Love looks not with the eyes

i think i have contracted a deadly zombie disease...i feel so dead. 
My eyes are open but my mind is so dead. i just want to lock myself in a room and just be. There is so much shit and i just don't know how to unravel this madness. 
i am feeling pushed from all sides and there is no outlet. Akemi is getting punched, pulled and stretched from all sides and has no where to go. i am so tired of changing colours to make others happy and faking smiles, i feel like slut who is selling her soul for some more time on earth.

They tell me life is beautiful
They think i have it all
i have nothing without you
All my dreams and all the lights mean
nothing without you

The irony is that i don't really want to stay on anymore.

And this is just a trailer. The life promises to get more shittier and my insomnia has given me the same ultimatum. 
There is something about 4 am...like i have said before...something. 3 am is so not the devil's hour, but fast forward an hour later and all the vermin inside me start crawling out. Ugh...okay it's not so creepy but yea i feel crazy and paranoid at that hour. There is sort of timeliness to my madness.
After a hiatus of a year and a half, i am on the familiar road of self destruction again and i feel complete.
i am giving and giving but it never seems enough for anything to be fine, for anybody... least of all for me.

If I am for others, then who is for me? And if I am for myself, then what am I  for?
- Ruslana Koshunova (RIP, i understand what pushed you.)

i wonder if they can see how they are sucking life out of me. i am no longer happy to work, to eat or to breathe. i wonder if this is all it is...if this is what i aced my classes for? To just blend in with the chair and the air and then my ideas, myself and all my feelings just evaporate. 

i think i am ready to give up. 

But not before she owns this. Love you, McQueen. RIP

Update: A gang rapist committed suicide. i don't want to run into him in the corridor to hell. Giving up delayed. 

Sayonara
-_-

Dissolved girl

It's THAT time of the year again...
People around me are getting expensive holidays, FB statuses and photo dedications, jewellery blah blah. i, for one, don't feel so out of place except that before i used to hope that M would finally do something special this year around. He never did.
M wasn't the sweep-you-off-your-feet gestures kinda guy...or maybe we were always out of money and just managing to travel long distances to meet each other usually overrode the need to get a token of love. 

Her eyes
She's on the dark side
Neutralize
Every man in sight
To love you, love you, love you ... 

- Massive Attack, Angel

i had goosebumps for weeks every time i listened this song, cuz M had dedicated it to me. Chills down my spine...that a diamond ring would have never given me....

But then, it's all motherfucking bullshit.

My plans? i want to wallow in this epic movie of all times Factory Girl. And then read this book i was just given by a colleague. It has an awesome cover.
Check it out. 

So true nein? 

Anyway, my mum is in deep shit. It is kinda funny in a way...but i guess it seems funny only to me and mum. Dad, doesn't know about it or to put in mildly has been told a very sanitised version of the magnanimity of the shit mum is in. So, though we are not really bothered, it still lurks in the back of our heads. Okay, also today is a big festival for us hill folks. So, i am dressed in yellow traditional garb and eating lotsa sweet things cuz i cannot eat meat today and oh! i am in a self-imposed rehab. So yea, life is still the same old shit magnet with or without M. 

Seems like he is having loadsa fun post fucking-up my life. Well... 

Anyhoo, i am very touched looking at the responses to my previous post. Kamsamida guys... i leave you with images of the Factory Girl, the story of my life right now and one of the most beautiful movies ever filmed. 

  

This one is dedicated to M

And this is what M would say...

Sayonara

*__*

Fuerza

i learnt something...but to write about that i need to rewind to the earlier part of the day.

As a writer, i am ecstatic whenever i get some response from the readers. But since that happens so rarely...what happened when i reached my office caught me unaware.
i got a hate mail from our MOST AVID reader, a fanatic who clearly has his religious and moral beliefs not in the right place. Well so ideally my day should have been bad and self esteem murdered?
WRONG

The sameday, i interviewed a very important lady who even complimented me as a journalist, met the starcast of an upcoming movie and yea...ate something nice.
After a long time...i feel alive. My confidence hasn't exactly been soaring after what T did and then M too and i couldn't protect myself, once again.
Many a night has passed since then... and ii questioned if my purpose in life was to pine away, waiting for God to punish them...

i still dont have an answer but i see a glimmer of strength within me...maybe Akemi will survive?

Little girls

i sing the National Anthem
while i'm standing over your body,
hold you like a python
- Lana Del Rey, National Anthem

It is that time of the year again...its D's birthday.
26th January is actually supposed to be my country's Republic Day but for me it is special cuz of an entirely different reason.  D came into my life this day and yea...changed me for better or worse...but he made the change, that's what counts. He was with me when i entered this world, but i lost him when i found my teens. And suddenly, at thirteen i  learnt  that  sometimes people may never return once they leave...no matter how hard you try.

And there's no remedy for your memory
 your face is like a melody, it won't leave my head
your soul is haunting me and telling me 
that everything is  fine
But i wish i was dead 
- Lana Del Rey, Dark Paradise

i thought i would do something special in his memory or go into spasmodic crying fits when D died but i didn't. i was peaceful and calm though  my thoughts were ripping my heart into pieces.
On the hindsight, i should have done something...anything and then maybe, i would be so calm today about how he left this world. 
But i didn't
So yea, in a nutshell, i am still a mess even though it has been 10 years since that cold morning when i stopped believing in the man in the clouds. But this year is different... i intend to stop...Stop feeling the need to whistle out to him or nuzzle in his soft neck and soak his fur with my hot tears while he just stands still and then we would go for a walk in the chilly mountain rain. 
But i don't know how

i don't expect anyone to understand how much i miss D everyday...Akemi be crazy, but her love is pure.

Sayonara

Put me in a movie

"What's the point of taking your life if you do not realise your potential."
- Sensei

i met my mentor aka Sensei (as he will be referred to here) and this is what he said...among other things which don't really matter much. It makes sense you know, going before making a mark will just be a tragedy not a loss. As i write this someone is talking about 'winter depression'...i love winters, i am not depressed then, just introspective. 
  A random thought in my mind: There are so many jobs that everyone would have made fun of before but now....maybe i am born way ahead of my time. 

Christmas promises to be another obligation to fake happiness. Oh and some more development in the unnecessarily dramatic life of a shit magnet. Ran into a Ex-BEST FRIEND aka one of my real life Jenny (Duh! Don't you guys watch Gossip Girl). 'Jenny' ran so fast when she spotted me (she left skid marks) while i was just figuring out if it's her or not, cuz you see i am blind as a bat and too cool to wear glasses. Fancy that, cuz as i far as i remember it was 'Jenny' and her posse who bullied and outcasted me (spiteful comments and rumours included). Not that that i am very eager to get my back stabbed and gouged again or maybe she thought i would attack her or something. Sorry to deny you some violent action but Karma is what i believe in cuz the revenge gene is sorely lacking in my DNA.

i need the blessing of some holy. 

i think it is time to honour the dead. i miss you so much every single second... So i plan to get a tattoo to have you with me forever you know cuz i may lose my mind and my memories someday. It will happen soon (if you have internet in heaven, i hope you read this or maybe ask God to tell you cuz i just realised you can't read.)

Well, i didn't know it would come to this
But that's what happens when you are on your own
And you're alright letting nice things go
- Lana Del Rey, Pawn Shop Blues

Sayonara

*__*

Say hi to no answers

A crossed out line in her suicide note read:
He is much better off without me... I wouldn't make a good wife for anybody 

Have you heard of the 'beautiful suicide'? Well the above picture was named so in the Life magazine in 1947...it is a photo of Evelyn Mchale who jumped to die from the Empire State building, landed on a limousine and was clicked by Robert Wiles. She was still clutching her pearl necklace in her gloved hand.
It is supposed to be gruesome and morbid...but maybe its not. Maybe dying is violent...but death is peace? There is a difference between the two. Go figure... 
Evelyn was described by her fiance as being happy and he had seen her off cheerfully before she made her way to the building. So what snapped....?

The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

i am scribbling furiously on my blog cuz i am getting this overwhelming urge to cry and AKEMI MUSTN'T CRY...atleast not right now...
i am not sure if i cannot handle the work pressure or is it the PMS or maybe just because everything is fucked up. Not just me...but everyone around me too and i just can't do anything to take away their pain. 
But is the helplessness enough to just take the plunge? 

For the longest time the picture above was just a part of my fashion scrapbook: the starry dress, fishnets and my insatiable love for bangs. Then a year back, i found out the model was Daul Kim, who killed herself when she was twenty. Some websites say that she didn't commit suicide and her highly influential (and abusive) boyfriend is to blame. But, three years after her death, i still think about her...trying to figure her out in my head. She is such a mystery to me...and if i had a chance to know her...we would surely have been friends.
Daul kept a blog (iliketoforkmyself), felt 'naked' without her bangs, missed home and yea, felt like a 'stripper' sometimes. Her last post was— Say hi to forever. You can check out her blog here. 

"When the witch wanted to come in, she stood down below and called out: Rapunzel Rapunzel, let down your hair for me. When she heard the witch's voice, she undid her braids and fastened them to the window latch. They fell to the ground twenty ells down, and the witch climbed up on them.
- Brother Grimm, 'Rapunzel'

Source: here

After reading about Daul, i came across model Ruslana Korshunova's suicide or murder. Known as the 'Russian Rapunzel,' she jumped to death (or rather leapt as many have pointed out that it would have been impossible to just jump from her balcony) from her NYC apartment. One of her blog entry reads: If i am for others, then who is for me? And if I am for myself, then what am I for?

The language of love letters is the same as suicide notes

- Courtney Love

You can argue back and forth that these women had what is "supposed" to make us happy— Evelyn Mchale was to marry her fiance (happy, by default), Daul Kim seemed poised to become South Korea's answer to a supermodel and had walked the ramp for designers Alexander McQueen (who also committed suicide the same year) and Ruslana Korshunova was touted as 'the face to be excited about' by the British Vogue and was walking ramps for Kenzo, Jill Stuart and others, then why?

The more people expect me to be happy the sadder i get.

RIP

May you find the peace wherever you are, finally.

Sayonara

*__*

The past and the chase

He holds me in his big arms 
Drunk and i am seeing stars 
This is all i think of
- Lana Del Ray, Video games

i have been AWOL from all the things i knew...and getting closer to the roots. i don't know if it is helping...but i am alright. Here at home, sitting on the ancient Compaq 7540, typing on the keyboard that makes every click sound like an atom bomb going off in the dark, its easier to slip into a peaceful coma, when life and its beauty make sense. 
The air has a wintry nip and i love it. Returning home after almost two years, the dogs seem fine and the grandparents too, though everyone seems to be dusted with white powder on their hair and a stray wrinkles here or there. Seems i fell into an age defying blackhole and when i emerged, everyone else seems to have aged. Or maybe even i have, i just don't see it yet.

Doomed from the start, we met with a goodbye kiss
- Lana Del Rey, Goodbye Kiss

i adore this song by Lana, it sings true of M and me. i know i was supposed to get over him, and i think i have, but the old photographs on this computer are kinda making it hard. i think its more difficult realising what a different person  i was before...and worse, do i want to become that person again? Getting M back is no guarantee that things would go back to being the same. There are already too many irreversible happenings that i just cannot deal with- Mopsy is dead, my favourite plum tree is dead and the mountains seem to be dying too. So where or what do i go back to?
And, even M cannot, will not and shall not help me cope with these seemingly little things that hurt me a great deal. Things seem hopeless for a miracle, which is not possible cuz i have lost my faith.  


Turning slowly, looking back,
See no words can save this...
You're broken and i'm pissed
Run along like i'm supposed to, 
Be the man i ought to

Everyone seems to be setting a mold for me, which i must pour myself into...as for now, i shall comply.

Sayonara