Forgive sounds good
Forget, i'm not sure i could
They say time heals everything...
But i'm still waiting

- Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice

i am back again...

i wonder...and i spend endless hours thinking about this...does anyone feel the way i do?

i feel like i am capable of feeling...really feeling...only negative emotions such as hate, anger, fear, sadness. Not gluttony because i am not into food at all and food supposedly makes people happy.

It's like i was born with the feel-good receptor inside me dead. Maybe that's why i don't understand other people's happiness. i also think they are not adequately sad.

Their sadness feels not deep enough and therefore, the thing that makes them sad seems trivial too. Or maybe they are experts are hiding pain. Maybe we all are. See, but this is a common thread that joins me to them.
Other than that there is a constant state of confusion in my head. How am i supposed to behave when i don't feel?

Sometimes i really miss the days i could just cut my wrist and watch myself bleed. i really don't remember when, why and how i stopped self-destructing. i just did.

But i do miss it. 

Now, i have nothing. It's just emptiness and i really don't know how to fill it.

Today something weird happened that made me write this. A man i barely know has been texting me...that seemed like he was hitting on me. i don't know about others...but i was so repulsed. But you see, i can't trust my judgement when it comes to assessing emotions. So, i was confused.

i spoke to my only friend of sorts at workplace, showed him the texts and thankfully he agreed that they were inappropriate. He staged an intervention with the man and myself in a room. i don't think the man understood why i would feel uncomfortable...but he said he would leave me alone.

However, the point is that the whole incident left me so enraged. Why would you try get close to me when i am clearly not meant for social company?

Maybe his emotional receptor is wired incorrectly. And, he feels all the positive emotions and pick up signs when there are clearly none. Or he is an asshole.

i pick up negative vibes all the time, i can smell the sadness in a person. The man pretends to have undergone a personal tragedy but i smell no sadness on him...just weakness and worse, the penchant to use that weakness as a crutch. If that isn't repulsive, what is?

 

Sayonara