fine

I am fine now with waking up every morning or post-midnight/witching hour and not finding you staring at me.

I am fine with not having to give you breakfast, cleaning your food bowls, while you mewed and sat on my feet, and emptying your litter box and then rushing to work, late.

I am fine with not arguing with the butcher for the best pieces of meat and returning home every evening to make porridge for you.

I am fine with having no one to share my dinner with, like the way i had to even when you had already had yours.

I am fine with finishing packs and packs of cigarettes while sitting in the dark alone, without you giving me company.

I am fine with nobody following me into the washroom and waiting till I was finished, and expecting to be petted if I took too long.

I am fine with not having to cancel all my social engagements and not speaking to friends who didn't like you, just so both of us could snuggle or stare at each other forever.

I am fine with not having to wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of things crashing, you just playing.

I am fine with not having to give in to your begging for post-midnight/early-morning treats.

I am fine with not seeing you passed out in my wardrobe or having my clothes covered in your fur or smelling funny or just freshly pooped on by you.

I am fine with not having you around to hiss at people you (we) both disliked and me pretending to agree with them how badly brought up you were.

But sometimes when i remember how truly happy you made me, the memories punch a hole through my chest and i crumple, defenseless and so very alone...without you.
Then, i am not fine at all...I never will be again.

Cuz no matter how hard I try, nothing replaces you.

Sayonara