Memento Viviere

i feel like i am helium balloon flowing away and the only thing keeping me tethered to reality is Jordan's playlist.

From a memoir to a memento mori, the playlist has turned into something else now. i keep adding songs that he never got a chance to listen to, the ones that keep me sane.

Dance with your eyes wide shut

40 degrees 'round us

Holding you closer than before

The only way I'm letting you go

Is if I can't see my hands

If my heart beats one less

Faster than it's ever before

All that I ask of you is one more dance.

- One more dance, D4vd

i play this song on loop...again and again...as if by listening to it louder each time it would bring him back. 

Before i found this song, it was one that made me feel like i have accepted the reality. That was fleeting but i am thankful for the short-lived sense of being okay. 

I once am so mad at the universe but it is indifferent. i am so scared that i will forget how it felt to live in a world where he was my constant.

Sayonara