Say hello to reality

i know it has been oft said that you get to know your true friends when you are at your lowest. And before this week i
couldn't care less.

i opened my bandages and managed to fuck up my slowly healing wounds in the process. i just had to. And, after so much effort, i couldn't even take a bath. My flatmate had to come in an sponge me.
Nice of her...i say, but i feel mortified.

They say when you are falling down in life, you meet all the people you walked on while you were climbing up.
A friend of mine, who i haven't been really nice to....came over too. Despite having work the next day and being allergic to my cat. She saw my wounds and cried. When she hugged me, i felt like maybe, just maybe everything will be alright someday.

Its funny since all the people i thought i could turn to seemed to have disappeared like they never existed. i won't take names...but yea, its easy to say you love omeone when you are fucking them in their bed but true love is holding their hand when they are too sick to even get up from the same bed.

Update
As i was penning this entry...my landlord, his wife and an army of architects walked in. They want to stay in the house. And technically they are not wrong. Since, we had full plans to move to a new place till last night when we realised we hated all the houses that the broker has been showing us since April.

Homeless and wounded. Dad away in some godforsaken location for work and mum out of the country. i just wish there was someone...to pull me out of this depressive cesspool of my thoughts. Where do i go? Who do i turn to? Never felt so alone and helpless....

Doesn't it always keep raining gloom in my life?

g

Say my name or say whatever

i though the curse was broken...but i was wrong. Oh so wrong.

My life is not mine without a generous dose of drama. You know that feeling "This can't happen to me. It only happens to others." Well, the reverse is true in my case. If you know me or have me in your life, i am probably that person. The one likely to get abducted by aliens or immaculately conceive and give birth to the spawn of satan. Whatever.

Anyhoo, this time i managed to be a part of a purse snatching incident. Seems normal right? Two men on a bike, snatch an unsuspecting victim's purse and speed off. Wrong.

You forgot the victim was me- the harbinger of shit or simply, Queen of Shit Magnets. 

My attackers took my purse and dragged me along too. On the road. For 10 meters.

The result was bruises and wounds...not to mention, the usual low self esteem dipping extra low and trauma levels at an all time high.

BUT, Akemi feels horribly sorry for her attackers. 

Bad karma aside, my bag that they so painstakingly snatched had a wet towel (a smelly, old one), a freshly used swimming costume (ugly brown-green creation, bought on sale) and a baby lotion. 

Guess the joke is on them.

Sayonara

*_*

Mother of otherness, eat me.

i talk to god, but the sky is empty.
- Sylvia Plath 

Writing after a longish sabbatical. Much has changed. MUCH.
Right from my hairstyle to my life. And summer is here too. 
Currently i am PMSing so pardon me if the post turns out very depressive...though when was it ever otherwise in the Akemi world :/ 

Y  is out of my life. It was bittersweet but it had to be done. Sometimes you need to cut some ties to fly higher and frankly, i was not comfortable with being in a relationship when i am giving my 5% or even less and the other person is giving it their all.

Let's get a little bit honest here.
i am not a dreamer. At least not in my opinion...i don't wish for things that might not happen nor do i need to snort a line or two to actually enter some fluffy pink psychedelic world.
i think i am confused, at the very best. My question is very simple- why do people have this inherent need to complicate stuff?
Like, we were definitely not born to be megalomaniacs, attention whores or even bitter, cynical people. We all were born pink and gurgling, laughing or crying with basic needs- food, diaper changes and lots of love. i understand the need for sex, shoes or cars when you grow up, its just the toxic emotions i don't get.
i mean what is the need to claw each other down just to get ahead?
i guess i am just kinda agitated cuz of the brutal realistion that if Akemi does not fit a particular mold...there is no place for her despite her best efforts. And as a single working woman, away from home and everything she has ever loved, Akemi is an exploitable commodity. A hand to mouth existence, if you may. No place for dreams, no chance for them to be realised.
Just lost my two beloved dogs back home in the hills, they died within a week.

Wow after that outburst, i feel surprisingly great...i just have to stop letting the shark-in-command at work keep getting to me.

i miss this day...or night. At my best friend's (?) place, who is perhaps waiting for me to make an appearance at her engagement ceremony as we speak, in a city that is barely 5 hours away. But, i am not going. Financial issues aside, i really don't know why?
i feel bad. i want to go too. But, i just don't. 

Is there no way out of the mind?
- Sylvia Plath

i think M is getting to me again. He lured me into the sticky sweet honeycomb with the same old promises and though, i tried to protect myself but like previous times, i am caught in the web. Is it my penchant to self-destruct or the desperate human need to look for a soul to cling to? i knew the jealousy, distrust and his escapist tendencies would get better of the so called love he has for me. But then again, it was peaceful and fulfilling while it lasted, like most fleeting things are. 

i lean to you, numb as a fossil. Tell me i'm here.
- Sylvia Plath

However, i am wiser unlike last time i am not ready to freefall...when distrust reared his ugly head, i let him loose. Defended myself with honour, left with my eyes dry and my face straight. Maybe i am not worth his while. 

Sayonara 
    

  

Sour puss :(

Life is funny and at the moment idk whether to laugh or cry. Let's just say that as a cat-lady i am inclined to stick to the adage curiosity killed the cat.

i recently found out that M has been conversing with a school junior...about my private anatomy....*coughvajayjaycough* Let's just say, the creepy junior asked him and M just laughed, agreeing. Not that i expected him to punch a hole through that creep's face (though, that would have been really nice too) but a laugh signifies that you are okay with the topic...it is literally placing a WELCOME door mat for further such conversations.
i could have spared myself the horror. But no, curious as i am, i walked smack down into that pit, sucked that horrid conversation dry of all the humiliation and cried.

i have no clue what makes men behave this way. Why would you want to drive a bus over someone's really, really cherished boundaries? Just cuz they trusted you and let you in...
Anyhoo, i feel humiliated.  

And i have my reasons (as well as sources cuz i have journalist swag :P) to believe that this may not be the last of pussy talk...you know. Well..karma, i trust you.

forbidden colours

i feel humiliated. My cheeks are still stinging and red from the feeling of being so insulted.
The worst is that it is all my fault.

There is more than a week to go for the month to end and i am penniless, literally. i searched all my clothes and under the bed to find a few pennies just to buy some cancer sticks. While in that dingy kiosk, i dropped some of my pennies in the dark and adding to the misery, the shopkeeper miscounted my change, over charged me. The horrible man and the roadside romeos, sniggered as i searched the wet, muddy road for the money. In the end, i just left.

i am so mortified...with the episode and the realisation that i am a nicotine addict.

i have no clue, no recollection of how i reached this stage. And worse, i have no clue how to channel this anger and hatred i feel towards myself. My self-mutilation and substance abuse days are far, far behind me. And, after leaving them for real, i really don't want to wallow in that sort of darkness. No matter how tempted i am.

No matter how desperate the times, i really don't have it in me to ask for help. Maybe, i was brought up wrong...with a huge self-respect and ego thingamajig but no curbs on my reckless spending. That scene in the TV show Girls, where Lena Dunham lies to her mum about being financially fine, echoes the story of my life. i really don't know why i cannot tell her the truth...maybe i don't want her to feel like i failed her as a daughter...that i am still not mature enough to handle my own life.
To make matters worse, i have a horrible cold and can't stop sneezing :/ And i re-twisted my already banged up foot.
Things are so bad, the only consolation is that i am certain they can't get any worse.

My love wears forbidden colours
- Sylvian and Sakamato, Forbidden Colours

i have been having strange dreams, that make me quite uneasy. Something is quite amiss but I cannot put my finger on it. i don't know why i have this feeling that i have to make sense of them, like i feel they are trying to tell me something but i really don't understand.

You can set sail to the West, if you want to
And pass the horizon, till i can't even see you
Far from here where the beaches are wide 
Just leave me you wake to remember you by
- Gregory and the Hawk, Boats and Bird


Sayonara

Life has the coldest colour?

Now that the M chapter is finally closed and the book sealed, hidden in the dusty archives of my mind, i shall not waste any more airtime on my blog talking about him. Unless of course, the heart wants what it wants.
So i murder love in the night
Watching them fall one by one, they fight
Do you think you'll love me too?
- Lana Del Rey, Serial Killer

i am surprised at my cold-bloodedness, the way i sliced his attempted comeback with the precision of a psychotic serial killer. Oh and with a song on my lips. When the drama has gone on for 7 years, why should i skimp on the closing act?
Literally. Whatever hate mails he texted, i replied with a song. So i am not one to kiss n tell but let's say Katy Perry's- Ur so gay, Lily Allen's- Fuck you and the likes are pretty fitting replies.

Okay, back to the real world. i have off from work till the New Years. So, i have been using the time to catch up on some me time. i watched this amazing movie, Blue is the warmest colour, a lesbian romance. It was so beautiful, i was hoping for a happy ending, like always. But then, i realised that life gives no happy endings, so why should a realistic movie be any different? Nevertheless, it was beautiful. And i also found a different version of one of my favourite songs. Check it out

the nightmares and the hate

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down
- Smile Empty Soul, 'With this knife'

Today i want to talk to no one about how you can be surrounded by thousands of people and yet have no one to talk to. Its not like my friends and family don't love me, it is how you can miraculously find words to converse with a complete stranger and yet...can't utter a single sentence to the person sharing your bed.
i am awfully jealous of people who know where they want to go and what they want to do rather than being pushed, pulled, going with the flow. Hell, i can't even tell anyone which ice cream flavour i like or if i like ice cream at all? i can go for years believing i hate ice cream and decide one winter that i was wrong along.

i knew i loved you, before i met you
i think i dreamed you into life
- Savage Garden
Y is trying to make me feel better by sending me cheesy songs from the nineties. i feel bad for him, he doesn't have to bear with my volatile behaviour, my sudden need to push him away and the violent temper. What makes it worse is the feeling that i get in the pit of my stomach while i am misbehaving- he doesn't have to bear all this, then why? And for how long....

i don't ever want to find out, though. i feel indebted and the what if question haunts me. After M, i felt like a hole had been punched through me. i was so lifeless and empty, it makes me so scared to even think about those days. i don't wish that even for my worst enemies.

It makes me think that it's so unfair that i am left behind, still recovering from that suckerpunch while everyone else has already got up, dusted themselves and got on with life.
i don't think i am fixed completely. And maybe i will never be. So, should i continue ruining somebody else's life or release them...
But what do i know...i am just the girl with mixed feelings about ice creams and everything else.

Sayonara
-.-