Life has the coldest colour?

Now that the M chapter is finally closed and the book sealed, hidden in the dusty archives of my mind, i shall not waste any more airtime on my blog talking about him. Unless of course, the heart wants what it wants.
So i murder love in the night
Watching them fall one by one, they fight
Do you think you'll love me too?
- Lana Del Rey, Serial Killer

i am surprised at my cold-bloodedness, the way i sliced his attempted comeback with the precision of a psychotic serial killer. Oh and with a song on my lips. When the drama has gone on for 7 years, why should i skimp on the closing act?
Literally. Whatever hate mails he texted, i replied with a song. So i am not one to kiss n tell but let's say Katy Perry's- Ur so gay, Lily Allen's- Fuck you and the likes are pretty fitting replies.

Okay, back to the real world. i have off from work till the New Years. So, i have been using the time to catch up on some me time. i watched this amazing movie, Blue is the warmest colour, a lesbian romance. It was so beautiful, i was hoping for a happy ending, like always. But then, i realised that life gives no happy endings, so why should a realistic movie be any different? Nevertheless, it was beautiful. And i also found a different version of one of my favourite songs. Check it out

the nightmares and the hate

i let myself fall into a lie
i let my walls come down
i let myself smile and feel alive
i let my walls come down
- Smile Empty Soul, 'With this knife'

Today i want to talk to no one about how you can be surrounded by thousands of people and yet have no one to talk to. Its not like my friends and family don't love me, it is how you can miraculously find words to converse with a complete stranger and yet...can't utter a single sentence to the person sharing your bed.
i am awfully jealous of people who know where they want to go and what they want to do rather than being pushed, pulled, going with the flow. Hell, i can't even tell anyone which ice cream flavour i like or if i like ice cream at all? i can go for years believing i hate ice cream and decide one winter that i was wrong along.

i knew i loved you, before i met you
i think i dreamed you into life
- Savage Garden
Y is trying to make me feel better by sending me cheesy songs from the nineties. i feel bad for him, he doesn't have to bear with my volatile behaviour, my sudden need to push him away and the violent temper. What makes it worse is the feeling that i get in the pit of my stomach while i am misbehaving- he doesn't have to bear all this, then why? And for how long....

i don't ever want to find out, though. i feel indebted and the what if question haunts me. After M, i felt like a hole had been punched through me. i was so lifeless and empty, it makes me so scared to even think about those days. i don't wish that even for my worst enemies.

It makes me think that it's so unfair that i am left behind, still recovering from that suckerpunch while everyone else has already got up, dusted themselves and got on with life.
i don't think i am fixed completely. And maybe i will never be. So, should i continue ruining somebody else's life or release them...
But what do i know...i am just the girl with mixed feelings about ice creams and everything else.

Sayonara
-.- 

For better or bitter?

i am back there again.
The same old dark place. i know everything is so transitory but when you repeat the same mistake, it is a sign to take stock of your life and what exactly do you want from it.

The less i knew, the less i needed and the more i was content.

M texted me. The usual shit about how he doesn't 'believe me' and the many mean things he always says coated with self-pity and irony. His usual style, as i have come to realise. If i was like before, one thing would have lead to another and i would have rented out my heart to him for another short lease, wherein he would trash the abode and walk away without paying the rent. Well, i am sorry for expressing my emotions in real estate terminology courtesy my nomadic lifestyle, but wth, you get the drift.
Anyhoo, this time was different and i guess, M wasn't ready for my verbal volley so he ended up resorting to the insult popular with many insecure schoolboys in their 20s, 40s, 50s and more. 'FAT' is the name of this game.

Relationships are like fat people. Most of them don't work out. 
- unknown

Okay. So i am FAT now. Maybe it is cuz i am not on an emotional roller coaster anymore. Or maybe cuz i finally notice when my stomach rumbles rather than pining away for a phone call that may never come. OR maybe cuz i met a man who really loves me (for now).
And though it is not always smooth sailing, i trust him. And of course, the on-demand-back massages, tummy rubs and his cute surprises are a bonus :P
So my fatness is contentment. Happiness. Peace. 
And i will lose it someday. But he may never lose his bitterness.

Sayonara
*_*

Click-clack away

Its funny how many people come and go in your life. And yet, they all leave something behind.
i still remember that guy who pulled me in when i was hanging to the door for my dear life on a fast moving, over crowded DTC bus. That was almost 4 years ago. i didn't know him..nor do i know him now. But i remember his act of kindness to this day and i still call him my messiah. Then, there are people with whom you share bittersweet/awkward memories that you don't know quite how to feel about.
Like Y does a really cute thing for me sometimes. Just cuz i like to unwind after work with my cigarettes and music, he calls me up, plays music (my music...read: trashy hip hop or emo screamo) and we just sit in silence...its nice. As in, was...since my monthly monster managed to make things awkward. 
Ughhh! i asked him to play Tonight by FM Static, which is my emo song for my dead dog, Dingo. Ughh^infinity, halfway through the song i started tearing up and by the time it finished, i was bawling like a bald, toothless baby. Y really didn't know what just hit him and though he was all gentlemanly about it, i still sincerely wish for the earth to split wide open and swallow me  -.-

Mero aankhama hardin badal chairahyo 
Binti cha kasaile aandhi layideu
- Deep Shrestha, 'Mero aankhama'

M used to sing this song for me. i still listen to it sometimes... but i don't know him now. i just know and remember the thing that he left behind with me. Not clothes or souvenirs, just the memory of something i felt so long ago.
But not all leaving behind is of the good kinds, you know. Sometimes i think back of one of the many BBFs (Backstabbing Best Friends) in my life, the horrors of being violated and also the people who pushed me into my suicidal phase.
i wonder why they did what they did and how do they feel now. Do they even think about me or if i was just another inviting Welcome-Walk-All over-me doormat for them?

Bring your love baby, i could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby, i could bring my pain
- The Weeknd, 'Wicked Games'

Do we really have control over what we leave behind? Or does it depend on the disposition of the other person? i can choose to keep bad memories of the piercing pain in my heart, the tears and the nights i lay awake, alone and thinking about suicide OR i can remember the laughs i shared, the good vibes and the happy memories. 
Like, i am sure my first few flat mates and the first few boyfriends have nothing good to remember me by, or if they even remember me at all :/
Note to self: Leave behind goodness.

A never-worn dress that i cannot show love to anymore. So, it's FOR SALE.
Lemme know, if any takers *__*

Sayonara
*_*

Wordy sucker punch

Forget this life, come with me 
Don't look back, you're safe now
- Evanescence, 'Anywhere'

It's 4am again and insomnia has set in again. If my absence from bloggersphere was missed, gomenasai to my loyal 22 followers. i have been playing...a game called life. 
Ok whatever. But true it is, the perk this week of working with sharks was that we got a free tarot card reading. The card woman said i am 'uncommunicative' hmmf

We're leaving here tonight
There's no need to tell anyone
They'd only hold us down
- Evanescence, Anywhere

i had no reason to believe her until yesterday night when i went out with Y. Something silly happened and i did not speak. Its not like i did not have anything to say...there was a flood of emotions and i could not organise my thoughts. Its suffocating, i felt so cornered...and the questions kept coming, felt like words, sentences were slapping and punching me in the face. Reminded me of a time that seems a million light years away. But that was real, atleast these are just words.
Anyhoo, on introspection, the card lady was right about a lot of other things too. idk if it is a spiritual pact to say mean things to shock people into cleaning up their act or something, but the card lady gave me the impression that everything i say or do is doomed :/ And, when today i spilled tea on the power socket and narrowly escaped shot circuiting the workplace, i am forced to think it may be true. 

i recently set fire to couple of other things too. But, this was a good fire. All the diaries with naive stuff about M, the day i lost my mind and the dried flowers, notes and 4 year old packet of weed that M gave me (i was saving it for a special occasion, guess there were none) had a happy funeral. It feels nice to let go, all the funeral drama makes it so real. 
Or maybe it was a bad idea...especially torching the packet of pot. Maybe i should add 'possible arsonist' to my list of mental disorders-Akemi-is likely to-suffer from (or already does). 

You don't remember me
But, i remember you 
i lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream
And dream, i do
-Evanescence, Taking over me

Its almost 5am and i have to wake up in 3 hours, put on a mask and go to workplace. i have a sinking feeling i will be late, not that the sharks will notice when the tiny guppy fish floats in, but it is a bad thing if they are in a mood to feed on someone's happiness and self-esteem.

Akemi hates it...but there is no way out. Like sensei had said long ago- dying without making a mark is a tragedy, not a loss. Come to think of it, i haven't seen sensei in the longest time. Oh darn, i really have to sleep now or lie in bed till it is unbearable. 

Sayonara
-.-

awake

i have been having weird dreams off late.  
And i feel weird. Maybe because i go on google and search for an interpretation. Its surprising but there are a lot of interpretations about a lot of dreams. And as weird as it sounds...i actually believe these dream signs.

My love is like footsteps in the snow, baby
i follow you everywhere you go, baby
The palest light has come to wake you 
But you will never realise
That i inspire the dreams that guide you baby
- Oceanlab, Satellite

Your dream may seem random at first but you just have to find that one thing or situation that stood out the most. Like i dreamt about Y and one of his friend doing laundry (!) in an old house with a huge football field sized garden. What stood out was that there were strangers running on the field, kicking a giant turtle instead of football. Then the football/turtle dies and i am burying it while crying. And a tall man with a turtle head (who was also crying) reached out to comfort me. 
Anyhoo this is the interpretation i related with the most...cuz this fantasy of mine happened when i was moving out of my old house and had no clue on how to go about it and the sharks at work were being especially chompy. 

i think it is true...

And then followed spot on interpretations about my dreams about having a hollow tooth, smashing lizards on the wall with my bare hands and...and M. 

i passed it off as a nightmare. 

Sayonara
*__*

Why

Buzzed again.

 Found a gem of a song on a friend's Facebook wall. My day is complete...just the way an awesome song perfects the day. 


So, the fashion week has ended. The usual feeling of what-do-i-do-now has crept in. i think i just like being in motion all the time, you get less time to think and go to the 'dark side'. i was thinking of starting a sister blog for this one (not brother, cuz sisterhood is cuter and they can exchange clothes). Something for the more amiable side of me, i mean it seems churlish to know all the fashion-behind-the scenes-goss and not share it *doki doki* 

But again, i am not sure...just like everything else in my life. 
My new flat mates are AWESOME. i mean, after staying away from home, shacking up with random strangers along the way for the past 4 years, i seem to have struck gold as far as flatmates go. 
So my birthday happened too somewhere in between the madness.
(This crap below was written somwhere in between the between the madness.)  

Winehousing 

i don't feel like having a celebration. i don't understand that when you grow up, the onus of having a birthday bash falls on your own shoulders :/ i miss the mommy-organised birthday parties. And now, mommy is far away and probably thinks i'm cool with the "SPACE" she gives me.

If there is a memo listing these Weird Adult Birthday Behaviours, i haven't got one. 

Anyhoo, i went on a SPLURGE. Literally. i have been showering myself with gifts and love (meh! read booze). A swanky new room with a purple wall (yes, i have shifted house yet again), a weird carpet for the swanky room and a maid to wash my clothes. *SIGH* even my presents to myself are so middle-aged. 
i feel as old as the hills and i don't feel like partying. And the HATT (Happy All The Time) feeling that i associated with hitting mid twenties is a LIE. 

The perfect song for the day...

Sayonara
*__*

Piege

i feel you, anyway
In every tear that i may shed
In every word i've never said...
-Schiller, 'i feel you'

Words are so unimportant...so hollow. Sometimes i feel this and i think i am the weirdest girl i know. i just can't grasp the fact that people don't know that talk is so cheap...and even if they are aware of this, why is everyone still talking?

And anyone would say that they feel the same
When you love someone like i loved you
i don't understand the way we are today 

It is that time of the night again...4am. i had a strange dream again and then i couldn't sleep. It has been happening a lot lately...and i cannot seem to interpret them. i hate don't like it. i don't understand this hour. Its sometimes my best friend and sometimes my worst enemy. 

Sometimes all the happiness seems so wrong, so hollow sometimes. i think of the sad times and they seem so real, the pain is so intense that i feel it was just yesterday. i don't think anybody starts off in life with sadness on their minds, they just slowly arrive at a sorrow station. Some catch the next train out while some never get out. 
i like to think that Akemi catches a train out of the sorrow station but comes back to spend some time at the place that was her home a while ago.



i think i miss some part of me that i lost long ago, but i just can't remember what...
i am tired of pretending, but all i remember is the humiliation


Sayonara :'(

Honourable sleaze

The bridal fashion week madness is over. And trust me when i say this was by far the maddest. 
And i don't mean, 'ooh such pretty designs. i'm going cray cray' or 'ooh i can't decide which show to skip. i wanna watch them ALL' sorta madness.

It was more like a loud, disorganised mess of rich, sleazy uncles and plastic aunties who hadn't realised that style cannot be bought with monies. So, apart from the fact that, i had to stand for at least two shows, physically restrain myself from blasting the designs and get my bum fondled by a middle-aged uncle, the show was sorta okayish experience cuz i met some really awesome people and learnt a lotta new things. Like a girl's wardrobe should have a section dedicated to bad fashion shindigs such as these so that you don't end up 'wasting' your good outfits and that the big shark in my office seems determined to ostracize yours truly...
But what the hell...


Sayonara

Trying to lift a rock with a bottle on your head

The truth hurts
And the lie's worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
- James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado, 'Broken Strings'

Everyone wants to talk and be intellectual...get somewhere. 
And i just want to live peacefully. No money, Akemi is happy. No man, Akemi is happy.
Or maybe not...
i feel strangely independent after what seems to be an eternity. i am aware i am being pushed and pulled into this pseudo-normal life that Y leads. And i have managed to evade it so far...but i am not sure for how long... 

The new love keeps me occupied...i don't have time to indulge in melancholy, but then euphoria was never my true friend. i miss the sadness sometimes. 

M is a ghost, i don't think about him or whatever he does or may choose to do. Its like thoughts of him are like the mist in the mountains, they just wet my face and go, but i remain the same. He called me, once and then again. i don't feel anything, not even a hint of once i felt nor any regrets or longing...just nothing like the mist, the vapour.
Maybe cuz i am finally learning to love myself, rather than be told how imperfect i am. Y criticises me too...but his words are like he will help me become a better person. i feel weird, after being pushed in a corner and abused in the name of love, i am not sure if this is real. 

A cloud hangs over,
And mutes my happiness
A thousand ships couldn't sail me back from distress,
Wish you were here, 
i'm a wounded satellite
i need you now, put me back together
Make it right
- Anna Molly, Incubus

But sometimes, i retrace my steps... i try to think about why i held on to it for so long? i know its pointless but still...i am scared to think about Y and what the future holds, instead. Before, there was despair and that was sort of comforting. Like i knew myself and it seemed...right.
The happiness makes me feel like i am flying and suddenly i can't anymore...like there is nothing to break my fall into free space.

Hawa sangai udi aauchau, choyera janchau feri

Now that the heart has changed, the life does too. 
i plan to move out of my old apartment. Changed my friends too...more like found out who is real and who is not. It took just drinks and drugs spree to get in my senses. Btw, that spree also cost me my hair. i chopped off my locks and didn't quite regret it either. Then.
i don't now either but i know now, that i won't be doing that again. Like so many other things. i quite like this phase, it gives me a sort of clarity about life. Even though i'm starting the new life with a list of don'ts. 

Timro yaad mai, jeudeo maryo

Sayonara
*__*

Yes or No?

12 am. i am watching a Thai movie Yes or No (2010). 

And i love it. i am no stranger to filling the gaping hole left by lack of romance in my life with mushy Asian movies. You see, when you live your life in installments, not knowing when you may be raped and killed or fucked and dumped, it is comforting to believe in a Mr Right who doesn't (and will never) exist.

Okay no more sadness! Only love in different packages, shapes and sizes. Thanks to Yes or No, Akemi thinks that a soul mate can be a Miss Right too, nein? 

Come to think of it, another Thai movie, Iron Ladies (2000) is also my favourite.

The only similarity other than that they are Thai, is that that both the movies deal with alternative sexuality in a very tasteful and delicate manner. 

Its like you're screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be this important...that without them you feel like nothing.

No one will ever understand how much it hurts. 

You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you

- Rihanna, We found love

i am off to watch the sequel Yes or No 2 (2012).

2 hours later...

Okay, the sequel has Kim (MY LOVE <3) behaving a like most of the guys do...falling in and out of love with Pie. And i thought loving a girl would save my heart from more bruises, point is: nothing will. 

*__*

Love looks not with the eyes

i think i have contracted a deadly zombie disease...i feel so dead. 
My eyes are open but my mind is so dead. i just want to lock myself in a room and just be. There is so much shit and i just don't know how to unravel this madness. 
i am feeling pushed from all sides and there is no outlet. Akemi is getting punched, pulled and stretched from all sides and has no where to go. i am so tired of changing colours to make others happy and faking smiles, i feel like slut who is selling her soul for some more time on earth.

They tell me life is beautiful
They think i have it all
i have nothing without you
All my dreams and all the lights mean
nothing without you

The irony is that i don't really want to stay on anymore.

And this is just a trailer. The life promises to get more shittier and my insomnia has given me the same ultimatum. 
There is something about 4 am...like i have said before...something. 3 am is so not the devil's hour, but fast forward an hour later and all the vermin inside me start crawling out. Ugh...okay it's not so creepy but yea i feel crazy and paranoid at that hour. There is sort of timeliness to my madness.
After a hiatus of a year and a half, i am on the familiar road of self destruction again and i feel complete.
i am giving and giving but it never seems enough for anything to be fine, for anybody... least of all for me.

If I am for others, then who is for me? And if I am for myself, then what am I  for?
- Ruslana Koshunova (RIP, i understand what pushed you.)

i wonder if they can see how they are sucking life out of me. i am no longer happy to work, to eat or to breathe. i wonder if this is all it is...if this is what i aced my classes for? To just blend in with the chair and the air and then my ideas, myself and all my feelings just evaporate. 

i think i am ready to give up. 

But not before she owns this. Love you, McQueen. RIP

Update: A gang rapist committed suicide. i don't want to run into him in the corridor to hell. Giving up delayed. 

Sayonara
-_-

Dissolved girl

It's THAT time of the year again...
People around me are getting expensive holidays, FB statuses and photo dedications, jewellery blah blah. i, for one, don't feel so out of place except that before i used to hope that M would finally do something special this year around. He never did.
M wasn't the sweep-you-off-your-feet gestures kinda guy...or maybe we were always out of money and just managing to travel long distances to meet each other usually overrode the need to get a token of love. 

Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight
To love you, love you, love you ... 

- Massive Attack, Angel

i had goosebumps for weeks every time i listened this song, cuz M had dedicated it to me. Chills down my spine...that a diamond ring would have never given me....

But then, it's all motherfucking bullshit.

My plans? i want to wallow in this epic movie of all times Factory Girl. And then read this book i was just given by a colleague. It has an awesome cover.
Check it out. 

So true nein? 

Anyway, my mum is in deep shit. It is kinda funny in a way...but i guess it seems funny only to me and mum. Dad, doesn't know about it or to put in mildly has been told a very sanitised version of the magnanimity of the shit mum is in. So, though we are not really bothered, it still lurks in the back of our heads. Okay, also today is a big festival for us hill folks. So, i am dressed in yellow traditional garb and eating lotsa sweet things cuz i cannot eat meat today and oh! i am in a self-imposed rehab. So yea, life is still the same old shit magnet with or without M. 

Seems like he is having loadsa fun post fucking-up my life. Well... 

Anyhoo, i am very touched looking at the responses to my previous post. Kamsamida guys... i leave you with images of the Factory Girl, the story of my life right now and one of the most beautiful movies ever filmed. 

  

This one is dedicated to M

And this is what M would say...

Sayonara

*__*

Fuerza

i learnt something...but to write about that i need to rewind to the earlier part of the day.

As a writer, i am ecstatic whenever i get some response from the readers. But since that happens so rarely...what happened when i reached my office caught me unaware.
i got a hate mail from our MOST AVID reader, a fanatic who clearly has his religious and moral beliefs not in the right place. Well so ideally my day should have been bad and self esteem murdered?
WRONG

The sameday, i interviewed a very important lady who even complimented me as a journalist, met the starcast of an upcoming movie and yea...ate something nice.
After a long time...i feel alive. My confidence hasn't exactly been soaring after what T did and then M too and i couldn't protect myself, once again.
Many a night has passed since then... and ii questioned if my purpose in life was to pine away, waiting for God to punish them...

i still dont have an answer but i see a glimmer of strength within me...maybe Akemi will survive?

Little girls

i sing the National Anthem
while i'm standing over your body,
hold you like a python
- Lana Del Rey, National Anthem

It is that time of the year again...its D's birthday.
26th January is actually supposed to be my country's Republic Day but for me it is special cuz of an entirely different reason.  D came into my life this day and yea...changed me for better or worse...but he made the change, that's what counts. He was with me when i entered this world, but i lost him when i found my teens. And suddenly, at thirteen i  learnt  that  sometimes people may never return once they leave...no matter how hard you try.

And there's no remedy for your memory
 your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head
your soul is haunting me and telling me 
that everything is  fine
But i wish i was dead 
- Lana Del Rey, Dark Paradise

i thought i would do something special in his memory or go into spasmodic crying fits when D died but i didn't. i was peaceful and calm though  my thoughts were ripping my heart into pieces.
On the hindsight, i should have done something...anything and then maybe, i would be so calm today about how he left this world. 
But i didn't
So yea, in a nutshell, i am still a mess even though it has been 10 years since that cold morning when i stopped believing in the man in the clouds. But this year is different... i intend to stop...Stop feeling the need to whistle out to him or nuzzle in his soft neck and soak his fur with my hot tears while he just stands still and then we would go for a walk in the chilly mountain rain. 
But i don't know how

i don't expect anyone to understand how much i miss D everyday...Akemi be crazy, but her love is pure.

Sayonara