Put me in a movie

"What's the point of taking your life if you do not realise your potential."
- Sensei

i met my mentor aka Sensei (as he will be referred to here) and this is what he said...among other things which don't really matter much. It makes sense you know, going before making a mark will just be a tragedy not a loss. As i write this someone is talking about 'winter depression'...i love winters, i am not depressed then, just introspective. 
  A random thought in my mind: There are so many jobs that everyone would have made fun of before but now....maybe i am born way ahead of my time. 

Christmas promises to be another obligation to fake happiness. Oh and some more development in the unnecessarily dramatic life of a shit magnet. Ran into a Ex-BEST FRIEND aka one of my real life Jenny (Duh! Don't you guys watch Gossip Girl). 'Jenny' ran so fast when she spotted me (she left skid marks) while i was just figuring out if it's her or not, cuz you see i am blind as a bat and too cool to wear glasses. Fancy that, cuz as i far as i remember it was 'Jenny' and her posse who bullied and outcasted me (spiteful comments and rumours included). Not that that i am very eager to get my back stabbed and gouged again or maybe she thought i would attack her or something. Sorry to deny you some violent action but Karma is what i believe in cuz the revenge gene is sorely lacking in my DNA.

i need the blessing of some holy. 

i think it is time to honour the dead. i miss you so much every single second... So i plan to get a tattoo to have you with me forever you know cuz i may lose my mind and my memories someday. It will happen soon (if you have internet in heaven, i hope you read this or maybe ask God to tell you cuz i just realised you can't read.)

Well, i didn't know it would come to this
But that's what happens when you are on your own
And you're alright letting nice things go
- Lana Del Rey, Pawn Shop Blues

Sayonara

*__*

Say hi to no answers

A crossed out line in her suicide note read:
He is much better off without me... I wouldn't make a good wife for anybody 

Have you heard of the 'beautiful suicide'? Well the above picture was named so in the Life magazine in 1947...it is a photo of Evelyn Mchale who jumped to die from the Empire State building, landed on a limousine and was clicked by Robert Wiles. She was still clutching her pearl necklace in her gloved hand.
It is supposed to be gruesome and morbid...but maybe its not. Maybe dying is violent...but death is peace? There is a difference between the two. Go figure... 
Evelyn was described by her fiance as being happy and he had seen her off cheerfully before she made her way to the building. So what snapped....?

The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

i am scribbling furiously on my blog cuz i am getting this overwhelming urge to cry and AKEMI MUSTN'T CRY...atleast not right now...
i am not sure if i cannot handle the work pressure or is it the PMS or maybe just because everything is fucked up. Not just me...but everyone around me too and i just can't do anything to take away their pain. 
But is the helplessness enough to just take the plunge? 

For the longest time the picture above was just a part of my fashion scrapbook: the starry dress, fishnets and my insatiable love for bangs. Then a year back, i found out the model was Daul Kim, who killed herself when she was twenty. Some websites say that she didn't commit suicide and her highly influential (and abusive) boyfriend is to blame. But, three years after her death, i still think about her...trying to figure her out in my head. She is such a mystery to me...and if i had a chance to know her...we would surely have been friends.
Daul kept a blog (iliketoforkmyself), felt 'naked' without her bangs, missed home and yea, felt like a 'stripper' sometimes. Her last post was— Say hi to forever. You can check out her blog here. 

"When the witch wanted to come in, she stood down below and called out: Rapunzel Rapunzel, let down your hair for me. When she heard the witch's voice, she undid her braids and fastened them to the window latch. They fell to the ground twenty ells down, and the witch climbed up on them.
- Brother Grimm, 'Rapunzel'

Source: here

After reading about Daul, i came across model Ruslana Korshunova's suicide or murder. Known as the 'Russian Rapunzel,' she jumped to death (or rather leapt as many have pointed out that it would have been impossible to just jump from her balcony) from her NYC apartment. One of her blog entry reads: If i am for others, then who is for me? And if I am for myself, then what am I for?

The language of love letters is the same as suicide notes

- Courtney Love

You can argue back and forth that these women had what is "supposed" to make us happy— Evelyn Mchale was to marry her fiance (happy, by default), Daul Kim seemed poised to become South Korea's answer to a supermodel and had walked the ramp for designers Alexander McQueen (who also committed suicide the same year) and Ruslana Korshunova was touted as 'the face to be excited about' by the British Vogue and was walking ramps for Kenzo, Jill Stuart and others, then why?

The more people expect me to be happy the sadder i get.

RIP

May you find the peace wherever you are, finally.

Sayonara

*__*

The past and the chase

He holds me in his big arms 
Drunk and i am seeing stars 
This is all i think of
- Lana Del Ray, Video games

i have been AWOL from all the things i knew...and getting closer to the roots. i don't know if it is helping...but i am alright. Here at home, sitting on the ancient Compaq 7540, typing on the keyboard that makes every click sound like an atom bomb going off in the dark, its easier to slip into a peaceful coma, when life and its beauty make sense. 
The air has a wintry nip and i love it. Returning home after almost two years, the dogs seem fine and the grandparents too, though everyone seems to be dusted with white powder on their hair and a stray wrinkles here or there. Seems i fell into an age defying blackhole and when i emerged, everyone else seems to have aged. Or maybe even i have, i just don't see it yet.

Doomed from the start, we met with a goodbye kiss
- Lana Del Rey, Goodbye Kiss

i adore this song by Lana, it sings true of M and me. i know i was supposed to get over him, and i think i have, but the old photographs on this computer are kinda making it hard. i think its more difficult realising what a different person  i was before...and worse, do i want to become that person again? Getting M back is no guarantee that things would go back to being the same. There are already too many irreversible happenings that i just cannot deal with- Mopsy is dead, my favourite plum tree is dead and the mountains seem to be dying too. So where or what do i go back to?
And, even M cannot, will not and shall not help me cope with these seemingly little things that hurt me a great deal. Things seem hopeless for a miracle, which is not possible cuz i have lost my faith.  


Turning slowly, looking back,
See no words can save this...
You're broken and i'm pissed
Run along like i'm supposed to, 
Be the man i ought to

Everyone seems to be setting a mold for me, which i must pour myself into...as for now, i shall comply.

Sayonara

Respect to gray hair

From 9 am to 11.45pm (Total= 16hours). From 6th October to 10th October (Total= 4 days). 

16x4= 64 hours.

No, its not some lame maths lesson. i am just trying to express the MAGNANIMITY of the situation when i am working as a fashion reporter for a kinda bigass newspaper. Wills Lifestyle Fashion Week S/S 2013 is where i live nowadays, going back home just to sleep. Oh...and the calculation above is the estimate of the hours i will be wearing heels.

i know it seems like i am exaggerating, but trust me, i am so not.

Going without my stilletos is not an option either. i tried that and suddenly felt like a pygmy, had to stand on my toes to talk to people. 

Anyhoo, fashion week is not what i imagined it to be. Yea sure, there is so much eccentricity and creativity in the air that i am sure i will sprout a rainbow coloured tail or beard by the end of the week. Oh and i get to sit in the front row because i reprezzent the hot-shot newspaper. 

But then, there are also"friends" who talk to you only to eat the dainty crust-less sandwiches or the yummy fish fingers on your plate or "healthy" (very) women who cannot fit into their seats and spill on others sitting next to them. And i thought fashion week makes the best of them pull up their socks.

There are four basic human need: food, sleep, sex and revenge.

- Banksy  

Btw, its my birthday today. It sucks.
And i don't have a cake. And wishes i can count on my fingers.
Feck the plans to celebrate till i am 80 years old, hell, i have lost the drive at 23.

Anyhoo, happy birthday to me. When i get back home, i shall celebrate with hot chocolate with my only guest, Tabby, my brown teddy bear.

Sayonara

-.-

Where is my October?

Everyone says the dull ache in my heart will go away if i go out and meet more people but this tendency of mine to disappear behind my silence and fake a toothy grin that makes my eyes crinkle or give a frosty-the-snow-bitch vibe, never goes away. 

Where do i start
the past, and the chase
You hunted me down
Like a wolf, a predator
i felt like a deer in love lights
- She Wolf, Calvin Harris feat Kelis

i spent the weekend reading my old diaries...though my current one, Lu Ling, is probably my most neglected diary ever. i feel bad for Lu Ling...i mean i have never been so tired ever in my life and yet, i want to write to her all the time, but i think she will see me as i see myself...a loser stuck in the past. Then again, Lu Ling is just a name for sheets of paper bound with glue. But then, maybe not. She is more human to me. 
Anyway, reading my old diaries was a bad idea, and i don't really recommend that to anyone. i swung between so many emotions. From arriving to office with puffy lip (after biting it so i won't cry in the metro, which again is not a great place to read your old diary no matter how curious you are) to staring at people hoping to run into a long-forgotten friend, there is only one thing that stayed with me after i was done reading them...
RAGE.
i felt bad for myself when i was a little girl, i felt like taking that little girl who copiously wrote these words by the hand and telling her Please don't dream, darling,
i never really raged much, kinda easy-going. i used to like people and even if i din't, i always got along.
But i don't really recognise this angry other woman who has become me. i am so angry to realise that i hadn't seem myself hopping and skipping towards this road to melancholy, i am angry with the years of getting pushed over just because i was a nice girl and i hate hated fights.
Anyhoo, though i am a fat, angry young woman now...i feel like that that other woman is not me and i get deeply hurt when i am all alone. Also i came across this verse from the Bible...i really loved it.

At my first defense, no one came to my support, but everyone deserted me. May it not be held against them.
2 Timothy 4:16

Still wishing nothing bad for the deserters and back stabbers, maybe i am not so bad like the other woman wants me to be... 
Its my anniversary tomorrow...not mine...but ours. As in, mine and M''s. i don't think he even remembers it, just like last year.
But i do, just like last year and the year before. This month, October, is was special to me. Our anniversary, my birthday, M's birthday and...a name for my future child, that's how much I love loved October. 

When love is at its best, one loves so much that he cannot forget.
- Helen Hunt Jackson

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet
and the winds long to play with your hair -Khalil Gibran

i don't know what i will do, have no plans either...i miss loving you, October.

Sayonara
*__*

Don't wake me up

Sometimes life is completely the opposite of what you expect or want it to be. The universe has a funny way of throwing you off-guard, when least expected. Go ahead make plans, paint the prettiest, rosiest future and chances are it will most likely be grey. 

i had made plans too, but then life happened. M went away as swiftly as he had come. And now, alone inside my head, i wonder if everyone is wearing disguises or masks to hide their true intentions or true feelings, pretending to forgive and forget but in reality they are just waiting for you to stumble so they can push you over the edge.
i always thought that M and i would stay together, in sickness or in health. i don't remember if he ever said it or maybe i imagined it. It is was that sort of thing that you assume will eventually happen. But sometimes, it doesn't.  

Maybe us being together is like the dead violet plant on my window sill. i keep it there cuz it belonged to my great grandmother and even if it will never bloom, it reminds me of home and that comforts me. 

i watch this video on a loop...for hours. It sends chills down my spine. It is from the SATC movie, when Big gets cold feet and leaves Carrie just before their wedding... and he says something that M used to say— i don't know. i cry every time i watch this. 


Bliss 
Dear smoky room 
Stardust in the eyes
Anything will rise
- Bliss, Vanessa Paradis

i have let go let M go. It was difficult but i did it...and i want to will stick with it. i finally realised that looking into his eyes and not finding my self there...was not okay. When i set him free...i died a little inside...but maybe, he will live now. 
i have no hopes anymore...i have truly set him free...i am not waiting for everything to become fine, cuz it never would have. There are two people in a relationship...and they go through everything that is bound to tear them apart but they come out through it all...stronger.            

Dearly beloved, if this love exists only in my dreams.
Don't wake me up...

Look into my eyes and you will see me,
Look into my heart and you will find you..
M used to say this to me...i wonder if they actually meant anything or are they just hollow words picked up from a Google search?
Maybe people just fall in and out of love, then why call it 'love' when it is so fickle. 'Love' should be something stronger, never ending kinda feeling— and not 'You destroyed my ego, so i will walk all over you and leave you helpless' kinda vengeance.

Then again...what do i know? i am just a stupid girl.

Sayonara

*___*

Tonight, we are young

i love sports. i love animals. i love kids. i want to save the world. So, how do i combine all those things? i don't know.
- Joan Jett

M is back and my world is brighter than sunshine, on the inside. Though, on the outside it may seem different. 
i am so happy that i even offered to do a story on a party hosted by people who seem to believe that the Mayan prophesy about 21 December, 2012 is not about the world coming to end BUT about transition to a better world.
i may end up going for one of their 'sweet spot parties.' You can RSVP too here.

Anyhoo, i had an amazing weekend cuz M came over and then it was just perfect...in the sense 'perfect' for an OCD patient like me. He just kept sleeping through the weekend, talk, eat and then go back to sleep again. All this gave me enough time to do my 'weekend chores' like shopping for more frozen food and washing. The added bonus was his cute sleepy look, "Hah!!! You went out without me..WHEN?" when i told him that i just returned from the super market.
 i also reunited with my high-school bestie, who now is the lead vocalist of a hot-shot band and has cut some albums too. She took me to my first mosh-pit in a tiny drinking place, albeit a tiny one compared to the REAL METAL HEAD mosh pits. But nevertheless, i was whining about sweaty, long haired, black band tee wearing guys stomping on my heels and the musty air in the room. Then we tipsily drove back halfway across the city, playing and screaming  singing Wiz Khalifa's Black and Yellow on loop. It was fun!

What is life without a walk of shame, now & then.

Cut to Day-2 and i was on my way to a home cooked dinner with another friend who just got married. i ended up staying over at her place and over eating too. The next day, i had to do the legendary walk of shame early morning (we are talking as early as 5am) and wearing my bright yellow maxi skirt didn't seem to be that great an idea. But the worse was travelling in the metro with all eyes on me.
But i just stare right back, it is a good mood phase of mine, i guess. One of my friend once told me that my 'good mood-swings' make her feel scared and then she made the most epic comment ever (that i will surely use in my future fashion film or novel) — "It seems like you are high on your own blood."

My new 2 simian line

Sayonara

*__*

Where did Jesus go?

All the quotes in this post are from Memoirs Of A Teenage Amnesiac by Gabrielle Zevin.

"What were you like," i asked her, "Were you happy? or were you smiling because they told you to?"

Nothing seems to be like before...and i cannot recall who i was before everything crashed down. Was i happy? or, am i happy now?
i don't know what to do, feel or think anymore. 
It is something...i cannot find an answer to and i get the feeling that if i could pinpoint the cause behind this madness inside my head, i might be able to make sense of everything. But i can't remember...what was it? Was there anything at all, in the first place?

It's like when you take a trip with some one you don't know very well. Sometimes, you can get close very quickly, but then after the trip is over, you realize all that was a false sort of closeness. An intimacy based on the trip more than the travellers. 

i meet people everyday, but no one makes an impact. Its like i am vapour and they pass right through me. Some of them genuinely try (or maybe they just seem to) to be my friend...but i don't think i need anyone anymore. i just want to be alone...i don't want to hear about how i am capable of so much more. What's the point of telling me that when i don't even believe it myself?
Last night, i pulled out all the emotional plugs and let it all out, i know it seems crazy and i am NOT suicidal but i went to the roof and walked on the edge with the clammy wind hitting my face, mascara stains on my face. God! what a rush. Every time i felt i was going to slip and fall, my heart leapt. You know, like i was suddenly alive. 

In my opinion wounds are like water set to boil — They heal best when left unwatched.

Mum called me up from another city, and when i heard her voice...i broke down. i told her how everything was going wrong, i told her about the 'friends' who i wished i'd never met, i told her that i feel so unwanted and i told her i wished i could just turn back time,  become that weird kid again, who roamed with her black dog in the chilly mountain rain. She told me to have faith in GOD. Its not that easy...i have lost faith in humanity, and God is...i don't know.

Dear God, i don't know if you read my blog or if  you have internet in heaven. But everyone says, you watch over me every second and i used to feel your presence and i used to talk to you too...but i can't feel you anymore. 
Are you still there with me? Do you still care about me, God? Are you mad at me too?
Please tell me what to do...i think i am running out of the will to live anymore. But i will hold on till you come back.
Now when i talk to you...i feel silly cuz i think you have more important things to worry about but sometimes i get very messed up and no one can comfort me. 
So, if you have time please come watch over me, i think i really need you.
Love you, God. i hope you love me too. Amen.


Sayonara

When i said 'I Do', i didn't mean the dishes

Cooking is like love. It should be entered with abandon or not at all.
- Harriet Von Horne


No time for outfit posts. Hell, i will be lucky if i could put together an outfit to wear to work. Its days like these that make you want to just do-your-thang in clothes you hope nobody would recognise you in. Fashion is far away from my mind. 
Early morning shift for the past week and i am  working this weekend. i am so getting some designer bags under my eyes soon *sob*sob*
During breaks, all i can do is drool over fantastical couture food and then when i am back home, i order some pork dimsums for dinner and then go to sleep. So boring, nein? 
Check out my fantasy couture food dreams

Louis Vuitton cupcakes (Source: here)

                   

Gucci French fries (Source: here)

Paul Smith ice-cream twirl and Burberry bagel (Source: here)

Ditta in her kitchen (Source: here)

Anyway last night after i found a hair in my dimsum (YUCK!), i decided to learn to feed myself. For good. Also, because i have been skipping my medication to be taken strictly after  meals, since they are so erratic and sometimes consist of just a beer and chips. 

So i donned my cat printed apron and the mission was to cook salted fried rice, with stir fried mushrooms and a slice of ham (they all taste yummy together. FTW). The only glitch was that this realisation dawned on me at 1am and only because i was inspired after  watching Nigella Lawson cook awesome stuff while looking awesomely buxom and speaking in that awesome Brit accent. It is amazing how she does it, you know, cook and look so good at the same time. And then there is my idol, Ditta Von Teese, so immaculately pretty all the time. Even while cooking (Her pink themed kitchen is so 'Totes amaze', you know what i mean).

*Sigh*  If i had such a pretty kitchen, imagine the 'couture goodies' i would happily make. And nothing smells better than the smell of a freshly baked cake, though Karl Lagerfeld would have you believe otherwise with his perfume that smells like books, not that that is a bad smell. Anyhoo, the mission was a semi-success because i added too much water to the rice and burnt the mushrooms. But feck it, it was yummy, anyway.

The cook that won't be kissed anytime soon.

Sayonara
*__*

Who will i be when i am with you again?

If you don't eat yourself
No doubt the pain will
If you don't eat yourself
You will explode instead...
- Eat yourself, Goldfrapp

Is there a time when you magically grow up?
Like when you don't feel the need to cry anymore...words, insults and betrayals just bounce off you and you just stand expressionless.
If there is, where is my titanium age?


Does it happen, like, you have controlled the throbbing pain in your chest or you wake up one day when living doesn't seem so bad... but then, you look up. Raindrops on the window or a dog licking your hand or a friendly smile, and you crumble. The verge of bursting into tears at the most inopportune moment, place and time does not cease. The worst part? The reason is always the same. There does not seem to be a way out of this misery.


i am sick of being sick and i am sick of this vicious circle of abuse, secrecy and... hugs. If this planet is God's sepulchre, i don't see how this misery is his will.
How can this be your will, the man in the clouds? 


Like a hurricane, you struck my life, destroyed my relationships, my self esteem, my confidence and i constantly felt anxious, depressed and sometimes abnormally insane, a psycho. 
This city is beautiful...


The night is the hardest time to be alive and 4am knows all my secrets.
- Poppy Z Brite


Yet, the noise is so overwhelming that i seem to have forgotten what silence, other than mine, meant. i wait for the legendary 4am, for some torture and reflection, but cats fighting or an accident nearby or a couple falling out of love, the noise never ceases. 
So, i plug in my ear phones, and make my own Tomorrowland, where M exists in my life, where there is no endless wait for a phone call that might end my life, no nightmares and no memories of losing something... there is just nothing. And i think i am happy, then. 


Andy Warhol: I wonder if people are going to remember us? 
Edie Sedgwick: What, when we're dead? 
Andy Warhol: Yeah. 
Edie Sedgwick: Well I think people will talk about how you changed the world. 
Andy Warhol: I wonder what they'll say about you... in your obituary. I like that word. 
Edie Sedgwick: Nothing nice, I don't think. 
Andy Warhol: No no, come on. They'd say, "Edith Minturn Sedgwick: beautiful artist and actress... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and all around loon. 
Andy Warhol: ...Remembered for setting the world on fire... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family... 
Andy Warhol: ...Made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody... 
Edie Sedgwick: ...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. 
- Excerpt from Factory Girl (2006)


i love this song, its the theme song for my Tomorrowland. 

Sayonara 
*__*

Old young girl

Edward Scissorhands

You see, before he came down here, it never snowed. And afterwards it did. And if he weren't up there now...i don't think it would be snowing.
Sometimes you can still catch me dancing in it.
- Edward Scissorhands
   
Perks of the new job are the benefactor of this simian line running through my side shave patch. We were given some cash to go review a swanky spa, get a free haircut and a pedicure. Could this be my dream job?
As you can see, the simian line...me gusta. And the pedicure? i was coerced into getting my nails painted in another Barbie colour, more peach this time. Seriously, these spa guys should stop ganging up like this. 

If you don't like something, change it. If you can't, change the way you think about it. 
- Mary Engelbreit

My tiny room doesn't seem so bad. And the other girls are also surprisingly nice. My lack of culinary skills has shocked them, so they have cordially invited me to learn something by watching them cook. i am the official potato peeler now, FTW!
Anyway, the Akemi blog has been given a makeover. Now, the background is the ice dance by Edward and Kim, from my favourite Burton flick, Edward Scissorhands, and many other changes may follow.
Just growing with my blog, which is already a year older... and hopefully wiser. i watched this movie, when i was twelve and since then, i have seen it a million times. Never bored.
As i grow older, i am getting more closer to my childhood memories. A few days ago, i went into a massive crying spree because memories of my dead dog came rushing back and knocked me into an emotional coma.
It is strange...is it a sign?





Sayonara
*__*

Method in madness

Though this be madness, yet there is method in it.

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet  

These are sad days indeed, very very sad days.

So, Hedi Slimane killed the Yvves out of YSL and I killed my dream to have something screaming out the initials YSL (no, my knock off track pants from Bangkok with a VSL sprawled across the booty does not count). Somehow, SL doesn’t quite cut it, you know. YSL, much better, see?

And Betsey Johnson is filing for bankruptcy. She was is my dream designer, it was my life aim to own something from Betsey’s collection and now, it is all ending, the era is coming to an end. Ugh! Nemesis, I hate you.

On the good side, all the items from Betsey’s collections are being sold…in a clearance sale! I managed to snag me a pair of her ‘rare’ (that’s what it says) panda bear rhinestone earrings.

Betsey I gotta piece of you. RESPECT.

Okay cutting out the cheese in my mood. I am in the Capital again, this time for good.
Finding a house here is more difficult than finding the proverbial needle in the haystack. It is possible to find the needle eventually, after you throw or eat the hay, but the house, hah!

A barbie pedicure. And yes, i have ugly feet.

If it is not the sky rocketing prices or the fact that I am a GIRL (and therefore, requiring more love, care and protection (ka ching!), it is the crazy landlords. Mom and I actually ran from a knife wielding crazy lady, screaming from her terrace. Her face, I shall never forget. Those crazy eyes, just out of a Poe short story *shudder* 

God has given you one face, you make yourself another

- William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Anyway, so now I am shacking up with some girls I know I can never be friends with, though basic courtesy and manners might be possible. Anyhow, I foresee days of being cooped in my tiny room and escaping boredom by inane self-administered beauty treatments, though not as inane as Tom Cruise's bird shit facial mainly because it is to hot too go scrape bird poop from my window sill.

Sayonara

*__*

Goodnight another bad morning

i swear our jet is crashing in my mind,
you can hold on,
but i wouldn't waste my time
- The Kills, Black Balloon


You know those days when everything goes wrong? Like, not necessarily a bad day but just a wrong one.

• i woke up at 6 am (which is a novelty since i work in the graveyard shift to bring out a newspaper so that YOU lucky people can sip your morning cuppa and READ before your morning absolution) to something thrown at my face. It was the silly sparrow couple trying to build a nest in my bedside window and thought it would be really cool to throw twigs at my face. Sigh! what about love thy neigbour and all that jazz, mr and mrs sparrow?

• Then i had to rush for some bank work (*GROAN*), broke my new glitter flatforms and had to limp to cross the road
   
• Agreed to play stylist for a girlfriend, who turned out to be very indecisive (and size XS) so we ended up finding nothing and you know how a bad shopping day can dampen your spirits, just that.
• M dislocated his jaw. He seems to be in pain, can't eat and so, is cranky. So, i step in to play mommy akemi to make sure he gets his medicines and physiotherapy sessions (not an easy task)
• Forgot my charger, so the cellphone conked off. Now, i am very daunted to climb alone all the way up to my Rapunzelesque tower cum house at 3am without talking on the phone (apparently zombies do not attack you when you are on the phone).

Presently, i am blogging to stay awake. Aaaaand.....it doesn't seem to be working. 

The jailers in my mind are all dead, 

i love you so much

Never 

Forget

- The Kills, Goodnight another bad morning

Sayonara

*____*

Throw a blanket over the sun

Robbing life of friendship, is like robbing the world of sun.
- Marcus Cicero


It is literally burning up here. The heat is so unbearable that i have no idea what to do and i end up doing all the wrong-things-to-do-in-EXTREME-summers. Then, Google came to my rescue with tips like no-caffeine, no sugar, no black clothes etc etc and i am back to square one, more confused than ever.


Apart, from a giant size zit right next to my left eyebrow, and a couple of others scattered here an there, the life is still the same. Want to slip into my tiniest shorts and biggest tee for the whole day. Sigh! but the sleepy city might just wake up to a riot at that sight. Work ethics a'la dress code? i think boho-chic is very vogue now...well maybe just for me.  
Talking about work, the job rejection do not hurt anymore, but somehow i am apprehensive about trying anywhere further. Escapism much? Yea, maybe. 


On top of that, my only two fem-bros (female+bro= fem-bro. Geddit? Geddit?) are leaving. One was my friend from school days and the other my colleague. Life without homegirls seems to be very dreary. 
But the heat.. oh THE HEAT...might just stir me into action and go back home. But before that, it did stir me enough to get a side shave done. It isn't as nasty as i would like to be...but then again, it serves well against THE HEAT. Oh and these are my latest crush, the decorative arm sunglasses, till the time i can afford the original Prada ones.

My love is like footsteps in the snow, baby

i read this really pretty book by Pico Iyer, The lady & the monk: Four seasons in Kyoto.
The book is all about the oriental beauty of Japan, the people, Zen Buddhism and...of course, the women. Nice read, though it is more of a narrative travel book rather than a novel.

And we travel, in essence, to become young fools again- to slow time down and get taken in, and fall in love once more.

So, after a colleague and fellow mountain lover supplied me with Ruskin Bond books to help me cure my homesickness, i am now moving on to Desmond Morris' The naked woman, to get a taste of 'zoological journalism' (or that's what he said). So far, seems good. It makes me feel better during the times when i question my decision to drastically chop off my hair. 

It is mentioned that Egyptian royal women used to shave off their hair due to the heat and wear elaborate wigs. Interesting, should i say hello to 'elaborate wigs'? 

Sayonara

*__*

Gathering gloom

Now everybody says it was best for you,
but deep inside your heart cannot decide if it's true

Sometimes we need to stop analysing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.

- Carrie Bradshaw, SATC

For the past two weeks i have been poorer, more jobless and feeling shittier than a church rat. 

Caffeine, nicotine, the latest copy of Vogue and SATC reruns on the telly are a good companion when you have less than 95 cents to last you a week. And for the record, adoring my lace shirts that burnt a hole in (literally charred) my finances, surprisingly, soothes away the stomach rumblings.  

Anyway, i am in the NYC of India. And somehow, despite my happiness of finally having 'arrived', i have been sitting holed in my cosy hotel room or staring at
the sky from my Raounzelesque balcony at 3am while the world around me finds new loves, new sadness and new shoes. 

Let's face it. i am afraid. i am very very afraid to go out and then find a lorry of memories hitting me right in the face. Or worse what if my new memories aren't as good as the ones with M?

Ghosts of happy memories, sad breakups and many, many unfinished businesses are all waiting to bang right into me. Delhi is haunted for me. Yet, it is exactly this reason why i choose to be here and sometimes wait for that bittersweet nostalgia to sneak up to me, surprise me, reduce me to tears.

Trying to pick up the pace

Trying to make it so that i never see your face again

Trying to throw this away 

Want to make sure you never waste my time again

- Norah Jones 'Happy Pills'

The wall pattern in my hotel

Time flies by really fast and now it’s time for me to leave for the sleepy town, which i had dreaded for almost 10 months and will continue for some more time till i am back in the Capital again...to dodge the lorries of memories waiting to run me over.

Maybe everything happens for the best...

"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no to-morrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace."
— Sylvia Plath (The Bell Jar) 

Maybe i have too much time to think about myself…the world outside is difficult enough.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 

Stuck in reverse...
- Coldplay 'Fix you'

The balcony door to my Rapunzel-like tower

Today is my last day in the Capital and i cannot wait to go back to my apartment in the sleepy city, though i am pretty sure once i am there i would want to be somewhere else.
Anyway, i was asked to check out of my company hotel abruptly without any prior warning. And it did not help that they lodged me in another one, the two-hour-long wait was very introspective. i felt like such a minion, like a tiny lost guppy fish in a sea of fancy electric eels and deadly sharks. Maybe its not that big a deal, but yea...the feeling is something i can do without.

Update- i was told i am not good enough for the job in the Capital by the Big shark, turns out the other big sharks are not too keen on me either. i guess, i am naive...

Feeling worse because of those words which are said to cheer you up for obviously being 'not-good-enough.' Well, the gloom keeps piling on.
Maybe i am just a tightly screwed bottle of gloom. Wish you would be nicer to me, Life.

Little bit of feel good

Mommy and i went thrift shopping, it was fun and i snagged awesome vintage deals.

But i still feel...

i feel fat, ugly and a loser.




Sayonara

It has been raining heat here. Literally.

i feel like a polar bear walking in the Sahara, on top of that there is this silly strike going on by the food traders. And as would have been expected of me, i had absolutely zilch eatables at home and all, i mean ALL, the restaurants, kiosks, everything were shut.
i used to think i was borderline anorexic or bulimic. 
Realisation: i am healthy fat girl, though clueless about cuisines, can eat food without throwing up. And, i LOVE cheese!

The strike is very reminiscent of the strikes in Nepal that my cousins talk about. Anyway, i decided that since i couldn't eat, i might as well shop and i ended up ordering a Sailor Moon skirt, a Sailor-like tee and a multi-coloured satchel. 
To top it off, i had recurrent nightmares of someone eating something really sinful very slowly like a pasta dripping with cheese or pork sausages dripping in their own lard with a bowl of sliced strawberries and cream, while i am trapped in a glass cage clawing like a rabid dog.

Ah! those three days were sheer agony. And i celebrated their end by deflowering my virgin kitchen. i bought a cutesy tiny cooking pan, 3 gothic-looking ladles (totally unnecessary, knowing i will probably cook and eat with the same spoon) and a giant pack of chicken cocktail sausages, some pre-cooked pasta and lots of butter.
i cooked and ate. i cooked and ate. Without stopping. Even for a minute.

Turn back time: Tribute to Aqua

Sometimes the feeling is right 
You fall in love for the first time
Heartbeat, and kisses so sweet
Summertime love in the moonlight
-Aqua


Did you ever listen to Aqua when your were young? i recently heard 'Dr Jones' and 'Turn Back Time' in a shady coffee shop and was transported into the era of recorded cassettes. *Sigh* the nostalgia. Where are those feelings anymore?
i maxed out my credit card again, have a million deadlines and some sort of flu too. But, when i came back home and listened to Aqua, i just felt like putting on mom's lipstick and playing dress up again. No worries in the world!
i had no clue how naughty their lyrics were. And i guess, now i truly get their songs. Though my  music preferences have drastically changed, but a childhood without Aqua...i cannot even imagine.


Prince, oh prince, are you really sincere?
That you, one day, are gonna disappear?


i ended going to McDonald's to continue feeling the bittersweet nostalgia. Though, i did not order my childhood favourite- the Happy Meal bag. That would be taking things too far, i guess!

'Happy Meal bag' and a creepy red-haired man = Happy memories 

Aqua reunited and took out a new album too. i really like 'Playmate To Jesus', literally had an 'awwww' feeling looking at them. They seem to have grown up with me *__* 

Sayonara
*__*

Love is so short, forgetting so long

i think many people may have known this from before. But i certainly didn't.
Isn't it that when you lose the most precious thing in your life, everything else doesn't hold that much value anymore?
Well i had this thought, when i was swaying in the chilly wind, standing on the roof of my house. M  has gone and has taken my dreams with him. There is a vacuum, which i am stuffing with everything but it never goes away.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul
-Pablo Neruda

My feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but, i will go on living.

So then comes the second stage of reckless endangerment. i have scheduled a super-fast bike ride for myself at night, have been suffocating my lungs, over-working my liver and muddying my self respect.
Is it strange that when i attempt to cross that thin line between life and death, then i see the thing that is most
precious to me? Cuz i do.
Ah! but i don't really feel anything. That is what reckless endangerment is all about. If you come out alive from this seemingly long phase, then maybe there is life beyond that.
What i really want to know is that...when nothing is the same as before, am i also changing?

It was my destiny to love and say goodbye

Sayonara
*__*