forbidden colours

i feel humiliated. My cheeks are still stinging and red from the feeling of being so insulted.
The worst is that it is all my fault.

There is more than a week to go for the month to end and i am penniless, literally. i searched all my clothes and under the bed to find a few pennies just to buy some cancer sticks. While in that dingy kiosk, i dropped some of my pennies in the dark and adding to the misery, the shopkeeper miscounted my change, over charged me. The horrible man and the roadside romeos, sniggered as i searched the wet, muddy road for the money. In the end, i just left.

i am so mortified...with the episode and the realisation that i am a nicotine addict.

i have no clue, no recollection of how i reached this stage. And worse, i have no clue how to channel this anger and hatred i feel towards myself. My self-mutilation and substance abuse days are far, far behind me. And, after leaving them for real, i really don't want to wallow in that sort of darkness. No matter how tempted i am.

No matter how desperate the times, i really don't have it in me to ask for help. Maybe, i was brought up wrong...with a huge self-respect and ego thingamajig but no curbs on my reckless spending. That scene in the TV show Girls, where Lena Dunham lies to her mum about being financially fine, echoes the story of my life. i really don't know why i cannot tell her the truth...maybe i don't want her to feel like i failed her as a daughter...that i am still not mature enough to handle my own life.
To make matters worse, i have a horrible cold and can't stop sneezing :/ And i re-twisted my already banged up foot.
Things are so bad, the only consolation is that i am certain they can't get any worse.

My love wears forbidden colours
- Sylvian and Sakamato, Forbidden Colours

i have been having strange dreams, that make me quite uneasy. Something is quite amiss but I cannot put my finger on it. i don't know why i have this feeling that i have to make sense of them, like i feel they are trying to tell me something but i really don't understand.

You can set sail to the West, if you want to
And pass the horizon, till i can't even see you
Far from here where the beaches are wide 
Just leave me you wake to remember you by
- Gregory and the Hawk, Boats and Bird


Sayonara