Say hello to reality

i know it has been oft said that you get to know your true friends when you are at your lowest. And before this week i
couldn't care less.

i opened my bandages and managed to fuck up my slowly healing wounds in the process. i just had to. And, after so much effort, i couldn't even take a bath. My flatmate had to come in an sponge me.
Nice of her...i say, but i feel mortified.

They say when you are falling down in life, you meet all the people you walked on while you were climbing up.
A friend of mine, who i haven't been really nice to....came over too. Despite having work the next day and being allergic to my cat. She saw my wounds and cried. When she hugged me, i felt like maybe, just maybe everything will be alright someday.

Its funny since all the people i thought i could turn to seemed to have disappeared like they never existed. i won't take names...but yea, its easy to say you love omeone when you are fucking them in their bed but true love is holding their hand when they are too sick to even get up from the same bed.

Update
As i was penning this entry...my landlord, his wife and an army of architects walked in. They want to stay in the house. And technically they are not wrong. Since, we had full plans to move to a new place till last night when we realised we hated all the houses that the broker has been showing us since April.

Homeless and wounded. Dad away in some godforsaken location for work and mum out of the country. i just wish there was someone...to pull me out of this depressive cesspool of my thoughts. Where do i go? Who do i turn to? Never felt so alone and helpless....

Doesn't it always keep raining gloom in my life?

g

Say my name or say whatever

i though the curse was broken...but i was wrong. Oh so wrong.

My life is not mine without a generous dose of drama. You know that feeling "This can't happen to me. It only happens to others." Well, the reverse is true in my case. If you know me or have me in your life, i am probably that person. The one likely to get abducted by aliens or immaculately conceive and give birth to the spawn of satan. Whatever.

Anyhoo, this time i managed to be a part of a purse snatching incident. Seems normal right? Two men on a bike, snatch an unsuspecting victim's purse and speed off. Wrong.

You forgot the victim was me- the harbinger of shit or simply, Queen of Shit Magnets. 

My attackers took my purse and dragged me along too. On the road. For 10 meters.

The result was bruises and wounds...not to mention, the usual low self esteem dipping extra low and trauma levels at an all time high.

BUT, Akemi feels horribly sorry for her attackers. 

Bad karma aside, my bag that they so painstakingly snatched had a wet towel (a smelly, old one), a freshly used swimming costume (ugly brown-green creation, bought on sale) and a baby lotion. 

Guess the joke is on them.

Sayonara

*_*

Mother of otherness, eat me.

i talk to god, but the sky is empty.
- Sylvia Plath 

Writing after a longish sabbatical. Much has changed. MUCH.
Right from my hairstyle to my life. And summer is here too. 
Currently i am PMSing so pardon me if the post turns out very depressive...though when was it ever otherwise in the Akemi world :/ 

Y  is out of my life. It was bittersweet but it had to be done. Sometimes you need to cut some ties to fly higher and frankly, i was not comfortable with being in a relationship when i am giving my 5% or even less and the other person is giving it their all.

Let's get a little bit honest here.
i am not a dreamer. At least not in my opinion...i don't wish for things that might not happen nor do i need to snort a line or two to actually enter some fluffy pink psychedelic world.
i think i am confused, at the very best. My question is very simple- why do people have this inherent need to complicate stuff?
Like, we were definitely not born to be megalomaniacs, attention whores or even bitter, cynical people. We all were born pink and gurgling, laughing or crying with basic needs- food, diaper changes and lots of love. i understand the need for sex, shoes or cars when you grow up, its just the toxic emotions i don't get.
i mean what is the need to claw each other down just to get ahead?
i guess i am just kinda agitated cuz of the brutal realistion that if Akemi does not fit a particular mold...there is no place for her despite her best efforts. And as a single working woman, away from home and everything she has ever loved, Akemi is an exploitable commodity. A hand to mouth existence, if you may. No place for dreams, no chance for them to be realised.
Just lost my two beloved dogs back home in the hills, they died within a week.

Wow after that outburst, i feel surprisingly great...i just have to stop letting the shark-in-command at work keep getting to me.

i miss this day...or night. At my best friend's (?) place, who is perhaps waiting for me to make an appearance at her engagement ceremony as we speak, in a city that is barely 5 hours away. But, i am not going. Financial issues aside, i really don't know why?
i feel bad. i want to go too. But, i just don't. 

Is there no way out of the mind?
- Sylvia Plath

i think M is getting to me again. He lured me into the sticky sweet honeycomb with the same old promises and though, i tried to protect myself but like previous times, i am caught in the web. Is it my penchant to self-destruct or the desperate human need to look for a soul to cling to? i knew the jealousy, distrust and his escapist tendencies would get better of the so called love he has for me. But then again, it was peaceful and fulfilling while it lasted, like most fleeting things are. 

i lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me i'm here.
- Sylvia Plath

However, i am wiser unlike last time i am not ready to freefall...when distrust reared his ugly head, i let him loose. Defended myself with honour, left with my eyes dry and my face straight. Maybe i am not worth his while. 

Sayonara