Don't

i have been having an extraordinarily bad spate of luck since September 2017 and if you don't know what happens when people are dumped with an unending series of misfortunes, let me tell you. 

When this world doesn't make sense, you turn to the other world - the unknown, the inexplicable...the void. i am no different. It all started with my dog, Jordan, getting paralysed in a freak accident and then slowly but steadily my life is withering away and i feel like i am writing my own destruction. 

Cause you're my religion
You're how I'm living
When all my friends say I should take some space
Well I can't envision, that for a minute
When I'm down on my knees, you're how I pray 
- Lana Del Rey, 'Religion'

i recently had an accident when my vehicle hit two kids on a scooter and flipped over. The driver and the vehicle were on the road, parallel to the ground and i was standing upright without a scratch. A bloody scene but a controlled chaos. At least no one was left paralyzed for life...
Just like the previous calamity, i have no recollection of how i ended where i was. i am shaken and i am scared...so very scared. But i don't know why i can't talk to anyone about it and i can't stop thinking about it either. 

There's no God was my takeaway from that night in September which has changed my life for good. Jordan isn't in depression and is his usual self most of the times. But, i can't. Just. Be. Normal. 

i can't 'Thank God' that in spite of paralysis his bladder works fine so that he doesn't need a catheter. 
i can't 'Thank God' that he has to stay away from me for the most part of the year.
i can't 'Thank God' for having great parents who have generously been babysitting him for me endlessly.
Most of all, i can't 'Thank God' for anything that stemmed out of this tragedy and that includes my high-paying but soul-sucking new job that I only took to afford his wheelchair. 

There is no God because if He/She existed, they wouldn't have put us through this while really bad people walk free. 
There's no God because no matter how many times and whichever angles I look at it from...it doesn't seem fair or right. And, if there's a God that has let this happen, I refuse to acknowledge his presence.

He isn't my God.  

Sayonara