start, we met with a goodbye kiss
- Lana Del Rey, Goodbye Kiss

i adore this song by Lana, it sings true of M and me. i know i was supposed to get over him, and i think i have, but the old photographs on this computer are kinda making it hard. i think its more difficult realising what a different person  i was before...and worse, do i want to become that person again? Getting M back is no guarantee that things would go back to being the same. There are already too many irreversible happenings that i just cannot deal with- Mopsy is dead, my favourite plum tree is dead and the mountains seem to be dying too. So where or what do i go back to?
And, even M cannot, will not and shall not help me cope with these seemingly little things that hurt me a great deal. Things seem hopeless for a miracle, which is not possible cuz i have lost my faith.  


Turning slowly, looking back,
See no words can save this...
You're broken and i'm pissed
Run along like i'm supposed to, 
Be the man i ought to

Everyone seems to be setting a mold for me, which i must pour myself into...as for now, i shall comply.

Sayonara

Respect to gray hair

From 9 am to 11.45pm (Total= 16hours). From 6th October to 10th October (Total= 4 days). 

16x4= 64 hours.

No, its not some lame maths lesson. i am just trying to express the MAGNANIMITY of the situation when i am working as a fashion reporter for a kinda bigass newspaper. Wills Lifestyle Fashion Week S/S 2013 is where i live nowadays, going back home just to sleep. Oh...and the calculation above is the estimate of the hours i will be wearing heels.

i know it seems like i am exaggerating, but trust me, i am so not.

Going without my stilletos is not an option either. i tried that and suddenly felt like a pygmy, had to stand on my toes to talk to people. 

Anyhoo, fashion week is not what i imagined it to be. Yea sure, there is so much eccentricity and creativity in the air that i am sure i will sprout a rainbow coloured tail or beard by the end of the week. Oh and i get to sit in the front row because i reprezzent the hot-shot newspaper. 

But then, there are also"friends" who talk to you only to eat the dainty crust-less sandwiches or the yummy fish fingers on your plate or "healthy" (very) women who cannot fit into their seats and spill on others sitting next to them. And i thought fashion week makes the best of them pull up their socks.

There are four basic human need: food, sleep, sex and revenge.

- Banksy  

Btw, its my birthday today. It sucks.
And i don't have a cake. And wishes i can count on my fingers.
Feck the plans to celebrate till i am 80 years old, hell, i have lost the drive at 23.

Anyhoo, happy birthday to me. When i get back home, i shall celebrate with hot chocolate with my only guest, Tabby, my brown teddy bear.

Sayonara

-.-

Where is my October?

Everyone says the dull ache in my heart will go away if i go out and meet more people but this tendency of mine to disappear behind my silence and fake a toothy grin that makes my eyes crinkle or give a frosty-the-snow-bitch vibe, never goes away. 

Where do i start
the past, and the chase
You hunted me down
Like a wolf, a predator
i felt like a deer in love lights
- She Wolf, Calvin Harris feat Kelis

i spent the weekend reading my old diaries...though my current one, Lu Ling, is probably my most neglected diary ever. i feel bad for Lu Ling...i mean i have never been so tired ever in my life and yet, i want to write to her all the time, but i think she will see me as i see myself...a loser stuck in the past. Then again, Lu Ling is just a name for sheets of paper bound with glue. But then, maybe not. She is more human to me. 
Anyway, reading my old diaries was a bad idea, and i don't really recommend that to anyone. i swung between so many emotions. From arriving to office with puffy lip (after biting it so i won't cry in the metro, which again is not a great place to read your old diary no matter how curious you are) to staring at people hoping to run into a long-forgotten friend, there is only one thing that stayed with me after i was done reading them...
RAGE.
i felt bad for myself when i was a little girl, i felt like taking that little girl who copiously wrote these words by the hand and telling her Please don't dream, darling,
i never really raged much, kinda easy-going. i used to like people and even if i din't, i always got along.
But i don't really recognise this angry other woman who has become me. i am so angry to realise that i hadn't seem myself hopping and skipping towards this road to melancholy, i am angry with the years of getting pushed over just because i was a nice girl and i hate hated fights.
Anyhoo, though i am a fat, angry young woman now...i feel like that that other woman is not me and i get deeply hurt when i am all alone. Also i came across this verse from the Bible...i really loved it.

At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.
2 Timothy 4:16

Still wishing nothing bad for the deserters and back stabbers, maybe i am not so bad like the other woman wants me to be... 
Its my anniversary tomorrow...not mine...but ours. As in, mine and M''s. i don't think he even remembers it, just like last year.
But i do, just like last year and the year before. This month, October, is was special to me. Our anniversary, my birthday, M's birthday and...a name for my future child, that's how much I love loved October. 

When love is at its best, one loves so much that he cannot forget.
- Helen Hunt Jackson

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet
and the winds long to play with your hair -Khalil Gibran

i don't know what i will do, have no plans either...i miss loving you, October.

Sayonara
*__*