Strange

That's the thing about breakdowns...you know...the prelude before the snap is sickening. You watch yourself screw up everything that once mattered to you and you cannot control it. 

i think i am going through that phase. Everyday i have to convince myself that i need to make it through the day because i'm not a quitter, i'm strong i can do it. But i am slowly eating myself up from the inside. i am my own parasite. 

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will instead
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

i am functioning but i am also fucking up. And i am terrified that i will never get out of this and even if i do, i would have hurt too many and burnt all the bridges that lead to the perfect me a month ago. i feel suffocated and the feeling of freefalling at the same time. 

It's really really annoying that even though i want to do a social media detox, I am REQUIRED to stay wired all the time. i am going crazy and i can't show it. The worst is that you can never pin-point what is the cause, you just feel what you do. 

But i really wanna get better...i really can't bear the madness inside my head. So, i've decided to come here and scream..about a few things that may not be related to my mindfuck but are irking me nevertheless. i mean, these are all the things i think about. Everyday. Every waking minute. Every sleeping second. 

1. i am tired of being stared at all the time. Everywhere i go, someone or the other clicks photographs and snapchats about me WITHOUT permission. i really feel guilty for having the balls to actually do something with my hair other than get streaks :/

2. i hate my new job. i feel overworked and underpaid...it's like this- if you're good at something EVERYONE expects you to do EVERYTHING. i feel like they are taking undue advantage of my OCDs just cuz i cant do work half-heartedly.

3. i am in love  feeling some strange feelings about this one guy, with whom i really cannot must-not have any dealings for the sake of my sanity. For starters, he's in love with another...though that's not a woman and it's more of a habit and he's related to me in a versy peculiar way. Not incestuous but social circle-wise.

4. i think i am being stalked and the creep knows where i live. i have no idea what to do.

5. i am sort of 'chilling' with this one guy who's really nice and all but i feel stressed and not-happy with him but when he goes away, i feel sad. i am pretty sure it's not love.  

I don't even know how it all started...all i know it started with a random dream years and years ago. The kind of dream where you're dreaming of nothing, it's jet black in your mind and suddenly a scene slides into the frame. What really happened in the dream...is something i'll never tell. But i saw some designs...i think they were tattoos. And, years and years later, i saw those on HIS arms. Of course, at first they seemed familiar but much much later that dream came back to me in it's full form. Only this time, the person had a face and the arms had designs I had seen in real life. 

Did i dream him into life?

He is horrible. Nothing that i would ever ever would want in my life. But he does strange things to my mind. i wanna protect myself so i am more horrible to him and we end up hating each other. i have no idea, no surety of what i want from him...except that he makes me feel strange things.  

Sayonara

People are onions

You will never believe what brought me back here....
Sure an urge to purge through writing. But something else... a thought- People have so many contrasting depths within them. And to tell you precisely what led me to this thought i will have to let you in on one contrasting layer of mine.

From your
Narrator's chair
A calming scent
Of lavender fills
The air.
- The Fool, Moderat

When people look at me they are intimidated sometimes or just think that i am a materialistic, snotty bitch who thinks too much of herself. Yes, that may be true...but people who thought this initially and are now my friends also cannot get over the fact how pleb i am.
The Layer. People keep telling me that i am good at this and that and i should open this parlour, that shop. But nobody really knows what i am really good at... and enjoy doing too.
i love cleaning bathrooms
DAFUQ! right? i don't quite know how i came across this layer of mine. Maybe it's just a combination of wanting my surroundings to be clean, not trusting others to do a good job or just the smell of my favourite detergent. i don't know what is it...
And no, i clean other's too. i mean there have been times when i've moved into new flat where the previous tennant left the bathroom tiles muddied, the pot yellowed and the sink flooded. i've just waited till i'm alone, armed myself with the harshest detergents, cleaners and brushes to get scrubbing. then when my new flatmate comes in and gets shocked at the pleasant smelling, spotless loo, that gives me a feeling i can't express. It feels nice.

What i actually mean is that not just beauty everything is skin-deep. People may be horrible to you but a saint to someone else. It's difficult to slot everyone in a black or white shade. i can be a fashion reporter and love everything beautiful but i like to scrub away mud and shit from the loos. Does that make me a psycho? i hope not!

Sayonara! 

Ivy still clings to the wall, into life some rain must fall

Here i am again...all because i had a thought late last night. Who the hell made these guidelines about what being love should be like? It's really messed up. i mean NONE of the people i know have had the 'happily ever after'....it's always with some ifs and buts. The 'happily-ever-after' IF at all it happens is never unconditional. And why do we not see the beauty of all kinds of messed up love around?

M and i are back together in a very messed up way. We aren't dating, we aren't even making out or having sex. We just lie together in bed and feel complete. Then, in the morning we put on our masks and go our way as strangers.
We are just together in a very forbidden way, none of his people know about me and none of mine even know that we are in touch. We are in love and probably will be forever. i am hanging out with other boys and he is banging other girls but at the end of the day, we hang our coats in each other's heart-shaped home.

When we are together it all feels complete, but we cannot imagine giving this relationship a name, at least i can't. i won't even try. You see, when you try to put your love in a labelled box, you close yourself off to many unexplained emotions, feelings and experiences. He's not a friend cuz he's hurt me too much to be called one. Yet, he's more than a friend because our souls open up to eachother like no other. He's not a lover because i don't plan on a future with him and yet, he's more than lover because we do love each other more than anybody can imagine.
Yet, there's a painful snag in this system. When you are making your own rules, there is no acceptable way to solve your problems.    

Sayonara
*__*

life

Snaring a stoner

The new year and a lot of other things have come and gone. It makes me thinks of what remains constant...
i don't remain constant neither does my life. The only thing that does is the shit i attract...actually change that to 'stoners.'

Either all the men in the world are busy snorting, smoking up and injecting or i am the magnet for all such men. i can't recall any guy i have been romantically interested in who doesn't quite indulge in this vice. So as a result, i have this huge thing against it. And no, romantic allusions to 'ooh he's gonna quit cuz he loves me' shit don't work. Ask me— been there, felt that.

So, the new guy lights up Js after Js while remaining normal...barring the slight  almost negligible redness of eyes. That's scarier, i dunno why but it just is. Considering i am a huge nicotine addict, it seems really hypocritical of me. Sigh...the irony and the anomaly.

But now, i decided to take a long, hard look at myself and figure out if is it just me or are all the guys STONERS :/

Happy New Year, hope your's was better than mine.

Sayonara

*_*

Almost lovers

Now..is all about going back to the basics. Delving so much into my thoughts that i return to where i come from.
No, not going home. But i want to introspect so much that i go back to that XX chromosome stage. Well, not really but you get the drift.

i recently went for a whirlwind trip to Rishikesh with an old acquaintance and two strangers. It was beautiful. i know, most of the people don't really think of this place as the ideal getaway. But trust me, i found such unexplored beauties and amazingly cheap places to stay and eat that i think Rishikesh may as well be my go-to getaway place.

But.....
i kept thinking about X. Like the way he held my hand while we walked, the way we stared at the hillocks and some really funny memories. It was nice. He is happy now, so i don't want to rush in like wrecking ball into his life, but i am glad to have shared those happy memories with him. He deserves much better...i wouldn't make a good lover for anyone. i can definitely be nice to him, though. 
On that note, M and i have called quits on our arrangement. i took a long time to realise that we are clearly not what we were before and we certainly can't end up together happily. One of us or even both are bound to be miserable. i can definitely break all ties with him, finally. He has really sucked dry this relationship of whatever emotion was left and since i refused to be tied down by bitterness, i can only let go.

So, going back to basics.
i think this trip opened me up a lot...putting me in touch with myself...a re-introduction of sorts. Life is too short to be spent moping and also...longing for love. Cuz it will happen when it has to...and it surely won't be in the form or type you expected. You need to realise when it hits you in the face and decide if this is the love you want to settle for. As per my introspection, love happens many times and sometimes you can make the mistake of falling for the same person again and again. 
i fell in love so many times during this trip...on the banks of Ganges, i fell in love with nature and then while hiking i fell in love with this cute dog who just wouldn't let me go.

Sayonara

*_*

From long ago

Have settled into my new house. Expenses have sky rocketed...literally. i fear that at this rate my expenditures may just go so high so as to find a new galaxy. 

So i gotta promotion and am a senior reporter now...the salary hiked by a trickle. Anyhoo, despite the adult-ish issues of handling my finances..i feel like i am in a very good space mentally. There have been some rumours floating around that our office may shift to Noida or Gurgaon. Great! Just great, considering that i recently shifted :/

i had a tarot card reading sesh with a seemingly 'all-knowing' pretty lady. She scared me senseless when she said that my job was never right for me from Day 1. Hmmm...so that means my gut feeling about Mother Shark at work hating my guts the minute she set eyes on me may not be entirely unfounded! She said something about X too...and considering how things panned out between us. She wasn't wrong. 

When i see you again
And i'm greeted as a friend
It is understood
That we did all we could
- Sunset, The XX

i think all the ti me in technicolour. From sewing curtains to splattering paint on my jeans, weird ideas keep circulating inside my head. So much so, i chopped my horribly undisciplined curls into a tight bob and i just let them be. A mop of curls, a la Medusa. i guess i have to keep busy with my weirdness till M returns. The fact that i will only be able to see him next month hasn't quite hit me. i am content with the occasional calls whenever he gets network in the sea.

UPDATE

My kitten has run away/ gotten lost (i am not sure since she acts so self-sufficient like she doesn't need me though her occasional licks and cuddling send me over the moon*_*)