Honourable sleaze

The bridal fashion week madness is over. And trust me when i say this was by far the maddest. 
And i don't mean, 'ooh such pretty designs. i'm going cray cray' or 'ooh i can't decide which show to skip. i wanna watch them ALL' sorta madness.

It was more like a loud, disorganised mess of rich, sleazy uncles and plastic aunties who hadn't realised that style cannot be bought with monies. So, apart from the fact that, i had to stand for at least two shows, physically restrain myself from blasting the designs and get my bum fondled by a middle-aged uncle, the show was sorta okayish experience cuz i met some really awesome people and learnt a lotta new things. Like a girl's wardrobe should have a section dedicated to bad fashion shindigs such as these so that you don't end up 'wasting' your good outfits and that the big shark in my office seems determined to ostracize yours truly...
But what the hell...


Sayonara

Trying to lift a rock with a bottle on your head

The truth hurts
And the lie's worse
I can't like it anymore
And I love you a little less than before
- James Morrison ft Nelly Furtado, 'Broken Strings'

Everyone wants to talk and be intellectual...get somewhere. 
And i just want to live peacefully. No money, Akemi is happy. No man, Akemi is happy.
Or maybe not...
i feel strangely independent after what seems to be an eternity. i am aware i am being pushed and pulled into this pseudo-normal life that Y leads. And i have managed to evade it so far...but i am not sure for how long... 

The new love keeps me occupied...i don't have time to indulge in melancholy, but then euphoria was never my true friend. i miss the sadness sometimes. 

M is a ghost, i don't think about him or whatever he does or may choose to do. Its like thoughts of him are like the mist in the mountains, they just wet my face and go, but i remain the same. He called me, once and then again. i don't feel anything, not even a hint of once i felt nor any regrets or longing...just nothing like the mist, the vapour.
Maybe cuz i am finally learning to love myself, rather than be told how imperfect i am. Y criticises me too...but his words are like he will help me become a better person. i feel weird, after being pushed in a corner and abused in the name of love, i am not sure if this is real. 

A cloud hangs over,
And mutes my happiness
A thousand ships couldn't sail me back from distress,
Wish you were here, 
i'm a wounded satellite
i need you now, put me back together
Make it right
- Anna Molly, Incubus

But sometimes, i retrace my steps... i try to think about why i held on to it for so long? i know its pointless but still...i am scared to think about Y and what the future holds, instead. Before, there was despair and that was sort of comforting. Like i knew myself and it seemed...right.
The happiness makes me feel like i am flying and suddenly i can't anymore...like there is nothing to break my fall into free space.

Hawa sangai udi aauchau, choyera janchau feri

Now that the heart has changed, the life does too. 
i plan to move out of my old apartment. Changed my friends too...more like found out who is real and who is not. It took just drinks and drugs spree to get in my senses. Btw, that spree also cost me my hair. i chopped off my locks and didn't quite regret it either. Then.
i don't now either but i know now, that i won't be doing that again. Like so many other things. i quite like this phase, it gives me a sort of clarity about life. Even though i'm starting the new life with a list of don'ts. 

Timro yaad mai, jeudeo maryo

Sayonara
*__*

Yes or No?

12 am. i am watching a Thai movie Yes or No (2010). 

And i love it. i am no stranger to filling the gaping hole left by lack of romance in my life with mushy Asian movies. You see, when you live your life in installments, not knowing when you may be raped and killed or fucked and dumped, it is comforting to believe in a Mr Right who doesn't (and will never) exist.

Okay no more sadness! Only love in different packages, shapes and sizes. Thanks to Yes or No, Akemi thinks that a soul mate can be a Miss Right too, nein? 

Come to think of it, another Thai movie, Iron Ladies (2000) is also my favourite.

The only similarity other than that they are Thai, is that that both the movies deal with alternative sexuality in a very tasteful and delicate manner. 

Its like you're screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be this important...that without them you feel like nothing.

No one will ever understand how much it hurts. 

You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you

- Rihanna, We found love

i am off to watch the sequel Yes or No 2 (2012).

2 hours later...

Okay, the sequel has Kim (MY LOVE <3) behaving a like most of the guys do...falling in and out of love with Pie. And i thought loving a girl would save my heart from more bruises, point is: nothing will. 

*__*

Love looks not with the eyes

i think i have contracted a deadly zombie disease...i feel so dead. 
My eyes are open but my mind is so dead. i just want to lock myself in a room and just be. There is so much shit and i just don't know how to unravel this madness. 
i am feeling pushed from all sides and there is no outlet. Akemi is getting punched, pulled and stretched from all sides and has no where to go. i am so tired of changing colours to make others happy and faking smiles, i feel like slut who is selling her soul for some more time on earth.

They tell me life is beautiful
They think i have it all
i have nothing without you
All my dreams and all the lights mean
nothing without you

The irony is that i don't really want to stay on anymore.

And this is just a trailer. The life promises to get more shittier and my insomnia has given me the same ultimatum. 
There is something about 4 am...like i have said before...something. 3 am is so not the devil's hour, but fast forward an hour later and all the vermin inside me start crawling out. Ugh...okay it's not so creepy but yea i feel crazy and paranoid at that hour. There is sort of timeliness to my madness.
After a hiatus of a year and a half, i am on the familiar road of self destruction again and i feel complete.
i am giving and giving but it never seems enough for anything to be fine, for anybody... least of all for me.

If I am for others, then who is for me? And if I am for myself, then what am I  for?
- Ruslana Koshunova (RIP, i understand what pushed you.)

i wonder if they can see how they are sucking life out of me. i am no longer happy to work, to eat or to breathe. i wonder if this is all it is...if this is what i aced my classes for? To just blend in with the chair and the air and then my ideas, myself and all my feelings just evaporate. 

i think i am ready to give up. 

But not before she owns this. Love you, McQueen. RIP

Update: A gang rapist committed suicide. i don't want to run into him in the corridor to hell. Giving up delayed. 

Sayonara
-_-

Dissolved girl

It's THAT time of the year again...
People around me are getting expensive holidays, FB statuses and photo dedications, jewellery blah blah. i, for one, don't feel so out of place except that before i used to hope that M would finally do something special this year around. He never did.
M wasn't the sweep-you-off-your-feet gestures kinda guy...or maybe we were always out of money and just managing to travel long distances to meet each other usually overrode the need to get a token of love. 

Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight
To love you, love you, love you ... 

- Massive Attack, Angel

i had goosebumps for weeks every time i listened this song, cuz M had dedicated it to me. Chills down my spine...that a diamond ring would have never given me....

But then, it's all motherfucking bullshit.

My plans? i want to wallow in this epic movie of all times Factory Girl. And then read this book i was just given by a colleague. It has an awesome cover.
Check it out. 

So true nein? 

Anyway, my mum is in deep shit. It is kinda funny in a way...but i guess it seems funny only to me and mum. Dad, doesn't know about it or to put in mildly has been told a very sanitised version of the magnanimity of the shit mum is in. So, though we are not really bothered, it still lurks in the back of our heads. Okay, also today is a big festival for us hill folks. So, i am dressed in yellow traditional garb and eating lotsa sweet things cuz i cannot eat meat today and oh! i am in a self-imposed rehab. So yea, life is still the same old shit magnet with or without M. 

Seems like he is having loadsa fun post fucking-up my life. Well... 

Anyhoo, i am very touched looking at the responses to my previous post. Kamsamida guys... i leave you with images of the Factory Girl, the story of my life right now and one of the most beautiful movies ever filmed. 

  

This one is dedicated to M

And this is what M would say...

Sayonara

*__*

Fuerza

i learnt something...but to write about that i need to rewind to the earlier part of the day.

As a writer, i am ecstatic whenever i get some response from the readers. But since that happens so rarely...what happened when i reached my office caught me unaware.
i got a hate mail from our MOST AVID reader, a fanatic who clearly has his religious and moral beliefs not in the right place. Well so ideally my day should have been bad and self esteem murdered?
WRONG

The sameday, i interviewed a very important lady who even complimented me as a journalist, met the starcast of an upcoming movie and yea...ate something nice.
After a long time...i feel alive. My confidence hasn't exactly been soaring after what T did and then M too and i couldn't protect myself, once again.
Many a night has passed since then... and ii questioned if my purpose in life was to pine away, waiting for God to punish them...

i still dont have an answer but i see a glimmer of strength within me...maybe Akemi will survive?

Little girls

i sing the National Anthem
while i'm standing over your body,
hold you like a python
- Lana Del Rey, National Anthem

It is that time of the year again...its D's birthday.
26th January is actually supposed to be my country's Republic Day but for me it is special cuz of an entirely different reason.  D came into my life this day and yea...changed me for better or worse...but he made the change, that's what counts. He was with me when i entered this world, but i lost him when i found my teens. And suddenly, at thirteen i  learnt  that  sometimes people may never return once they leave...no matter how hard you try.

And there's no remedy for your memory
 your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head
your soul is haunting me and telling me 
that everything is  fine
But i wish i was dead 
- Lana Del Rey, Dark Paradise

i thought i would do something special in his memory or go into spasmodic crying fits when D died but i didn't. i was peaceful and calm though  my thoughts were ripping my heart into pieces.
On the hindsight, i should have done something...anything and then maybe, i would be so calm today about how he left this world. 
But i didn't
So yea, in a nutshell, i am still a mess even though it has been 10 years since that cold morning when i stopped believing in the man in the clouds. But this year is different... i intend to stop...Stop feeling the need to whistle out to him or nuzzle in his soft neck and soak his fur with my hot tears while he just stands still and then we would go for a walk in the chilly mountain rain. 
But i don't know how

i don't expect anyone to understand how much i miss D everyday...Akemi be crazy, but her love is pure.

Sayonara