Mother of otherness, eat me.

i talk to god, but the sky is empty.
- Sylvia Plath 

Writing after a longish sabbatical. Much has changed. MUCH.
Right from my hairstyle to my life. And summer is here too. 
Currently i am PMSing so pardon me if the post turns out very depressive...though when was it ever otherwise in the Akemi world :/ 

Y  is out of my life. It was bittersweet but it had to be done. Sometimes you need to cut some ties to fly higher and frankly, i was not comfortable with being in a relationship when i am giving my 5% or even less and the other person is giving it their all.

Let's get a little bit honest here.
i am not a dreamer. At least not in my opinion...i don't wish for things that might not happen nor do i need to snort a line or two to actually enter some fluffy pink psychedelic world.
i think i am confused, at the very best. My question is very simple- why do people have this inherent need to complicate stuff?
Like, we were definitely not born to be megalomaniacs, attention whores or even bitter, cynical people. We all were born pink and gurgling, laughing or crying with basic needs- food, diaper changes and lots of love. i understand the need for sex, shoes or cars when you grow up, its just the toxic emotions i don't get.
i mean what is the need to claw each other down just to get ahead?
i guess i am just kinda agitated cuz of the brutal realistion that if Akemi does not fit a particular mold...there is no place for her despite her best efforts. And as a single working woman, away from home and everything she has ever loved, Akemi is an exploitable commodity. A hand to mouth existence, if you may. No place for dreams, no chance for them to be realised.
Just lost my two beloved dogs back home in the hills, they died within a week.

Wow after that outburst, i feel surprisingly great...i just have to stop letting the shark-in-command at work keep getting to me.

i miss this day...or night. At my best friend's (?) place, who is perhaps waiting for me to make an appearance at her engagement ceremony as we speak, in a city that is barely 5 hours away. But, i am not going. Financial issues aside, i really don't know why?
i feel bad. i want to go too. But, i just don't. 

Is there no way out of the mind?
- Sylvia Plath

i think M is getting to me again. He lured me into the sticky sweet honeycomb with the same old promises and though, i tried to protect myself but like previous times, i am caught in the web. Is it my penchant to self-destruct or the desperate human need to look for a soul to cling to? i knew the jealousy, distrust and his escapist tendencies would get better of the so called love he has for me. But then again, it was peaceful and fulfilling while it lasted, like most fleeting things are. 

i lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me i'm here.
- Sylvia Plath

However, i am wiser unlike last time i am not ready to freefall...when distrust reared his ugly head, i let him loose. Defended myself with honour, left with my eyes dry and my face straight. Maybe i am not worth his while. 

Sayonara