Forgive sounds good
Forget, i'm not sure i could
They say time heals everything...
But i'm still waiting

- Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice

i am back again...

i wonder...and i spend endless hours thinking about this...does anyone feel the way i do?

i feel like i am capable of feeling...really feeling...only negative emotions such as hate, anger, fear, sadness. Not gluttony because i am not into food at all and food supposedly makes people happy.

It's like i was born with the feel-good receptor inside me dead. Maybe that's why i don't understand other people's happiness. i also think they are not adequately sad.

Their sadness feels not deep enough and therefore, the thing that makes them sad seems trivial too. Or maybe they are experts are hiding pain. Maybe we all are. See, but this is a common thread that joins me to them.
Other than that there is a constant state of confusion in my head. How am i supposed to behave when i don't feel?

Sometimes i really miss the days i could just cut my wrist and watch myself bleed. i really don't remember when, why and how i stopped self-destructing. i just did.

But i do miss it. 

Now, i have nothing. It's just emptiness and i really don't know how to fill it.

Today something weird happened that made me write this. A man i barely know has been texting me...that seemed like he was hitting on me. i don't know about others...but i was so repulsed. But you see, i can't trust my judgement when it comes to assessing emotions. So, i was confused.

i spoke to my only friend of sorts at workplace, showed him the texts and thankfully he agreed that they were inappropriate. He staged an intervention with the man and myself in a room. i don't think the man understood why i would feel uncomfortable...but he said he would leave me alone.

However, the point is that the whole incident left me so enraged. Why would you try get close to me when i am clearly not meant for social company?

Maybe his emotional receptor is wired incorrectly. And, he feels all the positive emotions and pick up signs when there are clearly none. Or he is an asshole.

i pick up negative vibes all the time, i can smell the sadness in a person. The man pretends to have undergone a personal tragedy but i smell no sadness on him...just weakness and worse, the penchant to use that weakness as a crutch. If that isn't repulsive, what is?

 

Sayonara  

A word whore

You know you have been going in a circle over and over again when life throws you same problems but in different packaging. 
You peel the package open and you find it is the same problem. It's just a newer version...but the same thing that you thought you had put behind you, but no, because here it is again. 

Remember when millions of years ago i had painstakingly poured out my pain through Microsoft Paint and told the tale of an ex who was bragging that i was just a fling and i quote "i am more in love with her language than her."

Here, join my 21-year-old self in the misery -Lovesongs in my head, killed us.

Anyway, same problem...different packaging. 

One of my new colleague and an old one, constantly keep hitting me up, feigning friendship and small-talk till they come around to the real deal - Hey can you write me a short intro for my interview or Can you check my script? or Can you write this or that...
 
They seem like harmless questions or just 'favours'. But i never cash the favours...and my words take them far away to happy lands of success and accolades, while i am still here languishing in a place where my work has never received a compliment in the 8 months I have spent here. 
A place where i am constantly made to feel lesser and when the day ends, i feel so small that i cannot even validate my own existence. 
i reach home in a daze, light up cigarettes after another, looking at stars and finding reasons to cry but the tears never come. 

This voice inside of me has lost its breath
It's far too tired to sing at ease
All of the things I never said out loud

They will remain inside of me

- Gert Taberner, Fallen

So, i whore my words out because even though they are stealing my thoughts...at least my words get to be in a happy place and receive kind words that i never will. 

Pornographic Ditties

No matter where i am, i find my way back to you.

Urge to purge...without speaking. How long can i manage? It's like a cancer of the soul, eating away slowly any chance of happiness- real or imagined.

Men at work are making light of my work...done after many sleepless nights. All my efforts. Just because it does not suit their ideological journalistic beliefs or may be just because they can. 

One of my teachers had told me that never be married to your work...i think i may have made that mistake. 
Their words sting...my ears are burning and my cheeks feel like they are on fire...  

i am so confused. These highly learned men, whose craft i would have respected had this not have gone down the way it did. My work does not define me...i own  nothing...my words are paid for, so why do i feel like this? 

i did not confront them. They are still talking over and around me like i don't exist. Comparing my words to porn. i did the only thing i could to not hand them the victory and cry...i wrote some more. Is it porn?
If my bursting heart is a phallus then yes, writing these words did massage it and i did climax, a tear-less, numb state of nothingness.

Hollow men, hollow lives
Big egos, conversations trite
Waiting to extinguish any spark of light    

i feel better. Let me write some more. 

Not the right shade of brown,
Not the right kind of eloquence
Not on the right side of right
The only thing right i can do is to just be

i think my black cloud has returned. The heaviness, the emptiness...and oh the guilt... so much of guilt. Because there's no reason, no explanation to why i feel the way i do.

The problem of melancholia is not just the inexplicable suffering. For me, the worst is the fear of something good happening. I'm so scared of any ray of happiness sneaking in that i let all of my chances, the shots at acing in life, just pass me by. Like a singer says 'oh sadness! I'm your girl.' i hate my job and i want to leave...i have two job interviews lined up for tomorrow too. But will i make it to them it's a big question mark. Would anyone believe that i just can't make myself do things anymore?

i am constantly thinking of ways to die... at my own hands, according to my own plan. i am not sure if i'll ever go through with it but just the thought of having an exit ready is like a warm fleece blanket and cup of hot coffee on a cold winter morning. It cocoons, shields and strengthens me... the thought that i can bring all this to an end on my own terms.
With everything going out of control, i just want to have something that's all mine... my life.

Maybe i'll get better, maybe i won't or maybe i'll see y'all on the other side. But for now... the black cloud is here to stay.

Don't

i have been having an extraordinarily bad spate of luck since September 2017 and if you don't know what happens when people are dumped with an unending series of misfortunes, let me tell you. 

When this world doesn't make sense, you turn to the other world - the unknown, the inexplicable...the void. i am no different. It all started with my dog, Jordan, getting paralysed in a freak accident and then slowly but steadily my life is withering away and i feel like i am writing my own destruction. 

Cause you're my religion
You're how I'm living
When all my friends say I should take some space
Well I can't envision, that for a minute
When I'm down on my knees, you're how I pray 
- Lana Del Rey, 'Religion'

i recently had an accident when my vehicle hit two kids on a scooter and flipped over. The driver and the vehicle were on the road, parallel to the ground and i was standing upright without a scratch. A bloody scene but a controlled chaos. At least no one was left paralyzed for life...
Just like the previous calamity, i have no recollection of how i ended where i was. i am shaken and i am scared...so very scared. But i don't know why i can't talk to anyone about it and i can't stop thinking about it either. 

There's no God was my takeaway from that night in September which has changed my life for good. Jordan isn't in depression and is his usual self most of the times. But, i can't. Just. Be. Normal. 

i can't 'Thank God' that in spite of paralysis his bladder works fine so that he doesn't need a catheter. 
i can't 'Thank God' that he has to stay away from me for the most part of the year.
i can't 'Thank God' for having great parents who have generously been babysitting him for me endlessly.
Most of all, i can't 'Thank God' for anything that stemmed out of this tragedy and that includes my high-paying but soul-sucking new job that I only took to afford his wheelchair. 

There is no God because if He/She existed, they wouldn't have put us through this while really bad people walk free. 
There's no God because no matter how many times and whichever angles I look at it from...it doesn't seem fair or right. And, if there's a God that has let this happen, I refuse to acknowledge his presence.

He isn't my God.  

Sayonara

i can make you feel

i am missing my old self. It only looks like i am way better off now...LOOKS. But i really feel that i was much happier, shinier and better at everything 10 years ago even though many people feel like i was a wreck back then. It's not true. 

Can you imagine worlds
So many miles away from here?
How many different words
And how many ways to feel the same.

- Can you imagine, Dope Stars Inc

i was a psycho, off-the-hook and unpredictable...but that was the closest to being me i think i'll ever get. i feel cheap, watered down version of what i was before, following set patterns because i don't know any better. Have you ever felt like you are stranger you don't like? Well, that's how it is for me now. i think i lost myself when i switched from Regular cigarettes to Ultra-Milds or it could also be then when i replaced having coke for breakfast-dinner-lunch with lime water or it could be when i stopped loving M. It could be anything, the only thing that matters is that what was before is not here. i have been invaded and possessed by a woman who is nothing like me. And i hate her. 

My mountain home is just like me. This time will probably the last time I'll set foot there. It's dirty, polluted and a cheap version of itself. My heart breaks...i just want to remember it the way it was. This blog is probably the only link left to my gloriously painful past. 

She says she doesn't like it here

Left everything back home

She was lost and bitter

Broken and alone

- I can make you feel, Home Video 

The only thing that hasn't changed is my loneliness. Does it happen to anyone else? The feeling like you are so alone even when you are surrounded by people. I, for one, love my loneliness. It's the love of my life, my boyfriend, my Jesus. i actively try to seek to isolate myself. Crowds of enemies or well-wishers annoy me. 

Sayonara

Strange

That's the thing about breakdowns...you know...the prelude before the snap is sickening. You watch yourself screw up everything that once mattered to you and you cannot control it. 

i think i am going through that phase. Everyday i have to convince myself that i need to make it through the day because i'm not a quitter, i'm strong i can do it. But i am slowly eating myself up from the inside. i am my own parasite. 

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will instead
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

i am functioning but i am also fucking up. And i am terrified that i will never get out of this and even if i do, i would have hurt too many and burnt all the bridges that lead to the perfect me a month ago. i feel suffocated and the feeling of freefalling at the same time. 

It's really really annoying that even though i want to do a social media detox, I am REQUIRED to stay wired all the time. i am going crazy and i can't show it. The worst is that you can never pin-point what is the cause, you just feel what you do. 

But i really wanna get better...i really can't bear the madness inside my head. So, i've decided to come here and scream..about a few things that may not be related to my mindfuck but are irking me nevertheless. i mean, these are all the things i think about. Everyday. Every waking minute. Every sleeping second. 

1. i am tired of being stared at all the time. Everywhere i go, someone or the other clicks photographs and snapchats about me WITHOUT permission. i really feel guilty for having the balls to actually do something with my hair other than get streaks :/

2. i hate my new job. i feel overworked and underpaid...it's like this- if you're good at something EVERYONE expects you to do EVERYTHING. i feel like they are taking undue advantage of my OCDs just cuz i cant do work half-heartedly.

3. i am in love  feeling some strange feelings about this one guy, with whom i really cannot must-not have any dealings for the sake of my sanity. For starters, he's in love with another...though that's not a woman and it's more of a habit and he's related to me in a versy peculiar way. Not incestuous but social circle-wise.

4. i think i am being stalked and the creep knows where i live. i have no idea what to do.

5. i am sort of 'chilling' with this one guy who's really nice and all but i feel stressed and not-happy with him but when he goes away, i feel sad. i am pretty sure it's not love.  

I don't even know how it all started...all i know it started with a random dream years and years ago. The kind of dream where you're dreaming of nothing, it's jet black in your mind and suddenly a scene slides into the frame. What really happened in the dream...is something i'll never tell. But i saw some designs...i think they were tattoos. And, years and years later, i saw those on HIS arms. Of course, at first they seemed familiar but much much later that dream came back to me in it's full form. Only this time, the person had a face and the arms had designs I had seen in real life. 

Did i dream him into life?

He is horrible. Nothing that i would ever ever would want in my life. But he does strange things to my mind. i wanna protect myself so i am more horrible to him and we end up hating each other. i have no idea, no surety of what i want from him...except that he makes me feel strange things.  

Sayonara