Life of borrowed moments

Repeating words until they're true
It slows the breathing
Pretend they never came from you
It kills the feeling


i have been very ill for quite sometime now. Today's visit to the doctor required me to dilate my eyes and all that jazz.

i have never felt so miserable and self piteous in my life like i did then- sitting in the white sterilized and medicine smelling room, my eyes stinging and my sick body aching in various places.

Tearfully i asked my mom, "Mom, am i dying?"

The Answer- "If dying was so easy, i would have died long ago because of your mischief."

That is the most profound thought on death, i have heard so far. And i also came across this "Death Clock" app which can tell you when you are going to die. Try it it here.

In my defence for the weird question- I felt that the Rudyard Kipling prophecy about the Himalayas might just come true. I really believe in the whole returning to the Himalayas to die thing.

Anyway, lying down in my room, I can see the mountains…I am happy to be here but the loneliness never leaves. Sometimes it is hard to tell if I am alive or dead. 

I cannot let go of my demons either…they make me feel good. Maybe that is how I ended up here. It is too late to do anything about it anyway; I am in it for life or what is left of it. 

And this song keeps playing in my head...it is beautiful. 

Every time the wind blows
I know you will always be a part of me
even if Im born again I know you always be a part of me


Sayonara

Not all those who wander are lost

The reward for conformity was that everyone liked you except yourself. 
- Rita Mae Brown


And i have already spent too many years hating myself...


I had a job interview again... yeah i am still jobless.

There were like a million other applicants, all armed with horribly good work experiences and a glib mouth. Yours truly, just spoke when spoken too and KNEW what she spoke. Is it so bad to want to be truly noticed and wanted for your creativity, NOT how you hard sell yourself.
It is just so hard to be an advertiser, when i am the sale product- a human with an active imagination, dreams, strengths and faults too?

I am not eccentric.  It's just that I am more alive than most people.  I am an unpopular electric eel set in a pond of goldfish.  
-Dame Edith Sitwell


Sometimes its not about the approval or disapproval, it is more. About seeing through a charade of boring ideas, stagnant mind and conformist 'norm ed' creativity. Anyway, there will be a place for the ideas in my head too...someplace.

A doll doing what dolls don't generally do.

Sayonara

Sapphire Blue

"Deadly little Miho. She won't let you feel a thing unless she wants you to. She twists the blade. He feels it."

i am off to the Himalayas again, this time- Nainital. Some work and also...a change of heart. It is very surprising how things change and i keep seeing M's ghost. M's not dead...he is just supposed to be dead to me and i killed him. So, i am on the run.

Dead little Akemi has twisted the blade too deep and too many times. She is tired of repenting but the city lights cannot soothe her. The only thing left is to let the blackness take over her completely. It is better to be worst rather than try to redeem yourself, alone. So dead little Akemi is tempted to use her blade on herself, like before.


Never enjoy hurting the one who loves you
they can bear the pain you give but you won't be able to bear if they stop loving you 
I came across a fellow blogger here. It is profound.

                                           

All scars ARE beautiful, because a scar means you survived. I have always thought as scars to be beautiful, they express the raw sorrow, guilt and hate. 

How can the world reduce a girl to such heights of self loathing that she is driven to scar herself, driven to think that crimson anger would wash away the crimson guilt and the crimson hate. And the crimson sorrow trickles every day, unnoticed. The nights pass by the slowest, darkness is a poor companion to melancholia. 

Happiness seems so transitory and the sadness lingers on and on. People say that sadness just seems to last longer. But i know for sure there is no escaping this melancholia. Happiness sure provides a pleasant interlude.


On a night like this everybody's looking for some stranger. - Shellie, "The Sin City"

Sayonara

Call me a doll and then play with me

When someone calls you a doll, are you supposed to smile and say thank you or take offense?

And weirdly, i get to hear this frequently.

Doll is a model for a human figure. Mind you, not a real human. 

Hi Miss Alice
In your glass eye
What sort of dream are you seeing?

Dolls are so comforting when you are lonely, i remember my childhood's endless nights which were spent crying and complaining to my doll about the unfair world. Then there were the evil dolls, a' la Chucky. Believe me, i know of a little boy who looks exactly like Chucky. Creepy...

Along the line, its easy to become as lifeless and unemotional as a doll, existing but never intruding. Distorted and twisted by whoever and in whichever way you please. 

Fill your mouth with sawdust, sew buttons in your eye sockets and no ears. That is the way the world functions.

Doll me up in my bad luck

Akihbara dress...Dollesque much?

Rag Doll livin' in a movie.

Sayonara

I watch my momma cry, she says Baby why?

I say baby died, baby's gone like suicide.

Been listening to Hollywood Undead again. I love them, their song lyrics sound so real, unlike many of my other favourite bands. Just like life is being played on a record with a haunting background score and aggressive rapping.

We all got friends but we stand alone, and your on your own from a broken home,
you keep the truth inside and it stays unknown. Nostalgia hit and its time to quit,
and everybody acts like it don't mean shit.

HU: Hollywood Undead

Fortissimo!

Lovesongs in my head, killed us.

Do you have time to listen to me whine?
- Green Day, the band.

Death is easy...and peaceful, life is harder.
Especially with betrayals galore...it seems that people want to use eachother for some particular thing. Yea?
I imagine us as robots, mechanically functioning in a heavily coded world, programmed to destroy any trace of humanity, any trace of pure emotion.
If this is a world of robots, i am a cyborg...at the very most.

This isn’t about winning a game, its about fixing what’s broken.
- Bob Harper

Not break someone that is already broken....

Sayonara.