Everyone says the dull ache in my heart will go away if i go out and meet more people but this tendency of mine to disappear behind my silence and fake a toothy grin that makes my eyes crinkle or give a frosty-the-snow-bitch vibe, never goes away.
Where do i start
the past, and the chase
You hunted me down
Like a wolf, a predator
i felt like a deer in love lights
- She Wolf, Calvin Harris feat Kelis
i spent the weekend reading my old diaries...though my current one, Lu Ling, is probably my most neglected diary ever. i feel bad for Lu Ling...i mean i have never been so tired ever in my life and yet, i want to write to her all the time, but i think she will see me as i see myself...a loser stuck in the past. Then again, Lu Ling is just a name for sheets of paper bound with glue. But then, maybe not. She is more human to me.
Anyway, reading my old diaries was a bad idea, and i don't really recommend that to anyone. i swung between so many emotions. From arriving to office with puffy lip (after biting it so i won't cry in the metro, which again is not a great place to read your old diary no matter how curious you are) to staring at people hoping to run into a long-forgotten friend, there is only one thing that stayed with me after i was done reading them...
RAGE.
i felt bad for myself when i was a little girl, i felt like taking that little girl who copiously wrote these words by the hand and telling her Please don't dream, darling,
i never really raged much, kinda easy-going. i used to like people and even if i din't, i always got along.
But i don't really recognise this angry other woman who has become me. i am so angry to realise that i hadn't seem myself hopping and skipping towards this road to melancholy, i am angry with the years of getting pushed over just because i was a nice girl and ihate hated fights.
Anyhoo, though i am a fat, angry young woman now...i feel like that that other woman is not me and i get deeply hurt when i am all alone. Also i came across this verse from the Bible...i really loved it.
At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.
2 Timothy 4:16
Still wishing nothing bad for the deserters and back stabbers, maybe i am not so bad like the other woman wants me to be...
Its my anniversary tomorrow...not mine...but ours. As in, mine and M''s. i don't think he even remembers it, just like last year.
But i do, just like last year and the year before. This month, October,is was special to me. Our anniversary, my birthday, M's birthday and...a name for my future child, that's how much I love loved October.
When love is at its best, one loves so much that he cannot forget.
- Helen Hunt Jackson
i don't know what i will do, have no plans either...i miss loving you, October.
Sayonara
*__*
Where do i start
the past, and the chase
You hunted me down
Like a wolf, a predator
i felt like a deer in love lights
- She Wolf, Calvin Harris feat Kelis
i spent the weekend reading my old diaries...though my current one, Lu Ling, is probably my most neglected diary ever. i feel bad for Lu Ling...i mean i have never been so tired ever in my life and yet, i want to write to her all the time, but i think she will see me as i see myself...a loser stuck in the past. Then again, Lu Ling is just a name for sheets of paper bound with glue. But then, maybe not. She is more human to me.
Anyway, reading my old diaries was a bad idea, and i don't really recommend that to anyone. i swung between so many emotions. From arriving to office with puffy lip (after biting it so i won't cry in the metro, which again is not a great place to read your old diary no matter how curious you are) to staring at people hoping to run into a long-forgotten friend, there is only one thing that stayed with me after i was done reading them...
RAGE.
i felt bad for myself when i was a little girl, i felt like taking that little girl who copiously wrote these words by the hand and telling her Please don't dream, darling,
i never really raged much, kinda easy-going. i used to like people and even if i din't, i always got along.
But i don't really recognise this angry other woman who has become me. i am so angry to realise that i hadn't seem myself hopping and skipping towards this road to melancholy, i am angry with the years of getting pushed over just because i was a nice girl and i
Anyhoo, though i am a fat, angry young woman now...i feel like that that other woman is not me and i get deeply hurt when i am all alone. Also i came across this verse from the Bible...i really loved it.
At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.
2 Timothy 4:16
Still wishing nothing bad for the deserters and back stabbers, maybe i am not so bad like the other woman wants me to be...
Its my anniversary tomorrow...not mine...but ours. As in, mine and M''s. i don't think he even remembers it, just like last year.
But i do, just like last year and the year before. This month, October,
When love is at its best, one loves so much that he cannot forget.
- Helen Hunt Jackson
 |
| And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair -Khalil Gibran |
i don't know what i will do, have no plans either...i miss loving you, October.
Sayonara
*__*
I know this. This thing which the specialists call hopelessness, and sometimes they have the nerve to call it worthlessness. You'er right- a diary is meant for writing only. I don't write a diary but then there is this imperfect diary in the head. A diary of dreams rather than that of memories. Sometimes reading it makes me file like a woman being chased by rapists. The fear. The desperation. And anger. Would this woman feel anger? Maybe after she has been raped. It took me eighteen month to come out of this quicksand. I'm standing at the edge. People told me to move on. But isn't moving on like cutting off your arm?! I didn't have any revelation, it came naturally to me. I accepted it. To say it in Gotye's words- "Now you're just somebody that I used to know". But the memories are mine. And they are good, if not comforting. But they are good. I used to wait for the 11th of each month. Especially in December. Now, saying it in her words, it doesn't matter. Nothing lasts. Nothing is lost.
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