Don't wake me up

Sometimes life is completely the opposite of what you expect or want it to be. The universe has a funny way of throwing you off-guard, when least expected. Go ahead make plans, paint the prettiest, rosiest future and chances are it will most likely be grey. 

i had made plans too, but then life happened. M went away as swiftly as he had come. And now, alone inside my head, i wonder if everyone is wearing disguises or masks to hide their true intentions or true feelings, pretending to forgive and forget but in reality they are just waiting for you to stumble so they can push you over the edge.
i always thought that M and i would stay together, in sickness or in health. i don't remember if he ever said it or maybe i imagined it. It is was that sort of thing that you assume will eventually happen. But sometimes, it doesn't.  

Maybe us being together is like the dead violet plant on my window sill. i keep it there cuz it belonged to my great grandmother and even if it will never bloom, it reminds me of home and that comforts me. 

i watch this video on a loop...for hours. It sends chills down my spine. It is from the SATC movie, when Big gets cold feet and leaves Carrie just before their wedding... and he says something that M used to say— i don't know. i cry every time i watch this. 


Bliss 
Dear smoky room 
Stardust in the eyes
Anything will rise
- Bliss, Vanessa Paradis

i have let go let M go. It was difficult but i did it...and i want to will stick with it. i finally realised that looking into his eyes and not finding my self there...was not okay. When i set him free...i died a little inside...but maybe, he will live now. 
i have no hopes anymore...i have truly set him free...i am not waiting for everything to become fine, cuz it never would have. There are two people in a relationship...and they go through everything that is bound to tear them apart but they come out through it all...stronger.            

Dearly beloved, if this love exists only in my dreams.
Don't wake me up...

Look into my eyes and you will see me,
Look into my heart and you will find you..
M used to say this to me...i wonder if they actually meant anything or are they just hollow words picked up from a Google search?
Maybe people just fall in and out of love, then why call it 'love' when it is so fickle. 'Love' should be something stronger, never ending kinda feeling— and not 'You destroyed my ego, so i will walk all over you and leave you helpless' kinda vengeance.

Then again...what do i know? i am just a stupid girl.

Sayonara

*___*

Tonight, we are young

i love sports. i love animals. i love kids. i want to save the world. So, how do i combine all those things? i don't know.
- Joan Jett

M is back and my world is brighter than sunshine, on the inside. Though, on the outside it may seem different. 
i am so happy that i even offered to do a story on a party hosted by people who seem to believe that the Mayan prophesy about 21 December, 2012 is not about the world coming to end BUT about transition to a better world.
i may end up going for one of their 'sweet spot parties.' You can RSVP too here.

Anyhoo, i had an amazing weekend cuz M came over and then it was just perfect...in the sense 'perfect' for an OCD patient like me. He just kept sleeping through the weekend, talk, eat and then go back to sleep again. All this gave me enough time to do my 'weekend chores' like shopping for more frozen food and washing. The added bonus was his cute sleepy look, "Hah!!! You went out without me..WHEN?" when i told him that i just returned from the super market.
 i also reunited with my high-school bestie, who now is the lead vocalist of a hot-shot band and has cut some albums too. She took me to my first mosh-pit in a tiny drinking place, albeit a tiny one compared to the REAL METAL HEAD mosh pits. But nevertheless, i was whining about sweaty, long haired, black band tee wearing guys stomping on my heels and the musty air in the room. Then we tipsily drove back halfway across the city, playing and screaming  singing Wiz Khalifa's Black and Yellow on loop. It was fun!

What is life without a walk of shame, now & then.

Cut to Day-2 and i was on my way to a home cooked dinner with another friend who just got married. i ended up staying over at her place and over eating too. The next day, i had to do the legendary walk of shame early morning (we are talking as early as 5am) and wearing my bright yellow maxi skirt didn't seem to be that great an idea. But the worse was travelling in the metro with all eyes on me.
But i just stare right back, it is a good mood phase of mine, i guess. One of my friend once told me that my 'good mood-swings' make her feel scared and then she made the most epic comment ever (that i will surely use in my future fashion film or novel) — "It seems like you are high on your own blood."

My new 2 simian line

Sayonara

*__*

Where did Jesus go?

All the quotes in this post are from Memoirs Of A Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin.

"What were you like," i asked her, "Were you happy? or were you smiling because they told you to?"

Nothing seems to be like before...and i cannot recall who i was before everything crashed down. Was i happy? or, am i happy now?
i don't know what to do, feel or think anymore. 
It is something...i cannot find an answer to and i get the feeling that if i could pinpoint the cause behind this madness inside my head, i might be able to make sense of everything. But i can't remember...what was it? Was there anything at all, in the first place?

It's like when you take a trip with some one you don't know very well. Sometimes, you can get close very quickly, but then after the trip is over, you realize all that was a false sort of closeness. An intimacy based on the trip more than the travellers. 

i meet people everyday, but no one makes an impact. Its like i am vapour and they pass right through me. Some of them genuinely try (or maybe they just seem to) to be my friend...but i don't think i need anyone anymore. i just want to be alone...i don't want to hear about how i am capable of so much more. What's the point of telling me that when i don't even believe it myself?
Last night, i pulled out all the emotional plugs and let it all out, i know it seems crazy and i am NOT suicidal but i went to the roof and walked on the edge with the clammy wind hitting my face, mascara stains on my face. God! what a rush. Every time i felt i was going to slip and fall, my heart leapt. You know, like i was suddenly alive. 

In my opinion wounds are like water set to boil — They heal best when left unwatched.

Mum called me up from another city, and when i heard her voice...i broke down. i told her how everything was going wrong, i told her about the 'friends' who i wished i'd never met, i told her that i feel so unwanted and i told her i wished i could just turn back time,  become that weird kid again, who roamed with her black dog in the chilly mountain rain. She told me to have faith in GOD. Its not that easy...i have lost faith in humanity, and God is...i don't know.

Dear God, i don't know if you read my blog or if  you have internet in heaven. But everyone says, you watch over me every second and i used to feel your presence and i used to talk to you too...but i can't feel you anymore. 
Are you still there with me? Do you still care about me, God? Are you mad at me too?
Please tell me what to do...i think i am running out of the will to live anymore. But i will hold on till you come back.
Now when i talk to you...i feel silly cuz i think you have more important things to worry about but sometimes i get very messed up and no one can comfort me. 
So, if you have time please come watch over me, i think i really need you.
Love you, God. i hope you love me too. Amen.


Sayonara

When i said 'I Do', i didn't mean the dishes

Cooking is like love. It should be entered with abandon or not at all.
- Harriet Von Horne


No time for outfit posts. Hell, i will be lucky if i could put together an outfit to wear to work. Its days like these that make you want to just do-your-thang in clothes you hope nobody would recognise you in. Fashion is far away from my mind. 
Early morning shift for the past week and i am  working this weekend. i am so getting some designer bags under my eyes soon *sob*sob*
During breaks, all i can do is drool over fantastical couture food and then when i am back home, i order some pork dimsums for dinner and then go to sleep. So boring, nein? 
Check out my fantasy couture food dreams

Louis Vuitton cupcakes (Source: here)

                   

Gucci French fries (Source: here)

Paul Smith ice-cream twirl and Burberry bagel (Source: here)

Ditta in her kitchen (Source: here)

Anyway last night after i found a hair in my dimsum (YUCK!), i decided to learn to feed myself. For good. Also, because i have been skipping my medication to be taken strictly after  meals, since they are so erratic and sometimes consist of just a beer and chips. 

So i donned my cat printed apron and the mission was to cook salted fried rice, with stir fried mushrooms and a slice of ham (they all taste yummy together. FTW). The only glitch was that this realisation dawned on me at 1am and only because i was inspired after  watching Nigella Lawson cook awesome stuff while looking awesomely buxom and speaking in that awesome Brit accent. It is amazing how she does it, you know, cook and look so good at the same time. And then there is my idol, Ditta Von Teese, so immaculately pretty all the time. Even while cooking (Her pink themed kitchen is so 'Totes amaze', you know what i mean).

*Sigh*  If i had such a pretty kitchen, imagine the 'couture goodies' i would happily make. And nothing smells better than the smell of a freshly baked cake, though Karl Lagerfeld would have you believe otherwise with his perfume that smells like books, not that that is a bad smell. Anyhoo, the mission was a semi-success because i added too much water to the rice and burnt the mushrooms. But feck it, it was yummy, anyway.

The cook that won't be kissed anytime soon.

Sayonara
*__*

Who will i be when i am with you again?

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will
If you don't eat yourself
You will explode instead...
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

Is there a time when you magically grow up?
Like when you don't feel the need to cry anymore...words, insults and betrayals just bounce off you and you just stand expressionless.
If there is, where is my titanium age?


Does it happen, like, you have controlled the throbbing pain in your chest or you wake up one day when living doesn't seem so bad... but then, you look up. Raindrops on the window or a dog licking your hand or a friendly smile, and you crumble. The verge of bursting into tears at the most inopportune moment, place and time does not cease. The worst part? The reason is always the same. There does not seem to be a way out of this misery.


i am sick of being sick and i am sick of this vicious circle of abuse, secrecy and... hugs. If this planet is God's sepulchre, i don't see how this misery is his will.
How can this be your will, the man in the clouds? 


Like a hurricane, you struck my life, destroyed my relationships, my self esteem, my confidence and i constantly felt anxious, depressed and sometimes abnormally insane, a psycho. 
This city is beautiful...


The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.
- Poppy Z Brite


Yet, the noise is so overwhelming that i seem to have forgotten what silence, other than mine, meant. i wait for the legendary 4am, for some torture and reflection, but cats fighting or an accident nearby or a couple falling out of love, the noise never ceases. 
So, i plug in my ear phones, and make my own Tomorrowland, where M exists in my life, where there is no endless wait for a phone call that might end my life, no nightmares and no memories of losing something... there is just nothing. And i think i am happy, then. 


Andy Warhol: I wonder if people are going to remember us? 
Edie Sedgwick: What, when we're dead? 
Andy Warhol: Yeah. 
Edie Sedgwick: Well I think people will talk about how you changed the world. 
Andy Warhol: I wonder what they'll say about you... in your obituary. I like that word. 
Edie Sedgwick: Nothing nice, I don't think. 
Andy Warhol: No no, come on. They'd say, "Edith Minturn Sedgwick: beautiful artist and actress... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and all around loon. 
Andy Warhol: ...Remembered for setting the world on fire... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... 
Andy Warhol: ...Made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. 
- Excerpt from Factory Girl (2006)


i love this song, its the theme song for my Tomorrowland. 

Sayonara 
*__*

Old young girl

Edward Scissorhands

You see, before he came down here, it never snowed. And afterwards it did. And if he weren't up there now...i don't think it would be snowing.
Sometimes you can still catch me dancing in it.
- Edward Scissorhands
   
Perks of the new job are the benefactor of this simian line running through my side shave patch. We were given some cash to go review a swanky spa, get a free haircut and a pedicure. Could this be my dream job?
As you can see, the simian line...me gusta. And the pedicure? i was coerced into getting my nails painted in another Barbie colour, more peach this time. Seriously, these spa guys should stop ganging up like this. 

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't, change the way you think about it. 
- Mary Engelbreit

My tiny room doesn't seem so bad. And the other girls are also surprisingly nice. My lack of culinary skills has shocked them, so they have cordially invited me to learn something by watching them cook. i am the official potato peeler now, FTW!
Anyway, the Akemi blog has been given a makeover. Now, the background is the ice dance by Edward and Kim, from my favourite Burton flick, Edward Scissorhands, and many other changes may follow.
Just growing with my blog, which is already a year older... and hopefully wiser. i watched this movie, when i was twelve and since then, i have seen it a million times. Never bored.
As i grow older, i am getting more closer to my childhood memories. A few days ago, i went into a massive crying spree because memories of my dead dog came rushing back and knocked me into an emotional coma.
It is strange...is it a sign?





Sayonara
*__*

Method in madness

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet  

These are sad days indeed, very very sad days.

So, Hedi Slimane killed the Yvves out of YSL and I killed my dream to have something screaming out the initials YSL (no, my knock off track pants from Bangkok with a VSL sprawled across the booty does not count). Somehow, SL doesn’t quite cut it, you know. YSL, much better, see?

And Betsey Johnson is filing for bankruptcy. She was is my dream designer, it was my life aim to own something from Betsey’s collection and now, it is all ending, the era is coming to an end. Ugh! Nemesis, I hate you.

On the good side, all the items from Betsey’s collections are being sold…in a clearance sale! I managed to snag me a pair of her ‘rare’ (that’s what it says) panda bear rhinestone earrings.

Betsey I gotta piece of you. RESPECT.

Okay cutting out the cheese in my mood. I am in the Capital again, this time for good.
Finding a house here is more difficult than finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. It is possible to find the needle eventually, after you throw or eat the hay, but the house, hah!

A barbie pedicure. And yes, i have ugly feet.

If it is not the sky rocketing prices or the fact that I am a GIRL (and therefore, requiring more love, care and protection (ka ching!), it is the crazy landlords. Mom and I actually ran from a knife wielding crazy lady, screaming from her terrace. Her face, I shall never forget. Those crazy eyes, just out of a Poe short story *shudder* 

God has given you one face, you make yourself another

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Anyway, so now I am shacking up with some girls I know I can never be friends with, though basic courtesy and manners might be possible. Anyhow, I foresee days of being cooped in my tiny room and escaping boredom by inane self-administered beauty treatments, though not as inane as Tom Cruise's bird shit facial mainly because it is to hot too go scrape bird poop from my window sill.

Sayonara

*__*