the curse of torment

Just when you start believing in a reason to exist, it disappears...

Just like that, you're back at the starting line, broken and just wanting desperately to dissipate.

Death and loss surrounds me. i lost a piece of my heart and nothing will ever be the same again.   

My ever-present melancholia has turned into something real... It's no longer a comfortable state of sadness and beautiful despair but painful helplessness. 

i'll just take a day at a time. 

Day-0

The torment of time differences... He was already gone in the morning but i spent my night crying alone when Mandem slept, woke up with puffy eyes and went to work. 

Music has been giving me all the strength to hold it together because i made a playlist of all the songs we used to listen together.

Day-1

Does anyone else feel a weird accumulation of various emotions in the center of your chest cavity? i imagine it as a big coral red ball that keeps growing bigger and bigger, then it cracks... painfully and you break.

i thank the universe for serendipitous happenstances today...such as my bus route being on diversion and the shitty rainy, gloomy weather. 

These seemingly innocuous incidents allowed me to let some tears roll down in the empty bus. 

Day-13

खो गया, गुम हो गया

वक़्त से चुराया था जो,

अपना बनाया था,

वो तेरा, वो मेरा,

वक़्त से चुराया था जो,

सपना सजाया था...

- Judaai, Rekha Bhardwaj

This song and these lyrics hit me hard. We did exist and love on borrowed time... We had come so close to death once. But we fought and now there's no fight left in me.

Day- 15

Sometimes I feel like I've accepted that my future does not include Jordan, but then there are days, like today, when that truth is simply unacceptable.

i have not spoken to anyone except Mum and Mandem, but i cannot really reveal these emotions without crying, so i don't. 

Mandem has been dealing with his own grief. He lost his father recently, it's a loss you never really get over. But sometimes, i envy his ability to cry freely and to ask for a hug. 

Day- 19

Where do souls go after death? i want so badly for him to know that i loved him. Like i never have and never will. 

Sitting here in the dark, with my thoughts, the full moon and nicotine, i can't help feeling that i have always behaved selfishly in loving Jordan. 

That scene plays on loop on my mind... When i left him in Doon for the first time after the accident that forever altered our life. He followed me as i was leaving and fell down a flight of stairs in his wheelchair. Mum told me to carry on and i did not look back because i was scared i would burst into tears. 

I left. Maybe i deserve this shooting pain in my chest. Maybe he shouldn't look back either. 

Day- 20

There are days where i forget about the gaping, permanent void in my life. Today is one of those days, reality keeps pulling me back (that coral ball in my chest) but i fight it and pretend everything's the same. 

He's living his best life in beautiful Doon, getting pampered by mum and dad. i am here, missing him terribly, counting days until i can see him again but happy because i get to live in a world where he exists. 

Maybe i can spend my entire life in this gorgeous delusion that was once my reality. Never leaving, never moving forward.

Day- 27

The delusion served me well for two days but the come down hits like running into a truck carrying bricks. The coral ball hard drops from in between my chest to my stomach and i wince from a physical pain. The urge to cry and drown the world is so intense, but i just cannot. 

Day-29

Truth be told...i have been grieving this moment long before it actually happened. In a way, that made me love him like it would be the last time I'd ever hold him, smell him and kiss him. i have no regrets but i do want more. i guess that greed makes me a human. i just want more time with him. 

And, i will grieve all my life... 

As i see it, i have two options. Either i spend my days pretending this never happened or just let the coral ball explode everyday in my chest. 

i truly don't think i can recover from this. i am scared that there'll be a day when his blanket won't smell like him anymore and i will forget for a brief moment how loved i was.

i don't want to look for that love elsewhere...i just never want to forget that love even in the depths of my despair. 

i was loved.

Sayonara

Shower thoughts of grotesque

My most recent shower-thought is that we, as humans, know so much about ourselves now that we ever did before. 

It's kinda cool because i think it allows us to carefully plan our life...but then of course, God laughs.

For instance, my period tracking app, Flo, tells me all about my symptoms in advance so that I can be mindful. Like today, I'll be able to work out harder but would have to be wary of "reward-seeking behaviour" in social settings. My astrologer tells me about my week, month and even year. This week I'm fated to be melancholic, unlucky and highly likely to fall into "bad company."

Speaking of bad company, i am actively trying to ghost a 'friend'. i have known her for over a decade but we were never really each other's inner circle, at least back home. So, i'm a little surprised when she started introducing me as her BFF in the new country. Friends and lovers are hardly perfect...you have to find the one whose imperfections align with yours.

In this case, her social-climbing and boy-crazy behaviour (recently-acquired) gives me major ick.

For long, i blamed the societal (and biological) pressure on women to find a mate as the reason behind her new persona. Now, after a deep discussion with Mandem, i am inclined to believe that that isn't entirely the case. She's always been like this, i just wasn't around much to witness it. Mandem said that he's noticed that I'm not cheerful or relaxed wherever i return from meeting her unlike my hang out sessions with my other girlfriends.

That's some astute observation since i didn't notice how i was feeling because i was busy suppressing my icks.

Oh well! Quality over quantity is a good deal any day. I'd rather have just two really good girlfriends than an Insta-aesthic girl gang. 

In any case, this friendship was bound to end, given our starkly opposite views on life.

i have never hidden the fact that i have nothing in common with people who choose to or aspire to procreate.

Just like my favourite poem mentioned in the previous post, they've chosen the path I would never want to walk.

It's neither good nor bad, it's just that this is my opinion. People should be allowed to have personal preferences if they aren't harming anyone. I simply have nothing in common with them after they volunteer to raise a child. Simply put, i don't want to be around that energy.

While my views on this issue has led me to alienate a lot of my friends and family, i truly believe it's for the greater happiness. Everyone should aspire to live what's best for them. 

Sayonara