Almost lovers

Now..is all about going back to the basics. Delving so much into my thoughts that i return to where i come from.
No, not going home. But i want to introspect so much that i go back to that XX chromosome stage. Well, not really but you get the drift.

i recently went for a whirlwind trip to Rishikesh with an old acquaintance and two strangers. It was beautiful. i know, most of the people don't really think of this place as the ideal getaway. But trust me, i found such unexplored beauties and amazingly cheap places to stay and eat that i think Rishikesh may as well be my go-to getaway place.

But.....
i kept thinking about X. Like the way he held my hand while we walked, the way we stared at the hillocks and some really funny memories. It was nice. He is happy now, so i don't want to rush in like wrecking ball into his life, but i am glad to have shared those happy memories with him. He deserves much better...i wouldn't make a good lover for anyone. i can definitely be nice to him, though. 
On that note, M and i have called quits on our arrangement. i took a long time to realise that we are clearly not what we were before and we certainly can't end up together happily. One of us or even both are bound to be miserable. i can definitely break all ties with him, finally. He has really sucked dry this relationship of whatever emotion was left and since i refused to be tied down by bitterness, i can only let go.

So, going back to basics.
i think this trip opened me up a lot...putting me in touch with myself...a re-introduction of sorts. Life is too short to be spent moping and also...longing for love. Cuz it will happen when it has to...and it surely won't be in the form or type you expected. You need to realise when it hits you in the face and decide if this is the love you want to settle for. As per my introspection, love happens many times and sometimes you can make the mistake of falling for the same person again and again. 
i fell in love so many times during this trip...on the banks of Ganges, i fell in love with nature and then while hiking i fell in love with this cute dog who just wouldn't let me go.

Sayonara

*_*

From long ago

Have settled into my new house. Expenses have sky rocketed...literally. i fear that at this rate my expenditures may just go so high so as to find a new galaxy. 

So i gotta promotion and am a senior reporter now...the salary hiked by a trickle. Anyhoo, despite the adult-ish issues of handling my finances..i feel like i am in a very good space mentally. There have been some rumours floating around that our office may shift to Noida or Gurgaon. Great! Just great, considering that i recently shifted :/

i had a tarot card reading sesh with a seemingly 'all-knowing' pretty lady. She scared me senseless when she said that my job was never right for me from Day 1. Hmmm...so that means my gut feeling about Mother Shark at work hating my guts the minute she set eyes on me may not be entirely unfounded! She said something about X too...and considering how things panned out between us. She wasn't wrong. 

When i see you again
And i'm greeted as a friend
It is understood
That we did all we could
- Sunset, The XX

i think all the ti me in technicolour. From sewing curtains to splattering paint on my jeans, weird ideas keep circulating inside my head. So much so, i chopped my horribly undisciplined curls into a tight bob and i just let them be. A mop of curls, a la Medusa. i guess i have to keep busy with my weirdness till M returns. The fact that i will only be able to see him next month hasn't quite hit me. i am content with the occasional calls whenever he gets network in the sea.

UPDATE

My kitten has run away/ gotten lost (i am not sure since she acts so self-sufficient like she doesn't need me though her occasional licks and cuddling send me over the moon*_*) 

fine

I am fine now with waking up every morning or post-midnight/witching hour and not finding you staring at me.

I am fine with not having to give you breakfast, cleaning your food bowls, while you mewed and sat on my feet, and emptying your litter box and then rushing to work, late.

I am fine with not arguing with the butcher for the best pieces of meat and returning home every evening to make porridge for you.

I am fine with having no one to share my dinner with, like the way i had to even when you had already had yours.

I am fine with finishing packs and packs of cigarettes while sitting in the dark alone, without you giving me company.

I am fine with nobody following me into the washroom and waiting till I was finished, and expecting to be petted if I took too long.

I am fine with not having to cancel all my social engagements and not speaking to friends who didn't like you, just so both of us could snuggle or stare at each other forever.

I am fine with not having to wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of things crashing, you just playing.

I am fine with not having to give in to your begging for post-midnight/early-morning treats.

I am fine with not seeing you passed out in my wardrobe or having my clothes covered in your fur or smelling funny or just freshly pooped on by you.

I am fine with not having you around to hiss at people you (we) both disliked and me pretending to agree with them how badly brought up you were.

But sometimes when i remember how truly happy you made me, the memories punch a hole through my chest and i crumple, defenseless and so very alone...without you.
Then, i am not fine at all...I never will be again.

Cuz no matter how hard I try, nothing replaces you.

Sayonara

Say hello to reality

i know it has been oft said that you get to know your true friends when you are at your lowest. And before this week i
couldn't care less.

i opened my bandages and managed to fuck up my slowly healing wounds in the process. i just had to. And, after so much effort, i couldn't even take a bath. My flatmate had to come in an sponge me.
Nice of her...i say, but i feel mortified.

They say when you are falling down in life, you meet all the people you walked on while you were climbing up.
A friend of mine, who i haven't been really nice to....came over too. Despite having work the next day and being allergic to my cat. She saw my wounds and cried. When she hugged me, i felt like maybe, just maybe everything will be alright someday.

Its funny since all the people i thought i could turn to seemed to have disappeared like they never existed. i won't take names...but yea, its easy to say you love omeone when you are fucking them in their bed but true love is holding their hand when they are too sick to even get up from the same bed.

Update
As i was penning this entry...my landlord, his wife and an army of architects walked in. They want to stay in the house. And technically they are not wrong. Since, we had full plans to move to a new place till last night when we realised we hated all the houses that the broker has been showing us since April.

Homeless and wounded. Dad away in some godforsaken location for work and mum out of the country. i just wish there was someone...to pull me out of this depressive cesspool of my thoughts. Where do i go? Who do i turn to? Never felt so alone and helpless....

Doesn't it always keep raining gloom in my life?

g

Say my name or say whatever

i though the curse was broken...but i was wrong. Oh so wrong.

My life is not mine without a generous dose of drama. You know that feeling "This can't happen to me. It only happens to others." Well, the reverse is true in my case. If you know me or have me in your life, i am probably that person. The one likely to get abducted by aliens or immaculately conceive and give birth to the spawn of satan. Whatever.

Anyhoo, this time i managed to be a part of a purse snatching incident. Seems normal right? Two men on a bike, snatch an unsuspecting victim's purse and speed off. Wrong.

You forgot the victim was me- the harbinger of shit or simply, Queen of Shit Magnets. 

My attackers took my purse and dragged me along too. On the road. For 10 meters.

The result was bruises and wounds...not to mention, the usual low self esteem dipping extra low and trauma levels at an all time high.

BUT, Akemi feels horribly sorry for her attackers. 

Bad karma aside, my bag that they so painstakingly snatched had a wet towel (a smelly, old one), a freshly used swimming costume (ugly brown-green creation, bought on sale) and a baby lotion. 

Guess the joke is on them.

Sayonara

*_*

Mother of otherness, eat me.

i talk to god, but the sky is empty.
- Sylvia Plath 

Writing after a longish sabbatical. Much has changed. MUCH.
Right from my hairstyle to my life. And summer is here too. 
Currently i am PMSing so pardon me if the post turns out very depressive...though when was it ever otherwise in the Akemi world :/ 

Y  is out of my life. It was bittersweet but it had to be done. Sometimes you need to cut some ties to fly higher and frankly, i was not comfortable with being in a relationship when i am giving my 5% or even less and the other person is giving it their all.

Let's get a little bit honest here.
i am not a dreamer. At least not in my opinion...i don't wish for things that might not happen nor do i need to snort a line or two to actually enter some fluffy pink psychedelic world.
i think i am confused, at the very best. My question is very simple- why do people have this inherent need to complicate stuff?
Like, we were definitely not born to be megalomaniacs, attention whores or even bitter, cynical people. We all were born pink and gurgling, laughing or crying with basic needs- food, diaper changes and lots of love. i understand the need for sex, shoes or cars when you grow up, its just the toxic emotions i don't get.
i mean what is the need to claw each other down just to get ahead?
i guess i am just kinda agitated cuz of the brutal realistion that if Akemi does not fit a particular mold...there is no place for her despite her best efforts. And as a single working woman, away from home and everything she has ever loved, Akemi is an exploitable commodity. A hand to mouth existence, if you may. No place for dreams, no chance for them to be realised.
Just lost my two beloved dogs back home in the hills, they died within a week.

Wow after that outburst, i feel surprisingly great...i just have to stop letting the shark-in-command at work keep getting to me.

i miss this day...or night. At my best friend's (?) place, who is perhaps waiting for me to make an appearance at her engagement ceremony as we speak, in a city that is barely 5 hours away. But, i am not going. Financial issues aside, i really don't know why?
i feel bad. i want to go too. But, i just don't. 

Is there no way out of the mind?
- Sylvia Plath

i think M is getting to me again. He lured me into the sticky sweet honeycomb with the same old promises and though, i tried to protect myself but like previous times, i am caught in the web. Is it my penchant to self-destruct or the desperate human need to look for a soul to cling to? i knew the jealousy, distrust and his escapist tendencies would get better of the so called love he has for me. But then again, it was peaceful and fulfilling while it lasted, like most fleeting things are. 

i lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me i'm here.
- Sylvia Plath

However, i am wiser unlike last time i am not ready to freefall...when distrust reared his ugly head, i let him loose. Defended myself with honour, left with my eyes dry and my face straight. Maybe i am not worth his while. 

Sayonara 
    

  

Sour puss :(

Life is funny and at the moment idk whether to laugh or cry. Let's just say that as a cat-lady i am inclined to stick to the adage curiosity killed the cat.

i recently found out that M has been conversing with a school junior...about my private anatomy....*coughvajayjaycough* Let's just say, the creepy junior asked him and M just laughed, agreeing. Not that i expected him to punch a hole through that creep's face (though, that would have been really nice too) but a laugh signifies that you are okay with the topic...it is literally placing a WELCOME door mat for further such conversations.
i could have spared myself the horror. But no, curious as i am, i walked smack down into that pit, sucked that horrid conversation dry of all the humiliation and cried.

i have no clue what makes men behave this way. Why would you want to drive a bus over someone's really, really cherished boundaries? Just cuz they trusted you and let you in...
Anyhoo, i feel humiliated.  

And i have my reasons (as well as sources cuz i have journalist swag :P) to believe that this may not be the last of pussy talk...you know. Well..karma, i trust you.

forbidden colours

i feel humiliated. My cheeks are still stinging and red from the feeling of being so insulted.
The worst is that it is all my fault.

There is more than a week to go for the month to end and i am penniless, literally. i searched all my clothes and under the bed to find a few pennies just to buy some cancer sticks. While in that dingy kiosk, i dropped some of my pennies in the dark and adding to the misery, the shopkeeper miscounted my change, over charged me. The horrible man and the roadside romeos, sniggered as i searched the wet, muddy road for the money. In the end, i just left.

i am so mortified...with the episode and the realisation that i am a nicotine addict.

i have no clue, no recollection of how i reached this stage. And worse, i have no clue how to channel this anger and hatred i feel towards myself. My self-mutilation and substance abuse days are far, far behind me. And, after leaving them for real, i really don't want to wallow in that sort of darkness. No matter how tempted i am.

No matter how desperate the times, i really don't have it in me to ask for help. Maybe, i was brought up wrong...with a huge self-respect and ego thingamajig but no curbs on my reckless spending. That scene in the TV show Girls, where Lena Dunham lies to her mum about being financially fine, echoes the story of my life. i really don't know why i cannot tell her the truth...maybe i don't want her to feel like i failed her as a daughter...that i am still not mature enough to handle my own life.
To make matters worse, i have a horrible cold and can't stop sneezing :/ And i re-twisted my already banged up foot.
Things are so bad, the only consolation is that i am certain they can't get any worse.

My love wears forbidden colours
- Sylvian and Sakamato, Forbidden Colours

i have been having strange dreams, that make me quite uneasy. Something is quite amiss but I cannot put my finger on it. i don't know why i have this feeling that i have to make sense of them, like i feel they are trying to tell me something but i really don't understand.

You can set sail to the West, if you want to
And pass the horizon, till i can't even see you
Far from here where the beaches are wide 
Just leave me you wake to remember you by
- Gregory and the Hawk, Boats and Bird


Sayonara