Under water

Having lived alone for more than two decades, being married is quite an adjustment. i really don't understand how people with uncooperative spouses deal with it for all their lives. Thank the universe for Mandem (maybe i am his uncooperative spouse...)

It may sound like a non-issue but i feel like i cannot go though my mental breakdowns in solitude anymore. Earlier, weekends were when i would go though a host of repressed emotions, deal with them with my trademark cocktail of nicotine and soda, a little bit of lavender incense burning, a hot bath and face mask. 

Cheap and cheerful.

Now, when i try addressing my issues with my tried and tested rituals, the air in my home is heavy. No, its not because i smoke indoors, only heathens do that.

Its like the emotions escape from my pores and get stuck on Mandem. While it's incredibly comforting to have someone supporting me, I think it's hard for others to grasp that what I'm experiencing is just a brief period of melancholia—it's really not that big of a deal. My melancholia is my only constant. 

People should be allowed to not talk about their sadness, if they choose not to. Maybe it is a flaw in my system that i feel talking about my feelings is a sign of weakness and i find it incredibly repulsive. This thought truly only applies to me. i do not project it nor do i expect/want others to adhere to it. So, with this warped thinking, when I sense that he sees my mental breakdown and feels sorry for me, I absolutely despise it. It makes me hate myself because the one thing I cannot tolerate is anyone feeling pity for me.

Only i can pity myself. But my rules on self-pity are another story...

Don't feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. 

― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

At the moment, i feel this blog is my only escape because its only me and nobody else. i have a bunch of neg thoughts swirling around in my head like a fucking milkshake. And i don't do dairy!

i am fully aware that these ideologies of mine are probably going to come back to haunt me but i shall deal with it then. This is now. 

Maybe this rage and self-control power my work...you do need a lot controlled force to pierce through cartilage and skin to create something beautiful while causing the least amount of pain. 

Sayonara.