My eyes are open but my mind is so dead. i just want to lock myself in a room and just be. There is so much shit and i just don't know how to unravel this madness.
i am feeling pushed from all sides and there is no outlet. Akemi is getting punched, pulled and stretched from all sides and has no where to go. i am so tired of changing colours to make others happy and faking smiles, i feel like slut who is selling her soul for some more time on earth.
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| They tell me life is beautiful They think i have it all i have nothing without you All my dreams and all the lights mean nothing without you |
The irony is that i don't really want to stay on anymore.
And this is just a trailer. The life promises to get more shittier and my insomnia has given me the same ultimatum.
There is something about 4 am...like i have said before...something. 3 am is so not the devil's hour, but fast forward an hour later and all the vermin inside me start crawling out. Ugh...okay it's not so creepy but yea i feel crazy and paranoid at that hour. There is sort of timeliness to my madness.
After a hiatus of a year and a half, i am on the familiar road of self destruction again and i feel complete.
i am giving and giving but it never seems enough for anything to be fine, for anybody... least of all for me.
If I am for others, then who is for me? And if I am for myself, then what am I for?
- Ruslana Koshunova (RIP, i understand what pushed you.)
i wonder if they can see how they are sucking life out of me. i am no longer happy to work, to eat or to breathe. i wonder if this is all it is...if this is what i aced my classes for? To just blend in with the chair and the air and then my ideas, myself and all my feelings just evaporate.
i think i am ready to give up.
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| But not before she owns this. Love you, McQueen. RIP |
Update: A gang rapist committed suicide. i don't want to run into him in the corridor to hell. Giving up delayed.
Sayonara
-_-
Sayonara
-_-
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