Gathering gloom

Now everybody says it was best for you,
but deep inside your heart cannot decide if it's true

Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.

- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

For the past two weeks i have been poorer, more jobless and feeling shittier than a church rat. 

Caffeine, nicotine, the latest copy of Vogue and SATC reruns on the telly are a good companion when you have less than 95 cents to last you a week. And for the record, adoring my lace shirts that burnt a hole in (literally charred) my finances, surprisingly, soothes away the stomach rumblings.  

Anyway, i am in the NYC of India. And somehow, despite my happiness of finally having 'arrived', i have been sitting holed in my cosy hotel room or staring at
the sky from my Raounzelesque balcony at 3am while the world around me finds new loves, new sadness and new shoes. 

Let's face it. i am afraid. i am very very afraid to go out and then find a lorry of memories hitting me right in the face. Or worse what if my new memories aren't as good as the ones with M?

Ghosts of happy memories, sad breakups and many, many unfinished businesses are all waiting to bang right into me. Delhi is haunted for me. Yet, it is exactly this reason why i choose to be here and sometimes wait for that bittersweet nostalgia to sneak up to me, surprise me, reduce me to tears.

Trying to pick up the pace

Trying to make it so that i never see your face again

Trying to throw this away 

Want to make sure you never waste my time again

- Norah Jones 'Happy Pills'

The wall pattern in my hotel

Time flies by really fast and now it’s time for me to leave for the sleepy town, which i had dreaded for almost 10 months and will continue for some more time till i am back in the Capital again...to dodge the lorries of memories waiting to run me over.

Maybe everything happens for the best...

"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
— Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar) 

Maybe i have too much time to think about myself…the world outside is difficult enough.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 

Stuck in reverse...
- Coldplay 'Fix you'

The balcony door to my Rapunzel-like tower

Today is my last day in the Capital and i cannot wait to go back to my apartment in the sleepy city, though i am pretty sure once i am there i would want to be somewhere else.
Anyway, i was asked to check out of my company hotel abruptly without any prior warning. And it did not help that they lodged me in another one, the two-hour-long wait was very introspective. i felt like such a minion, like a tiny lost guppy fish in a sea of fancy electric eels and deadly sharks. Maybe its not that big a deal, but yea...the feeling is something i can do without.

Update- i was told i am not good enough for the job in the Capital by the Big shark, turns out the other big sharks are not too keen on me either. i guess, i am naive...

Feeling worse because of those words which are said to cheer you up for obviously being 'not-good-enough.' Well, the gloom keeps piling on.
Maybe i am just a tightly screwed bottle of gloom. Wish you would be nicer to me, Life.

Little bit of feel good

Mommy and i went thrift shopping, it was fun and i snagged awesome vintage deals.

But i still feel...

i feel fat, ugly and a loser.




Sayonara

It has been raining heat here. Literally.

i feel like a polar bear walking in the Sahara, on top of that there is this silly strike going on by the food traders. And as would have been expected of me, i had absolutely zilch eatables at home and all, i mean ALL, the restaurants, kiosks, everything were shut.
i used to think i was borderline anorexic or bulimic. 
Realisation: i am healthy fat girl, though clueless about cuisines, can eat food without throwing up. And, i LOVE cheese!

The strike is very reminiscent of the strikes in Nepal that my cousins talk about. Anyway, i decided that since i couldn't eat, i might as well shop and i ended up ordering a Sailor Moon skirt, a Sailor-like tee and a multi-coloured satchel. 
To top it off, i had recurrent nightmares of someone eating something really sinful very slowly like a pasta dripping with cheese or pork sausages dripping in their own lard with a bowl of sliced strawberries and cream, while i am trapped in a glass cage clawing like a rabid dog.

Ah! those three days were sheer agony. And i celebrated their end by deflowering my virgin kitchen. i bought a cutesy tiny cooking pan, 3 gothic-looking ladles (totally unnecessary, knowing i will probably cook and eat with the same spoon) and a giant pack of chicken cocktail sausages, some pre-cooked pasta and lots of butter.
i cooked and ate. i cooked and ate. Without stopping. Even for a minute.

Turn back time: Tribute to Aqua

Sometimes the feeling is right 
You fall in love for the first time
Heartbeat, and kisses so sweet
Summertime love in the moonlight
-Aqua


Did you ever listen to Aqua when your were young? i recently heard 'Dr Jones' and 'Turn Back Time' in a shady coffee shop and was transported into the era of recorded cassettes. *Sigh* the nostalgia. Where are those feelings anymore?
i maxed out my credit card again, have a million deadlines and some sort of flu too. But, when i came back home and listened to Aqua, i just felt like putting on mom's lipstick and playing dress up again. No worries in the world!
i had no clue how naughty their lyrics were. And i guess, now i truly get their songs. Though my  music preferences have drastically changed, but a childhood without Aqua...i cannot even imagine.


Prince, oh prince, are you really sincere?
That you, one day, are gonna disappear?


i ended going to McDonald's to continue feeling the bittersweet nostalgia. Though, i did not order my childhood favourite- the Happy Meal bag. That would be taking things too far, i guess!

'Happy Meal bag' and a creepy red-haired man = Happy memories 

Aqua reunited and took out a new album too. i really like 'Playmate To Jesus', literally had an 'awwww' feeling looking at them. They seem to have grown up with me *__* 

Sayonara
*__*

Love is so short, forgetting so long

i think many people may have known this from before. But i certainly didn't.
Isn't it that when you lose the most precious thing in your life, everything else doesn't hold that much value anymore?
Well i had this thought, when i was swaying in the chilly wind, standing on the roof of my house. M  has gone and has taken my dreams with him. There is a vacuum, which i am stuffing with everything but it never goes away.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul
-Pablo Neruda

My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but, i will go on living.

So then comes the second stage of reckless endangerment. i have scheduled a super-fast bike ride for myself at night, have been suffocating my lungs, over-working my liver and muddying my self respect.
Is it strange that when i attempt to cross that thin line between life and death, then i see the thing that is most
precious to me? Cuz i do.
Ah! but i don't really feel anything. That is what reckless endangerment is all about. If you come out alive from this seemingly long phase, then maybe there is life beyond that.
What i really want to know is that...when nothing is the same as before, am i also changing?

It was my destiny to love and say goodbye

Sayonara
*__*

Sweet cotton candy kiss of transcendental bliss

After a long time...and mostly at M's suggestion, i have started to reclaim my social life. Turns out, this sleepy town is not so bad after all. Well it certainly helps to have a good gang and some old love in my life
(<3 M).

Anyhow, yours truly won a stylepile contest last month. Definitely good for the ego. Well, everything is more or less, going the way it has to, so i can concentrate on my ahemm... creative pursuits. 
Currently in the process of opening an online fashion store. Scouting for wares and the usual bribery. 


So the fashion birdies have been chirping about tangerine being the colour for spring/summer 2012. i agree, i have always loved my psychedelic colours. 
A burst of colour in any outfit is always a good thing, if you are not sure, incorporate the colour of your favourite jelly beans into your outfits. i do that and it works for me. 
Also, colour blocking works best only if YOU are confident of the look, otherwise it is an epic fail. Play safe this summer and wear a colour burst only with a muted outfit, to make it stand out. 
i just thrifted an amazing ink-blue mullet skirt. Hoping to find an opportunity to wear it soon. 
Below is my favourite colour for this season. There is something candy like about this shirt cum dress i thrifted. 


Happy summers!

i accidently ended up wearing my metal cuff as a hair accessory and i guess,
it does'nt look that bad nein? 

Sayonara
*__*

No light, no light

"I must get my soul back from you; I am killing my flesh without it."
- Sylvia Plath


Life stops and then it starts again. But the pace is never the same.
Everyone around me is unhappy...others just don't realise it yet, but they are. Happiness just seems to be very fleeting. In a strange city, in a strange mood, i am a stranger. Aren't we all a little strange?

Lay back in my own dream
Playback on a big screen 
You and me together 
Why give up a love found 
Wish that I could write down 
What you mean to me
-Oceanlab

Valentine meal: Strawberries with sweet milk and sausages that M cooked.

Time stopped then. i live from one moment to another. And i feel just one moment in the entire 24 hours. The one when i am home alone at night, smoking a cigarette in the pitch black room with only the thin string of tiny lights hanging on my wall.

Strange's definition: alienated

Saudade, Sehnsucht, Ennui and Soledad

Words in different languages, but they all mean one thing: haunted by loneliness, longing and nostalgia.  Ever since M has disaappeared, i search for him everywhere. A glimpse, a passing thought  and a random forgotten memory is all that carry me through the day. It feels so hollow to sit and fake smiles. Is there even any reason to smile?

Akemi in cosmic love- A conceptual art by me

Been listening to a lot of Indie music nowadays. Flo and her crew have been pretty much blaring in my ears every single minute. This one is my favourite..

Sayonara 

*___*

Nightmare

Everybody's got to dream, young girl. If you don't, ya go.
-Dr. King, 'Nightmare on elm street'

Calvin & Hobbes: Life's disappointments are
harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

Grass is always greener when dry .

Whiskey and cigarette stub lily: Drown in a cold vat of
whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Flower clip & cigarette stub lilly on my friend's hair: I perhaps
 owe having become a painter to flowers

Office clown/ Party starter: Beer is proof that God loves us
 and wants us to be happy.

  

My morning-after blues and the chipped
tooth that holds so many memories.

Sayonara

*__*