That's the thing about breakdowns...you know...the prelude before the snap is sickening. You watch yourself screw up everything that once mattered to you and you cannot control it.
i think i am going through that phase. Everyday i have to convince myself that i need to make it through the day because i'm not a quitter, i'm strong i can do it. But i am slowly eating myself up from the inside. i am my own parasite.
If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will instead
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp
i am functioning but i am also fucking up. And i am terrified that i will never get out of this and even if i do, i would have hurt too many and burnt all the bridges that lead to the perfect me a month ago. i feel suffocated and the feeling of freefalling at the same time.
It's really really annoying that even though i want to do a social media detox, I am REQUIRED to stay wired all the time. i am going crazy and i can't show it. The worst is that you can never pin-point what is the cause, you just feel what you do.
But i really wanna get better...i really can't bear the madness inside my head. So, i've decided to come here and scream..about a few things that may not be related to my mindfuck but are irking me nevertheless. i mean, these are all the things i think about. Everyday. Every waking minute. Every sleeping second.
1. i am tired of being stared at all the time. Everywhere i go, someone or the other clicks photographs and snapchats about me WITHOUT permission. i really feel guilty for having the balls to actually do something with my hair other than get streaks :/
2. i hate my new job. i feel overworked and underpaid...it's like this- if you're good at something EVERYONE expects you to do EVERYTHING. i feel like they are taking undue advantage of my OCDs just cuz i cant do work half-heartedly.
3. i amin love feeling some strange feelings about this one guy, with whom i really cannot must-not have any dealings for the sake of my sanity. For starters, he's in love with another...though that's not a woman and it's more of a habit and he's related to me in a versy peculiar way. Not incestuous but social circle-wise.
4. i think i am being stalked and the creep knows where i live. i have no idea what to do.
5. i am sort of 'chilling' with this one guy who's really nice and all but i feel stressed and not-happy with him but when he goes away, i feel sad. i am pretty sure it's not love.
I don't even know how it all started...all i know it started with a random dream years and years ago. The kind of dream where you're dreaming of nothing, it's jet black in your mind and suddenly a scene slides into the frame. What really happened in the dream...is something i'll never tell. But i saw some designs...i think they were tattoos. And, years and years later, i saw those on HIS arms. Of course, at first they seemed familiar but much much later that dream came back to me in it's full form. Only this time, the person had a face and the arms had designs I had seen in real life.
Did i dream him into life?
He is horrible. Nothing that i would ever ever would want in my life. But he does strange things to my mind. i wanna protect myself so i am more horrible to him and we end up hating each other. i have no idea, no surety of what i want from him...except that he makes me feel strange things.
Sayonara
i think i am going through that phase. Everyday i have to convince myself that i need to make it through the day because i'm not a quitter, i'm strong i can do it. But i am slowly eating myself up from the inside. i am my own parasite.
If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will instead
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp
i am functioning but i am also fucking up. And i am terrified that i will never get out of this and even if i do, i would have hurt too many and burnt all the bridges that lead to the perfect me a month ago. i feel suffocated and the feeling of freefalling at the same time.
It's really really annoying that even though i want to do a social media detox, I am REQUIRED to stay wired all the time. i am going crazy and i can't show it. The worst is that you can never pin-point what is the cause, you just feel what you do.
But i really wanna get better...i really can't bear the madness inside my head. So, i've decided to come here and scream..about a few things that may not be related to my mindfuck but are irking me nevertheless. i mean, these are all the things i think about. Everyday. Every waking minute. Every sleeping second.
1. i am tired of being stared at all the time. Everywhere i go, someone or the other clicks photographs and snapchats about me WITHOUT permission. i really feel guilty for having the balls to actually do something with my hair other than get streaks :/
2. i hate my new job. i feel overworked and underpaid...it's like this- if you're good at something EVERYONE expects you to do EVERYTHING. i feel like they are taking undue advantage of my OCDs just cuz i cant do work half-heartedly.
3. i am
4. i think i am being stalked and the creep knows where i live. i have no idea what to do.
5. i am sort of 'chilling' with this one guy who's really nice and all but i feel stressed and not-happy with him but when he goes away, i feel sad. i am pretty sure it's not love.
I don't even know how it all started...all i know it started with a random dream years and years ago. The kind of dream where you're dreaming of nothing, it's jet black in your mind and suddenly a scene slides into the frame. What really happened in the dream...is something i'll never tell. But i saw some designs...i think they were tattoos. And, years and years later, i saw those on HIS arms. Of course, at first they seemed familiar but much much later that dream came back to me in it's full form. Only this time, the person had a face and the arms had designs I had seen in real life.
Did i dream him into life?
He is horrible. Nothing that i would ever ever would want in my life. But he does strange things to my mind. i wanna protect myself so i am more horrible to him and we end up hating each other. i have no idea, no surety of what i want from him...except that he makes me feel strange things.
Sayonara
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