Who will i be when i am with you again?

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will
If you don't eat yourself
You will explode instead...
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

Is there a time when you magically grow up?
Like when you don't feel the need to cry anymore...words, insults and betrayals just bounce off you and you just stand expressionless.
If there is, where is my titanium age?


Does it happen, like, you have controlled the throbbing pain in your chest or you wake up one day when living doesn't seem so bad... but then, you look up. Raindrops on the window or a dog licking your hand or a friendly smile, and you crumble. The verge of bursting into tears at the most inopportune moment, place and time does not cease. The worst part? The reason is always the same. There does not seem to be a way out of this misery.


i am sick of being sick and i am sick of this vicious circle of abuse, secrecy and... hugs. If this planet is God's sepulchre, i don't see how this misery is his will.
How can this be your will, the man in the clouds? 


Like a hurricane, you struck my life, destroyed my relationships, my self esteem, my confidence and i constantly felt anxious, depressed and sometimes abnormally insane, a psycho. 
This city is beautiful...


The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.
- Poppy Z Brite


Yet, the noise is so overwhelming that i seem to have forgotten what silence, other than mine, meant. i wait for the legendary 4am, for some torture and reflection, but cats fighting or an accident nearby or a couple falling out of love, the noise never ceases. 
So, i plug in my ear phones, and make my own Tomorrowland, where M exists in my life, where there is no endless wait for a phone call that might end my life, no nightmares and no memories of losing something... there is just nothing. And i think i am happy, then. 


Andy Warhol: I wonder if people are going to remember us? 
Edie Sedgwick: What, when we're dead? 
Andy Warhol: Yeah. 
Edie Sedgwick: Well I think people will talk about how you changed the world. 
Andy Warhol: I wonder what they'll say about you... in your obituary. I like that word. 
Edie Sedgwick: Nothing nice, I don't think. 
Andy Warhol: No no, come on. They'd say, "Edith Minturn Sedgwick: beautiful artist and actress... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and all around loon. 
Andy Warhol: ...Remembered for setting the world on fire... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... 
Andy Warhol: ...Made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. 
- Excerpt from Factory Girl (2006)


i love this song, its the theme song for my Tomorrowland. 

Sayonara 
*__*

Old young girl

Edward Scissorhands

You see, before he came down here, it never snowed. And afterwards it did. And if he weren't up there now...i don't think it would be snowing.
Sometimes you can still catch me dancing in it.
- Edward Scissorhands
   
Perks of the new job are the benefactor of this simian line running through my side shave patch. We were given some cash to go review a swanky spa, get a free haircut and a pedicure. Could this be my dream job?
As you can see, the simian line...me gusta. And the pedicure? i was coerced into getting my nails painted in another Barbie colour, more peach this time. Seriously, these spa guys should stop ganging up like this. 

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't, change the way you think about it. 
- Mary Engelbreit

My tiny room doesn't seem so bad. And the other girls are also surprisingly nice. My lack of culinary skills has shocked them, so they have cordially invited me to learn something by watching them cook. i am the official potato peeler now, FTW!
Anyway, the Akemi blog has been given a makeover. Now, the background is the ice dance by Edward and Kim, from my favourite Burton flick, Edward Scissorhands, and many other changes may follow.
Just growing with my blog, which is already a year older... and hopefully wiser. i watched this movie, when i was twelve and since then, i have seen it a million times. Never bored.
As i grow older, i am getting more closer to my childhood memories. A few days ago, i went into a massive crying spree because memories of my dead dog came rushing back and knocked me into an emotional coma.
It is strange...is it a sign?





Sayonara
*__*

Method in madness

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet  

These are sad days indeed, very very sad days.

So, Hedi Slimane killed the Yvves out of YSL and I killed my dream to have something screaming out the initials YSL (no, my knock off track pants from Bangkok with a VSL sprawled across the booty does not count). Somehow, SL doesn’t quite cut it, you know. YSL, much better, see?

And Betsey Johnson is filing for bankruptcy. She was is my dream designer, it was my life aim to own something from Betsey’s collection and now, it is all ending, the era is coming to an end. Ugh! Nemesis, I hate you.

On the good side, all the items from Betsey’s collections are being sold…in a clearance sale! I managed to snag me a pair of her ‘rare’ (that’s what it says) panda bear rhinestone earrings.

Betsey I gotta piece of you. RESPECT.

Okay cutting out the cheese in my mood. I am in the Capital again, this time for good.
Finding a house here is more difficult than finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. It is possible to find the needle eventually, after you throw or eat the hay, but the house, hah!

A barbie pedicure. And yes, i have ugly feet.

If it is not the sky rocketing prices or the fact that I am a GIRL (and therefore, requiring more love, care and protection (ka ching!), it is the crazy landlords. Mom and I actually ran from a knife wielding crazy lady, screaming from her terrace. Her face, I shall never forget. Those crazy eyes, just out of a Poe short story *shudder* 

God has given you one face, you make yourself another

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Anyway, so now I am shacking up with some girls I know I can never be friends with, though basic courtesy and manners might be possible. Anyhow, I foresee days of being cooped in my tiny room and escaping boredom by inane self-administered beauty treatments, though not as inane as Tom Cruise's bird shit facial mainly because it is to hot too go scrape bird poop from my window sill.

Sayonara

*__*

Goodnight another bad morning

i swear our jet is crashing in my mind,
you can hold on,
but i wouldn't waste my time
- The Kills, Black Balloon


You know those days when everything goes wrong? Like, not necessarily a bad day but just a wrong one.

• i woke up at 6 am (which is a novelty since i work in the graveyard shift to bring out a newspaper so that YOU lucky people can sip your morning cuppa and READ before your morning absolution) to something thrown at my face. It was the silly sparrow couple trying to build a nest in my bedside window and thought it would be really cool to throw twigs at my face. Sigh! what about love thy neigbour and all that jazz, mr and mrs sparrow?

• Then i had to rush for some bank work (*GROAN*), broke my new glitter flatforms and had to limp to cross the road
   
• Agreed to play stylist for a girlfriend, who turned out to be very indecisive (and size XS) so we ended up finding nothing and you know how a bad shopping day can dampen your spirits, just that.
• M dislocated his jaw. He seems to be in pain, can't eat and so, is cranky. So, i step in to play mommy akemi to make sure he gets his medicines and physiotherapy sessions (not an easy task)
• Forgot my charger, so the cellphone conked off. Now, i am very daunted to climb alone all the way up to my Rapunzelesque tower cum house at 3am without talking on the phone (apparently zombies do not attack you when you are on the phone).

Presently, i am blogging to stay awake. Aaaaand.....it doesn't seem to be working. 

The jailers in my mind are all dead, 

i love you so much

Never 

Forget

- The Kills, Goodnight another bad morning

Sayonara

*____*

Throw a blanket over the sun

Robbing life of friendship, is like robbing the world of sun.
- Marcus Cicero


It is literally burning up here. The heat is so unbearable that i have no idea what to do and i end up doing all the wrong-things-to-do-in-EXTREME-summers. Then, Google came to my rescue with tips like no-caffeine, no sugar, no black clothes etc etc and i am back to square one, more confused than ever.


Apart, from a giant size zit right next to my left eyebrow, and a couple of others scattered here an there, the life is still the same. Want to slip into my tiniest shorts and biggest tee for the whole day. Sigh! but the sleepy city might just wake up to a riot at that sight. Work ethics a'la dress code? i think boho-chic is very vogue now...well maybe just for me.  
Talking about work, the job rejection do not hurt anymore, but somehow i am apprehensive about trying anywhere further. Escapism much? Yea, maybe. 


On top of that, my only two fem-bros (female+bro= fem-bro. Geddit? Geddit?) are leaving. One was my friend from school days and the other my colleague. Life without homegirls seems to be very dreary. 
But the heat.. oh THE HEAT...might just stir me into action and go back home. But before that, it did stir me enough to get a side shave done. It isn't as nasty as i would like to be...but then again, it serves well against THE HEAT. Oh and these are my latest crush, the decorative arm sunglasses, till the time i can afford the original Prada ones.

My love is like footsteps in the snow, baby

i read this really pretty book by Pico Iyer, The lady & the monk: Four seasons in Kyoto.
The book is all about the oriental beauty of Japan, the people, Zen Buddhism and...of course, the women. Nice read, though it is more of a narrative travel book rather than a novel.

And we travel, in essence, to become young fools again- to slow time down and get taken in, and fall in love once more.

So, after a colleague and fellow mountain lover supplied me with Ruskin Bond books to help me cure my homesickness, i am now moving on to Desmond Morris' The naked woman, to get a taste of 'zoological journalism' (or that's what he said). So far, seems good. It makes me feel better during the times when i question my decision to drastically chop off my hair. 

It is mentioned that Egyptian royal women used to shave off their hair due to the heat and wear elaborate wigs. Interesting, should i say hello to 'elaborate wigs'? 

Sayonara

*__*

Gathering gloom

Now everybody says it was best for you,
but deep inside your heart cannot decide if it's true

Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.

- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

For the past two weeks i have been poorer, more jobless and feeling shittier than a church rat. 

Caffeine, nicotine, the latest copy of Vogue and SATC reruns on the telly are a good companion when you have less than 95 cents to last you a week. And for the record, adoring my lace shirts that burnt a hole in (literally charred) my finances, surprisingly, soothes away the stomach rumblings.  

Anyway, i am in the NYC of India. And somehow, despite my happiness of finally having 'arrived', i have been sitting holed in my cosy hotel room or staring at
the sky from my Raounzelesque balcony at 3am while the world around me finds new loves, new sadness and new shoes. 

Let's face it. i am afraid. i am very very afraid to go out and then find a lorry of memories hitting me right in the face. Or worse what if my new memories aren't as good as the ones with M?

Ghosts of happy memories, sad breakups and many, many unfinished businesses are all waiting to bang right into me. Delhi is haunted for me. Yet, it is exactly this reason why i choose to be here and sometimes wait for that bittersweet nostalgia to sneak up to me, surprise me, reduce me to tears.

Trying to pick up the pace

Trying to make it so that i never see your face again

Trying to throw this away 

Want to make sure you never waste my time again

- Norah Jones 'Happy Pills'

The wall pattern in my hotel

Time flies by really fast and now it’s time for me to leave for the sleepy town, which i had dreaded for almost 10 months and will continue for some more time till i am back in the Capital again...to dodge the lorries of memories waiting to run me over.

Maybe everything happens for the best...

"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
— Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar) 

Maybe i have too much time to think about myself…the world outside is difficult enough.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 

Stuck in reverse...
- Coldplay 'Fix you'

The balcony door to my Rapunzel-like tower

Today is my last day in the Capital and i cannot wait to go back to my apartment in the sleepy city, though i am pretty sure once i am there i would want to be somewhere else.
Anyway, i was asked to check out of my company hotel abruptly without any prior warning. And it did not help that they lodged me in another one, the two-hour-long wait was very introspective. i felt like such a minion, like a tiny lost guppy fish in a sea of fancy electric eels and deadly sharks. Maybe its not that big a deal, but yea...the feeling is something i can do without.

Update- i was told i am not good enough for the job in the Capital by the Big shark, turns out the other big sharks are not too keen on me either. i guess, i am naive...

Feeling worse because of those words which are said to cheer you up for obviously being 'not-good-enough.' Well, the gloom keeps piling on.
Maybe i am just a tightly screwed bottle of gloom. Wish you would be nicer to me, Life.

Little bit of feel good

Mommy and i went thrift shopping, it was fun and i snagged awesome vintage deals.

But i still feel...

i feel fat, ugly and a loser.




Sayonara

It has been raining heat here. Literally.

i feel like a polar bear walking in the Sahara, on top of that there is this silly strike going on by the food traders. And as would have been expected of me, i had absolutely zilch eatables at home and all, i mean ALL, the restaurants, kiosks, everything were shut.
i used to think i was borderline anorexic or bulimic. 
Realisation: i am healthy fat girl, though clueless about cuisines, can eat food without throwing up. And, i LOVE cheese!

The strike is very reminiscent of the strikes in Nepal that my cousins talk about. Anyway, i decided that since i couldn't eat, i might as well shop and i ended up ordering a Sailor Moon skirt, a Sailor-like tee and a multi-coloured satchel. 
To top it off, i had recurrent nightmares of someone eating something really sinful very slowly like a pasta dripping with cheese or pork sausages dripping in their own lard with a bowl of sliced strawberries and cream, while i am trapped in a glass cage clawing like a rabid dog.

Ah! those three days were sheer agony. And i celebrated their end by deflowering my virgin kitchen. i bought a cutesy tiny cooking pan, 3 gothic-looking ladles (totally unnecessary, knowing i will probably cook and eat with the same spoon) and a giant pack of chicken cocktail sausages, some pre-cooked pasta and lots of butter.
i cooked and ate. i cooked and ate. Without stopping. Even for a minute.